We recently welcomed into the world our second daughter, Evalyn Rae. I was induced at 39 weeks 2 days pregnant due to Evalyn's low weight gain. Thankfully she is a completely healthy, though very tiny baby. Our first daughter was quite the chunker when she was born and took to breast feeding right away. Loreli never had problems latching and ate like a pig! Unfortunately this has not been the case for our little Evalyn.
While at the hospital Evalyn began eating less and less. By the time we were discharged 48 hours after her birth she had lost 9 ounces in her weight and stopped latching on when I attempted to nurse her. The hospital gave us a special little cup to try to feed Evalyn when she wouldn't nurse so that she wouldn't get nipple confusion and would still get the food she needed. We found that the longer we were home, the more she refused to latch on to the breast and expected the cup when hungry.
When making my WIC appointment I mentioned the problem I was having getting Evalyn to latch on and was given contact information to a lactation specialist. I called the specialist right away and she gave me some great advice on trying to get Evalyn to eat more and latch on. I was definitely happy that there was still hope that I would be able to breastfeed my Lil Nugget.
The first night home was a little rocky with both girls waking each other up with their crying but the second night seemed like something out of a horror film. My mom spent the night and stayed in Loreli's room with her but Evalyn was up screaming from midnight until 5 am. With already having a great lack of sleep my husband and I both nearly lost it. To top it off I have not been taking any pain medication after giving birth because the specialist mentioned how it can affect Evalyn through my milk, so this added on to the frustration and anxiety.
With each feeding I was attempting to nurse Evalyn and then she would be cup fed by either my mom or husband. I decided that since she was getting more in her system and showing signs of gaining strength, I would attempt the "kangaroo" method with her and see if that would help her latch. All day on Sunday I had her wrapped skin to skin with me in our SleepyWrap. This proved to be a lot more draining than I expected.
I wasn't able to nap because of my cramping and each time Evalyn had to be fed I had to unwrap her, attempt to keep her in the wrap to conserve her body heat and nurse while I was over engorged and sore to the touch from my milk coming in. When nursing failed, I had to pump and have someone else feed her and then wrap her up all over again. After doing this all day I was completely and utterly drained... but then she latched on and nursed for two full feeding sessions. I felt like this really could be working.
My mom came back over to help us over night. My husband slept in the nursery this time to get up with Loreli when needed and my mom was going to sleep on the couch and help me only if I needed. The first feeding session came and I was extremely hopeful since we had made good progress, but Evalyn wanted nothing to do with latching on. This was the straw that broke the camels back for me.
I have always been pro-breastfeeding and always stressed the importance to my family and friends of the effects of breastfeeding and breast milk. The bonding experience alone is enough of an argument to nurse. I've also always told my friends to never give up in the first week, that it is going to be extremely difficult no matter what because of raging hormones and physical recovery from labor. Add to that sleep deprivation and getting to know your newborn and things can get very frustrating. I've always said not to give up, that if you give up in the first week that is just weak and selfish. Here I was not even five days into the experience and I was ready to throw in the towel.
I had an extremely long talk with my mom and cried my eyes out while weighing the options. In the back of my head I wonder if Evalyn will have more allergies or will she be as smart as Loreli if she doesn't get breast milk as long as she did? I realize there are thousands of babies who never receive even a drop of breast milk and they turn out just fine (my husband is a great example, he was always formula fed as a baby), but I want the absolute best for my children and feel that it is my responsibility to do everything in my power to make sure they have the best. Will I be able to bond with Evalyn as she is already losing one on one time by coming in as the second child, she won't get nearly the undivided attention that Loreli received, so do I want to break that chance to bond?
A ton of thoughts and questions went through my head and my mother was supportive of both continuing to attempt nursing and quitting. The more into the conversation we went the more my heart was telling me that this just wasn't meant to be. I decided to sleep on it and see how I felt in the morning with a more cool and level state of thinking. This certainly was starting to sound like someone completely different, not anything I would ever see myself doing.
I laid in bed for a little while before dozing off, Evalyn skin to skin wrapped against me and dreaming away. I thought about what will really be best for our family. I have to remember that any decision I make doesn't just affect me or Evalyn, it affects all of us. The stress and anxiety that this nursing issue was causing me was not something I wanted to continue on. It won't be long before I am left with both girls by myself and I won't have anyone to cup feed Evalyn if we are still working on latching. I also have to think about my other daughter. Just in three days of working with Evalyn to nurse, I was neglecting Loreli a great deal. I know that she doesn't know anything the wiser because she has had other people around to keep her occupied, but it is still something that bothered me.
In the end I weighed all of the points to both sides and decided that I am done attempting to nurse. It is heart breaking but at the same time not something I am sorry for. I am going to continue to pump breast milk and bottle feed it to Evalyn as long as my body will allow me to and when that is no longer an option, she will receive formula. The important thing is that she has received the collostrum and will receive at least some breast milk. I do not feel that I will lose bonding with my Lil Nugget because I am confident in my dedication as a mother and know that both of my girls will know they are very loved by me.
They say the breast is always best... but at what cost? I never thought I would be at the point I am right now. I've always either secretly or openly looked down on those who gave up or never tried to nurse. Now the show is on the other foot and I am seeing more of the other side. If Evalyn were my only child I would most certainly dedicate myself to nursing and not giving up, but I have a family to think of. I need to be the happiest me I can be in order to help my family go on. My mother made a good point- children will always make you modify your original plan. My father in law always says that happy children come from happy homes. Both are right and with that said, I Corinne Ryan do not think that breast is always best. I now realize that a happy mom and healthy baby are more important, no matter how you get to that point.
