I love him.

It was sometime in 2007. A few friends and I were in our very early 20's with heads as big as a watermelon as we were just promoted to "manager" for the Management Resolution Group in the mortgage department at Washington Mutual. We were young, making pretty good money and having fun with it. Among the mortgage MRG co-workers were a few women in their late 20's/early 30's either single or married with children, some older women married or divorced with children grown and out of the house and a very low number of men ranging from early 20's to perhaps even into the 60's. Most of the guys were in relationships and a few had children. My friend Lindsay and I were known as big flirts. She was blonde with huge boobs, which every man lusts after and I was her brunette tag-a-long friend. We had our ups and downs with boyfriends and enjoyed chatting about them at work on breaks. That's when I first noticed him. He sat across from Lindsay with their backs to each other. He was tall, tan and in every physical way the exact man I always imagined myself with. His desk was very plain but what most definitely stood out was the one picture on his desk... an 8x10 of his girlfriend. James Ryan was known as being off the market, though every woman single or taken in our department thought he was absolutely gorgeous. As we all became comfortable in our roles as taking manager calls for the call center, James built a reputation for being a "know-it-all." He hardly spoke with anyone outside of his group of friends. I automatically assumed he was one of those good-looking guys who wouldn't give anyone else the time of day. The most we ever communicated was saying, "hello" or nodding as we walked by each other. If I had a question and really couldn't find anyone to help me I would send him an instant message on the computer, but it was always strictly business talk, "what is this," "how do I find this," "here's the answer" type deal. Our department was split into teams, each led by a CSM, or customer service manager and our teams often were moved around for whatever reason that seemed to make sense or be more politically correct at the time. Lucky for me one of the moves involved James being strategically placed diagonally from me. We had high cubes and there was a post in front of my desk, so we didn't have direct view of each other but I suddenly had a lot of reasons to walk back and forth down the isle. I was going through a nasty break up from a relationship that didn't last very long but became very dramatic. I was heavily involved in some quality girl-talk with my friend Ellen one day and we discussed the crappy situation I found myself in when out of nowhere I blurted out, "Yanno, James Ryan is super hot." I had known she was on his work team but no idea that she actually knew him personally. Her eyes lit up immediately as she responded, "He just went through an awful break up also, you two would be perfect for each other! Let me set you up!" My first reaction was to tell her she was on drugs because he would not ever give me the time of day. My fear of rejection made me have her promise she wouldn't say anything. A few days went by and each time I walked by his desk I smiled a little more. I started wearing more flattering clothing and making sure I looked as decent as possible at work. I caved and asked Ellen for help but she was out of work for a few days. In my own impatient nature, I swallowed my pride and took the plunge. Via instant message. Yes, o how courageous. I sat five feet away from him but hid behind my post and asked him if he were interested in hanging out outside of work sometime. "Sure." "Cool." And I closed the IM. What an idiot. The next day I received an e-mail from James saying something along the lines of, "if we are going to hang out then here's my number, can I take yours? What would you like to do?" Ok so me being shy and making a fool of myself didn't completely ruin my chances. We made plans to go out to eat and to the movies... as friends. I was excited to be able to see him outside of work but it was very hard to convince myself NOT to have a huge crush on him and keep it platonic. I imagined James Ryan to be this stuck up guy with a flashy car who would brag about his accomplishments and extra curricular activities. The typical guy I had gone out on dates with before. This was not the case at all. He picked me up in his old hand-me-down "big red boat" as it was called (I have no idea the make, model or year of the vehicle)and I was shocked. I had no clue what to say and it was about halfway through our 40 minute drive to the restaurant that he turned his head to me with a big ole smile and said, "This is a long drive, yanno. You can't be quiet forever." To this day James swears I haven't shut up since that moment. We very quickly fell in love. We spent every single waking moment we possibly could together. We had conversations that lasted hours and hours about our past, present and what we hoped for the future. There was absolutely no doubt for either of us that this was it, this was that once in a lifetime love that only a few very lucky people on this earth get to experience. By the time we had been dating for five months we had bought a pet together... and closed on our first house. Everyone thought we were crazy and naive and not thinking (which we really could have put more thought into the house selection, but o well), but we were in love. A week before Christmas we were budgeting out our bills and what we could spend on gifts for family members. Suddenly we had about $600 less than I knew we should. I asked James about this and he non-nonchalantly insisted my calculations were off. I told his sister and brother's girlfriend that night that I thought James had bought a ring because we suddenly were broke. His sister (who had gone to the jewelery store with him) did a very good job of convincing me I was wrong. That Christmas we celebrated at our pretty empty, new house with my parents, his parents and his siblings and their significant others. We exchanged personal gifts before anyone came over. I can't for the love of God remember everything we got each other but I do remember James had given me a few pajama pants and some hoodies, which I insisted on wearing the whole day despite his hint for me to wear something decent. It was toward the end of the day and the 10 of us sat around our living room full of wrapping paper and new toys enjoying all of our new gifts. I was looking at something someone had given me and completely in my own world when James, with his newly shaved head and face, wearing a white button-down shirt and tie was standing over me sweating and shaking like a leaf. He knelled down and pulled out the ring. He didn't have any sappy speech or romantic saying, he just simply said, "Will you marry me?" And so began our fairytale. Five months later, the day after our one-year anniversary, I found out I was pregnant with our first child. Six months later we married. Eight months later I found out I was pregnant with our second child. And now we are expecting our third beautiful little girl. The last two and a half years have held many obstacles for us mainly financially but also emotionally and mentally. It's so very easy to get frustrated when you see others getting flowers or expensive gifts for no reason, when my own husband forgets to buy things at the store I've advised we needed three or four times. It's easy to forget the love and passion you have for one another when your day-to-day routine is filled with teething, colicky babies, rebellious toddlers, broken lawnmowers and stressful jobs. But when I think back to how we started to where we are now I am so incredibly grateful to have this wonderful man next to me. James Ryan swept me off my feet. Since that day he has been right next to me through so many highs and lows. He has supported me in every single dream or wish I have ever said out loud. I love him.

Happy Mother's Day

Today is the first time in ages that I've had a few moments of quiet to be able to sit down and write. So much has been happening and we are so busy day to day, it's wonderful to have the chance to listen to the birds sing, breathe in the crisp morning air and relax. Today is Mother's Day. :) In the last few months there have been so many changes to our lives as a little family. The girls started going to daycare. We have been blessed to have help from both sets of parents. My mom picks the girls up when the daycare closes, takes them to our house and gives them dinner, baths and puts them to bed. This is a huge under taking as she's not asking for any sort of payment, she often will buy them food and activities and well, my kids are a handful to take on. :) My in-laws take Loreli for one to two days/nights a week and whenever needed they will watch both girls if my mom is unavailable. This has been wonderful for her to continue her close relationship with them. We are expecting our third child and holy cow I'm already halfway through my pregnancy! We found out this one is also a girl :) and we plan to name her Charlotte Marie. This pregnancy has been so much easier than the last two as I had my gull bladder removed after I had Evalyn, all of the complications that caused are gone. Don't get me wrong, it is absolutely exhausting to take care of two children, work full-time and be pregnant but I get a lot of help and we manage to make it through. I try to take time to sit and relax whenever the opportunity presents itself and James has been absolutely wonderful with taking over night time duties with Evalyn. On this Mother's Day holiday I think of all that I am thankful for. Day to day stress can very easily cause someone to stray from realizing how fortunate they are. We have Loreli going through her terrible two's, which I have to admit haven't been so terrible, but she has her moments that I wonder if a demon spawn took briefly took place of my wonderful happy child. We have Evalyn who we continue to struggle with figuring out. She still will not sleep more than an hour or two on her own though she has been getting better with her screaming fits, it can truly be a struggle to deal with them when they come. Now she has started breaking out all over. It began with her face and now is spreading to her arms. And then we have Charlotte, who we found out may have something going on with her heart. As the doctor described in between using words I didn't understand at all- what I gathered is that one of the muscles which helps her heart pump blood between the four chambers looks to have torn and is not healing correctly. We were referred to a specialist who we will see this coming Tuesday. We were told that when we see the specialist this problem may have healed and corrected itself by then or we may need to talk more about action plans and monitor Charlotte more closely. With all of this said, add to it hormones, little sleep and an extremely stressful full-time job and I have admittedly been struggling with finding happiness. There have been so many moments that I have just burst into tears, a lot of times not over one thing in particular, I just start crying whether its at work in the middle of talking to a customer, while I'm getting ready for the day or at any other random moment. I'm scared, stressed, tired, and despite never actually being alone... I'm lonely in the thought that I'm going through all of this alone. This is certainly not the person I want to be and so I have been working hard to find happiness. Evalyn started walking. This is something I honestly wondered if we would ever see. Loreli has new words, phrases and faces every day that you just can't help but laugh at. My husband goes over the top to help with the kids and not just for the thought of trying to make things easier for me, but because he truly loves and is committed to his children. I don't know many men who would do half the things he does and the fact that he does it because he wants to- not because he feels he has to- just melts my heart. I've gotten to the stage in pregnancy that I am feeling Charlotte move more and more each day. These are all reasons I find to open myself up and bring myself back to reality. I am blessed beyond words. I recently watched a video of a woman who has a son born with an extreme cleft in his mouth and no eyes. His eye sockets were surgically closed because he simply was born without any eyes. Watching her video about what she went through when he was born, the stares and ridicule they received from the public brought me back to reality and I realized- wow, there is always someone else out there fighting a bigger battle than I. In this video she expressed how she stayed strong and how things turned around as people were made aware of their story through Facebook. Instead of getting shun in public, they are thought of as an inspiration and this mothers story of how positive she has remained was truly inspiring. This reminds me of how much I am blessed with and that instead of stressing about what could be wrong, I need to rejoice in what is right. Today for Mother's Day my mom and I are going to the Unitarian Universalist church in town. It's been a long time since I've attended church and I have to admit this is the first time I am attending because I really feel I need to. For a very long time I've been unsure of what I believe in spiritually. I feel that now more than ever there is some force pulling me to pray. I feel that in my recent prayers I have found strength. And hope. I want to be the mother who never gives in to the fear and remains positive. I want to believe that with positive thinking there will be a positive outcome. I want God to know that I am not wallowing in self-pity and I do not feel sorry for myself. I am thankful beyond words for everything I am blessed with. On this Mother's Day I am thankful that life has given me the opportunity to bring life into the world. I am thankful for all of the support I am given. I am thankful for all of the love I am surrounded by. I am thankful for my mother, my mother-in-law, my grandmothers and my babies.

Being a Mother

I've recently had the pleasure of reading a few other blogs by mothers addressing different topics and thought it appropriate to update my own. One of the blogs I read discussed the humor and aggravation a mother felt as her three hyper children caused a scene in a store and an elderly woman commented to her to "cherish each moment because it goes by too fast." She went on and on about the difference between cherishing the good times with her children and accepting the fact that sometimes it is hard and not each moment is like golden sunshine and rainbows. I can certainly relate to that one! Throughout the last two years of being a mother there have been more than a handful of times I wanted to pull my hair out, scream and cry at the same time. On the other hand there are numerous times that I am thankful for having the ability to bring these amazing beings into the world and being able to witness every first smile, each new discovery and the unconditional love. There are so many different levels of becoming a mother and being a mother, and they can all be either extremely draining or extremely overwhelming in a positive way.

The latest blog I read was addressing a mother of one who went up to a mother of nine and said, "I thought I had it hard!" The mother of nine wrote about how yes, having nine children is a challenge but there is certainly no denying that even being a mother of one can be difficult. I love that this mother brought up the challenging points of becoming a mother. Without a doubt it is a complete turn around to now have a new life you are responsible for around the clock 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Even to those who have "natural" mothering skills will discover challenges they never thought of. With my first child I found that I was constantly comparing her to the charts and other children as far as where she should be at in development and her skills. When my second child came along and presented her own challenges, I quickly learned how miniscule the things I once worried about really were. To think I used to worry about what the exact balance of fruits, vegetables and protein are needed daily for baby food meals is just too darn funny now.

The initial move from mother of one to mother of two was quite a shock. There were so many overwhelming factors that went into the stress and frustration I felt, but after about a month, maybe even two, I had the multitasking down pat. In being a mother you not only worry about that baby or babies, but you also worry about how every single move you make for yourself affects them. There are the ever popular battles of breastfeeding vs formula feeding, working vs staying home, daycare vs home care, disposable diapers vs cloth... the list goes on. I learned quickly after my second child was born that there are circumstances which will grant each decision to be valid. I'd say 90% of the reasons mothers choose one or the other makes total and complete sense- if you look at it from a non bias stand point. I learned that no matter which route a mother takes, whether for personal reasons or for the interest of the child, both will more than likely result in a happy mommy which then passes to a result of a happy baby. Poe-tate-toe/Pa-tat-toe.

I was adamant about breastfeeding with my first child and though I struggled with it at times, enjoyed it on a personal level feeling a close bond with my baby and felt fulfilled knowing I as a mother was providing something for her that nobody else could, and that it was the absolute best thing for her. With my second child I had every intention of breastfeeding and when it became a great challenge, I enlisted the help of a specialist. When I felt "defeated" I came to a realization of what I felt was best for me inevitably was best for my baby. Since my second child was too weak to feed from even a bottle and I was struggling greatly with pumping when needed, feeding her by cup and tending to the care of my oldest, formula was in fact the best decision. I struggled at first feeling guilt that my youngest daughter wasn't receiving the same wonderful nutrients my first did and that perhaps this would hinder us from forming a special bond, but then I realized that since I could now have the help of others in feeding her that meant more sleep for me, more time to tend to my oldest and therefore my baby would have a mother who was less tense and she would then be happier. Of course life took its course and my baby developed other issues, but those issues (though extremely difficult) were that much easier to deal with since I wasn't constantly adding the stress of worrying about pumping or hiding myself to feed her. I'm sure a lot of my breastfeeding moms would have tons of hoots and hollers about those comments, but this is where I say I can see both sides- perhaps judgment shouldn't fall on those who weren't actually experiencing what I or someone else experienced. This is where I think both sides have valid points and I would never discount either opinion.

I could go on and on in relating my experiences with each controversial mothering topic, but I do need to get to bed eventually so that is where I will stop with that. Each day my life changes and more often than I'd like the course my life is changing(though it has been mostly positive changes lately which I am grateful for). As my life path continues to unfold, every move I make is with the best interest of my children in mind. The love a mother has for her children is something truly incredible and most special. I've even heard from someone who is not a parent that I am "obsessed" with my kids. Well... I wouldn't have it any other way. My children are the reason I get up every day and work hard to make my life better so that I can in turn fill their lives with everything they need and deserve. They are my reason for being.