I have now been working full time at my job for a month. I thought that by now I would be ok with leaving the girls but it seems as if it gets harder and harder each week. I spent the better part of yesterday and this morning crying because I don't want to leave them today. We had such an amazing weekend with our babies. It was the first weekend in probably two months that we actually spent as a family just the four of us (with the exception of a brief outing with my mom :).
To think now that I was jealous of my husband having somewhere to go to get away from this house and now I'm crying just at the thought of leaving for 10 hours...
I'm finding myself spending time in the morning cleaning and getting myself ready (so I look halfway decent) rather than spending time with my kids. By the time we are done working they are passed out and ready for bed. For a good part of the last few weeks after James returned from Texas and I started going to work full time, Loreli wanted nothing to do with me and wouldn't let James out of her sight. She would even bite me, scream and kick just when I tried to cuddle with her. After spending this weekend together we are back to cuddling and playing and I don't want to let go of that. I feel like such a sob but just typing that makes me start crying again.
James is such a wonderful husband and remains by my side, telling me it's my choice to work and he will stick by me in whatever I choose to do. I know in my gut I need to pay off my debt the right way instead of filing bankruptcy. There is a little voice in my head telling me it would all be ok and be over with so quickly and I could just be with my babies all day long. The voice of reason weighs much more heavily and I know I need to do what is right.
Be careful what you wish for... you just might get it.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
A new chapter
As I am no longer a "housewife" and I am now working a full time job and still in the process of building my own photography business, I have changed the name of the blog from "Ramblings of a housewife" to "Ramblings of a working mom."
As I am in the midst of yet another major life change, I need to take a few moments to reflect on how I came to the decision to work full time. In April of 2010 I was fired from my full time job at a law firm. Loreli was four months old at the time and due to a last minute change in child care, I was unable to work my set schedule for a few weeks as we prepared for and looked into child care alternatives. I was in an incredibly negative work atmosphere and had experienced nothing but struggle from the moment I returned from maternity leave. Most of the conflict involved me pumping breast milk at work and my colleagues AND boss being uncomfortable and/or against it. Needless to say I didn't look at losing that job as a complete loss.
A few months later I found myself in a temporary part time job surrounded by people who were fun and enjoying life. For the most part I really enjoyed that job but it was a temp job which forever promised to become permanent and never did. Even though I was working and we weren't paying for child care at the time, I found myself for the first time in a position which I was unable to pay all of my bills. We made sure all of the household bills were paid and the "important" expenses we needed to be paid were but all of my personal credit card and medical debt went ignored and pushed to the side.
With the discovery of another baby on the way my personal debt became less and less important. There were collection calls and notices being made and even a few family members received embarrassing information but I put aside my pride in those few situations and tried to concentrate on what was really my main focus... my family.
Two months before Evalyn was born I was laid off from my part time temp job. I can't say it was a complete surprise but it was one of those things you have a big sign in front of you warning you about but you don't want to see it. When it actually happened reality set in and the "o shit" feeling came into focus.
Though the financial loss of my part time job hit us hard, we knew we were expecting our tax return in just a few short weeks so we held our breath so to say knowing we would be able to use that to pay a few months of bills. We also had yet to buy anything for the new baby. Everyone figured since we had just had a child we must have everything we needed and for the most part that would be a correct statement, but we didn't have a crib or a double stroller or a few other things I felt were really important for Evalyn's arrival. People can tell a pregnant mother until their blue in the face that everything will be "ok" and that you have the "essentials" but any woman has been pregnant and experienced "nesting" will vouch that the feeling of being unprepared weighs heavily.
Evalyn arrived and I quickly concentrated solely on my motherly duties. Struggling with breastfeeding and multi-tasking a toddler and baby were things I really needed to focus my attention on rather than what bill collector was calling for the millionth time. When Evalyn was two months old her demeanor and health took a turn and looking back at that time I can only describe it as a nightmare. No, my child has not ever suffered from a life threatening or debilitating disease or injury and yes, colic and acid reflux are extremely common, but I had had what seems like the most perfect and healthy child as my first born and to experience these things and not know what was going on with my child for so long was stressful to say the least.
I spent a few months concentrating solely on finding ways to make my baby comfortable and happy. I tried my best to find time to make sure my oldest was receiving the attention and education she needed at her age. During this time of concentrating so hard on my children I really started to lose myself.
During this time of Evalyn's arrival and the first few months of life we struggled incredibly financially. We found out that our tax return was not going to come before Evalyn was born as we had been banking on and there was a delay with everyone who had to pay back the "First Time Homebuyers Tax Credit." There were thousands of people affected by this minor glitch in the IRS computer system and man did we feel the burn. We borrowed money just to keep our electric on and heat in our home. We applied for HEAP which helped a great much and borrowed money for groceries, gas, car and insurance payments. Meanwhile most everyone around us was enjoying the luxuries of their recent purchases because unlike us, they weren't banking on that money just to get by.
The beginning of 2012 was an incredible rollar coaster both financially and emotionally. When we finally did receive our tax return we used what very little was left after paying bills and paying back money we borrowed to go out to the MidWest and visit my family. We probably should have used it for future bills or put in savings for another possible crisis but we really really needed that short little break from our day to day lives. The vacation not only allowed the girls to meet the majority of my side of the family but it also brought us the presence and influence of such positive people. It also brought us back to appreciating our little family and the love we have.
When we returned home I decided I needed to do something, anything even if it were one day a week for just a few hours that was separate from my family. I needed to find myself again and come back to enjoying my talents. I enrolled in a photography course and started my own business. This was a wonderful decision and I was so incredibly surprised with complete support from my parents and husband.
A few months into my photography business and I found that I really have a knack for the business, but I wasn't bringing in the type of income even worth claiming, much less that would pay any of my debt. Collectors were calling so often that I turned the house phone to silent so I just wouldn't have to deal with them day in and day out. It was towards the end of summer that I was "served" papers stating that one of the credit card companies was going to sue me. When I called I was informed they were in the process of taking action to put a lien on our home since we didn't have the income to pay back the debt and I didn't have a full time job which my wages could be garnished from. Here came the "o shit" feeling again.
After Evalyn was born the main reason I did not go back to work was because we had determined that I would need to start at a certain rate in order for it to be worth me working. With me working we would no longer qualify for HEAP or WIC, we would have to pay child care full time for two children and after all of that was said and done, I would need to make a profit and be able to pay my debt. There just weren't jobs around us offering the amount I needed so I stayed home. Shortly after I was "served" the papers, I started contacting lawyers regarding filing for bankruptcy.
I spoke with a few lawyers and found one I was really comfortable with. I sent them what seemed like a series of books with all of my debt information and we set up a payment plan. I struggled very much with this decision because I've never been one to give up on anything but the reality was that I had obviously given up a long time ago or things wouldn't have gotten to this. At this point I just wanted the debt gone, the collectors to stop harassing me and my family and to move on from the situation.
The next month we found out my husbands income was going to increase to the point that we no longer needed to worry how we were going to put gas in the car each week, we no longer had to scrape together just to buy a relative or friend a birthday present... we were finally going to be "comfortable" enough financially that we wouldn't be holding our breath starting the day after a pay check was received until the next one came.
I then found out that the place where my husband works was also hiring at a rate that would fit perfect into what we needed. My husband could now take care of all of the main expenses and with this new job, I could fully pay for full time child care and pay off my debt. But then the decision was... do I want to leave my children and go back to work? I now struggled daily with this decision and constantly went back and forth. I put in my application and went through the interview first just to see if the question was one to even ponder.
As I waited for a call I still went back and forth and eventually decided that I did not want to leave my girls, I wanted to be home with them. But this meant I most definitely had to file bankruptcy. My husbands increase in pay was enough to keep us comfortably stable day to day but not enough to pay back all of the debt that I had accrued. Filing bankruptcy meant that in a year or two when we go to put our house up for sale, the lenders would see not only all of my late credit reporting but also that I had just given up and surrendered. This would most definitely affect our chances at getting our dream home.
Finally when the call came offering me the full time position, I went with my gut and I took it. I decided in the long run not to take the easy way out and to pay back what had been given to me, if not for the credit building and the future home prospect then at least for the simple value of paying what was loaned to me.
When I accepted the position to go back to work full time, I was over my head with stress of being home day in and day out. I felt completely disconnected from the world and longed for day to day adult connection and interaction. I envied my husband for having a place to go 5 days a week where he could be without children screaming and hanging on him, without household chores and talk with other adults.
When I accepted the new job I not only was thinking of the financial benefits but I also was yearning for the feeling of being useful and using my brain again. I was yearning for a break from being mommy 24/7.
During my last week at home my husband was sent to Texas for work. I quickly realized how much he really helps out around the house and though I got small breaks from the kids with him home, I realized how much those breaks kept me going. By the time my first day of work came around I was all but jumping up and down and cheering to drop the girls off and go into my new workplace. The beginning of my first week was wonderful! I saw a ton of faces I hadn't seen since I had left three years prior and was seeing a lot of screens and information I had known for so long but hadn't given a thought to in forever. I felt confident, I felt renewed. I felt useful.
At the end of my first week we were given a chance to sit with other people who do our job and see first hand what the day to day work is like. By the end of this experience I was so overwhelmed, I called my husband with serious doubts about my ability to do this job. Going into my second week I am still feeling overwhelmed with information but after some confidence building with my mom and husband I know I just need to give it time.
Now that I am a "working mom" I sit here and think about all that I had left unnoticed. I now have to actually make myself psychically presentable everyday. No more ten minute shower, throw the hair up and put on the first thing I find. I now need to do all of my house work when I would usually relax with my family and enjoy time together. As Evalyn goes through teething and her first cold I have to in a way let go of her because I'm not there with her 24/7 to monitor her.
The grass is always greener on the other side. As a stay at home mom I longed for a career so that I could feel useful and contribute to the home. As a working mom I now feel like I need to take each moment I can to be with my family. There are pros and cons to both sides.
I hope that with this new job I am making the right decision. I will probably question that choice constantly. I would probably question it even if I had chosen to stay home. Whether I am home with the girls or at a full time job working I will always long for the positive of the other life. With this new job I look forward not only to the financial freedom I will gain after my debt is paid but to making a difference in other peoples lives, whether it be my co-workers or customers. I hope that in leaving the comfort of my home I can bring good things to those around me.
With how my life has played out over the last three years all I can really say is that no matter what I do, I'm going to do it to my best ability. I'm going to find the happiness out of every situation. I'm going to work hard to make sure my family, most importantly my children are taken care of. And most of all I am never going to let my family go through anything like this past year again.
As I am in the midst of yet another major life change, I need to take a few moments to reflect on how I came to the decision to work full time. In April of 2010 I was fired from my full time job at a law firm. Loreli was four months old at the time and due to a last minute change in child care, I was unable to work my set schedule for a few weeks as we prepared for and looked into child care alternatives. I was in an incredibly negative work atmosphere and had experienced nothing but struggle from the moment I returned from maternity leave. Most of the conflict involved me pumping breast milk at work and my colleagues AND boss being uncomfortable and/or against it. Needless to say I didn't look at losing that job as a complete loss.
A few months later I found myself in a temporary part time job surrounded by people who were fun and enjoying life. For the most part I really enjoyed that job but it was a temp job which forever promised to become permanent and never did. Even though I was working and we weren't paying for child care at the time, I found myself for the first time in a position which I was unable to pay all of my bills. We made sure all of the household bills were paid and the "important" expenses we needed to be paid were but all of my personal credit card and medical debt went ignored and pushed to the side.
With the discovery of another baby on the way my personal debt became less and less important. There were collection calls and notices being made and even a few family members received embarrassing information but I put aside my pride in those few situations and tried to concentrate on what was really my main focus... my family.
Two months before Evalyn was born I was laid off from my part time temp job. I can't say it was a complete surprise but it was one of those things you have a big sign in front of you warning you about but you don't want to see it. When it actually happened reality set in and the "o shit" feeling came into focus.
Though the financial loss of my part time job hit us hard, we knew we were expecting our tax return in just a few short weeks so we held our breath so to say knowing we would be able to use that to pay a few months of bills. We also had yet to buy anything for the new baby. Everyone figured since we had just had a child we must have everything we needed and for the most part that would be a correct statement, but we didn't have a crib or a double stroller or a few other things I felt were really important for Evalyn's arrival. People can tell a pregnant mother until their blue in the face that everything will be "ok" and that you have the "essentials" but any woman has been pregnant and experienced "nesting" will vouch that the feeling of being unprepared weighs heavily.
Evalyn arrived and I quickly concentrated solely on my motherly duties. Struggling with breastfeeding and multi-tasking a toddler and baby were things I really needed to focus my attention on rather than what bill collector was calling for the millionth time. When Evalyn was two months old her demeanor and health took a turn and looking back at that time I can only describe it as a nightmare. No, my child has not ever suffered from a life threatening or debilitating disease or injury and yes, colic and acid reflux are extremely common, but I had had what seems like the most perfect and healthy child as my first born and to experience these things and not know what was going on with my child for so long was stressful to say the least.
I spent a few months concentrating solely on finding ways to make my baby comfortable and happy. I tried my best to find time to make sure my oldest was receiving the attention and education she needed at her age. During this time of concentrating so hard on my children I really started to lose myself.
During this time of Evalyn's arrival and the first few months of life we struggled incredibly financially. We found out that our tax return was not going to come before Evalyn was born as we had been banking on and there was a delay with everyone who had to pay back the "First Time Homebuyers Tax Credit." There were thousands of people affected by this minor glitch in the IRS computer system and man did we feel the burn. We borrowed money just to keep our electric on and heat in our home. We applied for HEAP which helped a great much and borrowed money for groceries, gas, car and insurance payments. Meanwhile most everyone around us was enjoying the luxuries of their recent purchases because unlike us, they weren't banking on that money just to get by.
The beginning of 2012 was an incredible rollar coaster both financially and emotionally. When we finally did receive our tax return we used what very little was left after paying bills and paying back money we borrowed to go out to the MidWest and visit my family. We probably should have used it for future bills or put in savings for another possible crisis but we really really needed that short little break from our day to day lives. The vacation not only allowed the girls to meet the majority of my side of the family but it also brought us the presence and influence of such positive people. It also brought us back to appreciating our little family and the love we have.
When we returned home I decided I needed to do something, anything even if it were one day a week for just a few hours that was separate from my family. I needed to find myself again and come back to enjoying my talents. I enrolled in a photography course and started my own business. This was a wonderful decision and I was so incredibly surprised with complete support from my parents and husband.
A few months into my photography business and I found that I really have a knack for the business, but I wasn't bringing in the type of income even worth claiming, much less that would pay any of my debt. Collectors were calling so often that I turned the house phone to silent so I just wouldn't have to deal with them day in and day out. It was towards the end of summer that I was "served" papers stating that one of the credit card companies was going to sue me. When I called I was informed they were in the process of taking action to put a lien on our home since we didn't have the income to pay back the debt and I didn't have a full time job which my wages could be garnished from. Here came the "o shit" feeling again.
After Evalyn was born the main reason I did not go back to work was because we had determined that I would need to start at a certain rate in order for it to be worth me working. With me working we would no longer qualify for HEAP or WIC, we would have to pay child care full time for two children and after all of that was said and done, I would need to make a profit and be able to pay my debt. There just weren't jobs around us offering the amount I needed so I stayed home. Shortly after I was "served" the papers, I started contacting lawyers regarding filing for bankruptcy.
I spoke with a few lawyers and found one I was really comfortable with. I sent them what seemed like a series of books with all of my debt information and we set up a payment plan. I struggled very much with this decision because I've never been one to give up on anything but the reality was that I had obviously given up a long time ago or things wouldn't have gotten to this. At this point I just wanted the debt gone, the collectors to stop harassing me and my family and to move on from the situation.
The next month we found out my husbands income was going to increase to the point that we no longer needed to worry how we were going to put gas in the car each week, we no longer had to scrape together just to buy a relative or friend a birthday present... we were finally going to be "comfortable" enough financially that we wouldn't be holding our breath starting the day after a pay check was received until the next one came.
I then found out that the place where my husband works was also hiring at a rate that would fit perfect into what we needed. My husband could now take care of all of the main expenses and with this new job, I could fully pay for full time child care and pay off my debt. But then the decision was... do I want to leave my children and go back to work? I now struggled daily with this decision and constantly went back and forth. I put in my application and went through the interview first just to see if the question was one to even ponder.
As I waited for a call I still went back and forth and eventually decided that I did not want to leave my girls, I wanted to be home with them. But this meant I most definitely had to file bankruptcy. My husbands increase in pay was enough to keep us comfortably stable day to day but not enough to pay back all of the debt that I had accrued. Filing bankruptcy meant that in a year or two when we go to put our house up for sale, the lenders would see not only all of my late credit reporting but also that I had just given up and surrendered. This would most definitely affect our chances at getting our dream home.
Finally when the call came offering me the full time position, I went with my gut and I took it. I decided in the long run not to take the easy way out and to pay back what had been given to me, if not for the credit building and the future home prospect then at least for the simple value of paying what was loaned to me.
When I accepted the position to go back to work full time, I was over my head with stress of being home day in and day out. I felt completely disconnected from the world and longed for day to day adult connection and interaction. I envied my husband for having a place to go 5 days a week where he could be without children screaming and hanging on him, without household chores and talk with other adults.
When I accepted the new job I not only was thinking of the financial benefits but I also was yearning for the feeling of being useful and using my brain again. I was yearning for a break from being mommy 24/7.
During my last week at home my husband was sent to Texas for work. I quickly realized how much he really helps out around the house and though I got small breaks from the kids with him home, I realized how much those breaks kept me going. By the time my first day of work came around I was all but jumping up and down and cheering to drop the girls off and go into my new workplace. The beginning of my first week was wonderful! I saw a ton of faces I hadn't seen since I had left three years prior and was seeing a lot of screens and information I had known for so long but hadn't given a thought to in forever. I felt confident, I felt renewed. I felt useful.
At the end of my first week we were given a chance to sit with other people who do our job and see first hand what the day to day work is like. By the end of this experience I was so overwhelmed, I called my husband with serious doubts about my ability to do this job. Going into my second week I am still feeling overwhelmed with information but after some confidence building with my mom and husband I know I just need to give it time.
Now that I am a "working mom" I sit here and think about all that I had left unnoticed. I now have to actually make myself psychically presentable everyday. No more ten minute shower, throw the hair up and put on the first thing I find. I now need to do all of my house work when I would usually relax with my family and enjoy time together. As Evalyn goes through teething and her first cold I have to in a way let go of her because I'm not there with her 24/7 to monitor her.
The grass is always greener on the other side. As a stay at home mom I longed for a career so that I could feel useful and contribute to the home. As a working mom I now feel like I need to take each moment I can to be with my family. There are pros and cons to both sides.
I hope that with this new job I am making the right decision. I will probably question that choice constantly. I would probably question it even if I had chosen to stay home. Whether I am home with the girls or at a full time job working I will always long for the positive of the other life. With this new job I look forward not only to the financial freedom I will gain after my debt is paid but to making a difference in other peoples lives, whether it be my co-workers or customers. I hope that in leaving the comfort of my home I can bring good things to those around me.
With how my life has played out over the last three years all I can really say is that no matter what I do, I'm going to do it to my best ability. I'm going to find the happiness out of every situation. I'm going to work hard to make sure my family, most importantly my children are taken care of. And most of all I am never going to let my family go through anything like this past year again.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Misc. Christmas/Birthday Wishlist :)
The last few years have been all about my girls (rightfully so) and we have spent every penny we possibly could on them! This year we finally will be able to give our girls a WONDERFUL Christmas and Birthday and ALSO give ourselves the same! Here's my wish list... not in any particular order... really intended for me and hubby but for anyone to enjoy :)
1) See Amazon "wish list"
2) Mary Kay NEW! Limited-Edition* Lashes Love It! Bundle
3) Mary Kay Mineral Eye Color Bundle Hypnotic Hazel
4) Mary Kay TimeWise® 3-In-1 Cleanser (normal to dry)
5) Mary Kay TimeWise Even Complexion Mask
6) Mary Kay Hydrating Freshener 1
7) Mary Kay Enriched Moisturizer 1
8) Mary Kay Satin Lips® Set (Mask and Balm)
9) Mary Kay Travel Roll-Up Bag (unfilled)
10) Mary Kay Mint Bliss™ Energizing Lotion for Feet & Legs
11) Mary Kay TimeWise Even Complexion Essence
12) Mary Kay Time Wise Night Solution
13) Arbonne SeaSource Detox Spa 7-Day Detox Renewal Program Set
14) Arbonne Daily Power Packs for Women
15) Arbonne FC5 Mattifying Powder
16) FC5 Mattifying Powder
17) Premier Designs Jewlery
18) Avenue clothing store gift card
19) Victoria's Secret store gift card
1) See Amazon "wish list"
2) Mary Kay NEW! Limited-Edition* Lashes Love It! Bundle
3) Mary Kay Mineral Eye Color Bundle Hypnotic Hazel
4) Mary Kay TimeWise® 3-In-1 Cleanser (normal to dry)
5) Mary Kay TimeWise Even Complexion Mask
6) Mary Kay Hydrating Freshener 1
7) Mary Kay Enriched Moisturizer 1
8) Mary Kay Satin Lips® Set (Mask and Balm)
9) Mary Kay Travel Roll-Up Bag (unfilled)
10) Mary Kay Mint Bliss™ Energizing Lotion for Feet & Legs
11) Mary Kay TimeWise Even Complexion Essence
12) Mary Kay Time Wise Night Solution
13) Arbonne SeaSource Detox Spa 7-Day Detox Renewal Program Set
14) Arbonne Daily Power Packs for Women
15) Arbonne FC5 Mattifying Powder
16) FC5 Mattifying Powder
17) Premier Designs Jewlery
18) Avenue clothing store gift card
19) Victoria's Secret store gift card
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Skyscraper
Last week I saw an interview on the E! channel with actress and singer Demi Lovato. I had never heard of her but was quickly captivated by her story. The former Disney starlit spoke of her battle with depression, bulimia and cutting. She was incredibly bold and descriptive about her experience of dealing with these issues in the spotlight.
Then I saw the new music video.
"Skyscraper." The song was recorded while Demi was actively destroying her body and her vocal cords were extremely weak. The song came out raspy and it was after her recovery in rehab that the song was re-recorded. With stronger vocal cords the song just didn't sound right. The original recording was kept for the single which was recently released. Demi explained in her interview that the original recording was like a cry for help.
I never personally experienced the illness of cutting but as many teenage girls do, I did dabble into eating disorders as a teen. Depression is a strong and manipulative evil. I believe I fell into the opposite of my teen eating disorder as I went into my adult years and began binge eating to cope with my emotions.
The lyrics to the song "Skyscraper" and the feeling in Demi's voice are two things I have not been able to let go of in the last week. I have played this song literally over and over. As a survivor of depression I feel an incredibly liberated when belting out these lyrics. I just wanted to share what they are. If you have been through tough times emotionally or physically, it seems this song can fit into so many different situations. I am very proud to say that today I am happy, satisfied and hungry for more out of life. I am thankful for the life I live and I cherish every single moment.
[Demi Lovato]
Skies are crying
I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence as it's ending, like we never had a chance
Do you have to, make me feel like there is nothing left of me?
[Chorus]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like i'm made of glass
Like i'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
[Demi Lovato]
As the smoke clears
I awaken, and untangle you from me
Would it make you, feel better to watch me while I bleed?
All my windows, still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet
[Chorus]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
[Bridge]
Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here
Watch you disappear, yeah
Go run, run, run
Yeah it's a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here
[Demi Lovato]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper, Oh
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
Then I saw the new music video.
"Skyscraper." The song was recorded while Demi was actively destroying her body and her vocal cords were extremely weak. The song came out raspy and it was after her recovery in rehab that the song was re-recorded. With stronger vocal cords the song just didn't sound right. The original recording was kept for the single which was recently released. Demi explained in her interview that the original recording was like a cry for help.
I never personally experienced the illness of cutting but as many teenage girls do, I did dabble into eating disorders as a teen. Depression is a strong and manipulative evil. I believe I fell into the opposite of my teen eating disorder as I went into my adult years and began binge eating to cope with my emotions.
The lyrics to the song "Skyscraper" and the feeling in Demi's voice are two things I have not been able to let go of in the last week. I have played this song literally over and over. As a survivor of depression I feel an incredibly liberated when belting out these lyrics. I just wanted to share what they are. If you have been through tough times emotionally or physically, it seems this song can fit into so many different situations. I am very proud to say that today I am happy, satisfied and hungry for more out of life. I am thankful for the life I live and I cherish every single moment.
[Demi Lovato]
Skies are crying
I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence as it's ending, like we never had a chance
Do you have to, make me feel like there is nothing left of me?
[Chorus]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like i'm made of glass
Like i'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
[Demi Lovato]
As the smoke clears
I awaken, and untangle you from me
Would it make you, feel better to watch me while I bleed?
All my windows, still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet
[Chorus]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
[Bridge]
Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here
Watch you disappear, yeah
Go run, run, run
Yeah it's a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here
[Demi Lovato]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper, Oh
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
Monday, June 13, 2011
The Baby Blues
As the due date for my second daughter approached, I was anxious, excited, ready to not be pregnant and more than ready to meet my beautiful little girl. Evalyn's birth was surreal. The entire labor and delivery felt like it was a dream, as if it were happening to somebody else. Alas my sweet little angel had arrived.
The first few days in the hospital were wonderful. By the end of our stay I was very much wanting to get back home to my first born and settle into life as a family of four. Evalyn lost 8 ounces of weight in her first two days. This is when things began to slip away. Upon arriving home, my newborn baby was too weak to breastfeed. I communicated with a consultant and had a ton of help from my mother, but in the end my baby did not have the strength to latch on.
For two weeks I pumped breastmilk for my little angel. I battled my sorrow over not being able to breastfeed and came to the realization that if Evalyn were my one and only child, there is no doubt I would work harder to the commitment of breastfeeding. Having two children to care for on my own (my husband returned to work one week after Evalyn's birth), I could not commit myself fully. This was the beginning of my "baby blues."
Having two children to care for on my own was an incredible adjustment. To top things off our financial situation took a hit when our tax return was delayed without even an estimation of a deposit date, all due to having to pay back the First Time Homebuyers Tax Credit. For the entirety of my pregnancy we were banking on receiving our return before Evalyn's arrival, knowing that would cover any bills I would be responsible for during maternity leave. I also had been laid off from my job two months before, so we desperately needed the money.
My husband and I both went through an incredibly hard time. We tried our best to smile in front of our toddler and newborn so as not to affect them or introduce negativity into their worlds. There were moments of weakness and tears but we managed to make the best of what we had at the time and keep the basics of what we all needed stocked. Seeing people around us buying big toys and spending frivolously in front of us added the occasional sting. We didn't want anyone to hold back their own happiness because of our situation so we did our best to keep our feelings to ourselves.
With everything that happened in such a small time span, I felt my emotions sinking deep and hard into negativity. I felt unconnected to my newborn and found myself thinking and feeling things I never could have imagined a mother to feel. At times I wished Evalyn had never existed. I wanted my happy family of three back. I wanted our lives to go back to the way things were. Other times I wanted to leave my whole family all together and just give up on the incredible responsibility of wife and mother. Sometimes I wanted to die.
I was in an extreme dark place. I went to the doctor for my six week check up and admitted my feelings. I was put on an extremely high dose of Zoloft. I took the pill for three days and was flying high as a kite the entire time. Sure I felt better emotionally because I wasn't feeling anything at all! I literally went to my brother-in-laws house, sat and spent time with everyone, left, came home and went to bed only to wake up the next day and not remember even a moment of the day before. That was the end of that. No way could I take care of two children by myself while on that medication. It was suggested I ask for a lower dose and work myself up. I decided just to stay away from it all together.
I can't pinpoint the exact moment it happened but one day I suddenly was overwhelmed with love for Evalyn. I don't think I'll ever feel the connection I did with my first born with Evalyn or any children who may come after, but I realized that I can love Evalyn in different ways. This feeling couldn't have come at a better time because when this happened, Evalyn began to spit up incredible amounts and was fussy 24/7.
After a few weeks of trying to figure out what was going on with our sweet little baby, we finally came to the conclusion that she has colic. Both my husband and I were at our wits end between her screaming and spitting up and then the negative effects this had on our toddler. A ton of bricks was lifted off our household when we found the solution to helping Evalyn. She still to this day has quite a few fussy days, but nothing like what we went through at first.
After caring for my colicky baby my patience and love were both tested to the extreme. I again felt like the mother I knew I always was. I again knew that motherhood was my calling. With exercise, eating healthier and a lot of love from my husband and mom, I was able to overcome all of my dark feelings.
When the darkness faded and I stepped back into the light, spring was nearly over and summer almost in full bloom. My toddler was learning more and more about the world around her each day and I couldn't stop photographing her. And then it hit me... I've loved photography my whole life, why not pursue it as a career?
With complete support from my parents and husband I enrolled in the New York Institute of Photography. I have slowly been building my equipment and prop collection. I am working hard on learning the world of professional photography.
As I now have something to call my "niche," I use it as an avenue to direct my attention to anytime depression creeps near. I've found that I can battle the darkness of the "baby blues" without medication. Love from my two girls, husband and parents... support from my family and friends... and something to keep my focus and attention on... that is all it took.
The first few days in the hospital were wonderful. By the end of our stay I was very much wanting to get back home to my first born and settle into life as a family of four. Evalyn lost 8 ounces of weight in her first two days. This is when things began to slip away. Upon arriving home, my newborn baby was too weak to breastfeed. I communicated with a consultant and had a ton of help from my mother, but in the end my baby did not have the strength to latch on.
For two weeks I pumped breastmilk for my little angel. I battled my sorrow over not being able to breastfeed and came to the realization that if Evalyn were my one and only child, there is no doubt I would work harder to the commitment of breastfeeding. Having two children to care for on my own (my husband returned to work one week after Evalyn's birth), I could not commit myself fully. This was the beginning of my "baby blues."
Having two children to care for on my own was an incredible adjustment. To top things off our financial situation took a hit when our tax return was delayed without even an estimation of a deposit date, all due to having to pay back the First Time Homebuyers Tax Credit. For the entirety of my pregnancy we were banking on receiving our return before Evalyn's arrival, knowing that would cover any bills I would be responsible for during maternity leave. I also had been laid off from my job two months before, so we desperately needed the money.
My husband and I both went through an incredibly hard time. We tried our best to smile in front of our toddler and newborn so as not to affect them or introduce negativity into their worlds. There were moments of weakness and tears but we managed to make the best of what we had at the time and keep the basics of what we all needed stocked. Seeing people around us buying big toys and spending frivolously in front of us added the occasional sting. We didn't want anyone to hold back their own happiness because of our situation so we did our best to keep our feelings to ourselves.
With everything that happened in such a small time span, I felt my emotions sinking deep and hard into negativity. I felt unconnected to my newborn and found myself thinking and feeling things I never could have imagined a mother to feel. At times I wished Evalyn had never existed. I wanted my happy family of three back. I wanted our lives to go back to the way things were. Other times I wanted to leave my whole family all together and just give up on the incredible responsibility of wife and mother. Sometimes I wanted to die.
I was in an extreme dark place. I went to the doctor for my six week check up and admitted my feelings. I was put on an extremely high dose of Zoloft. I took the pill for three days and was flying high as a kite the entire time. Sure I felt better emotionally because I wasn't feeling anything at all! I literally went to my brother-in-laws house, sat and spent time with everyone, left, came home and went to bed only to wake up the next day and not remember even a moment of the day before. That was the end of that. No way could I take care of two children by myself while on that medication. It was suggested I ask for a lower dose and work myself up. I decided just to stay away from it all together.
I can't pinpoint the exact moment it happened but one day I suddenly was overwhelmed with love for Evalyn. I don't think I'll ever feel the connection I did with my first born with Evalyn or any children who may come after, but I realized that I can love Evalyn in different ways. This feeling couldn't have come at a better time because when this happened, Evalyn began to spit up incredible amounts and was fussy 24/7.
After a few weeks of trying to figure out what was going on with our sweet little baby, we finally came to the conclusion that she has colic. Both my husband and I were at our wits end between her screaming and spitting up and then the negative effects this had on our toddler. A ton of bricks was lifted off our household when we found the solution to helping Evalyn. She still to this day has quite a few fussy days, but nothing like what we went through at first.
After caring for my colicky baby my patience and love were both tested to the extreme. I again felt like the mother I knew I always was. I again knew that motherhood was my calling. With exercise, eating healthier and a lot of love from my husband and mom, I was able to overcome all of my dark feelings.
When the darkness faded and I stepped back into the light, spring was nearly over and summer almost in full bloom. My toddler was learning more and more about the world around her each day and I couldn't stop photographing her. And then it hit me... I've loved photography my whole life, why not pursue it as a career?
With complete support from my parents and husband I enrolled in the New York Institute of Photography. I have slowly been building my equipment and prop collection. I am working hard on learning the world of professional photography.
As I now have something to call my "niche," I use it as an avenue to direct my attention to anytime depression creeps near. I've found that I can battle the darkness of the "baby blues" without medication. Love from my two girls, husband and parents... support from my family and friends... and something to keep my focus and attention on... that is all it took.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Love for my girls
The love between a parent and child is perhaps the greatest love there is. It is an unconditional love with so many different levels. Being a stay at home mother and having the luxury of being with my children all of the time can sometimes cause me to forget just how lucky I am to have them. Fortunate for me at least once a day one of my girls does something to give me a reminder of just how wonderful they make my life.
Both of my daughters are too young to say "I love you," still, but I find it so amazing that they find so many different ways to tell me. At times Evalyn will be in her swing or on the floor wiggling around and when she hears my voice or catches a glimpse of me I notice a small smile or grin. When she is fussy (not hungry) and wants to be held, as soon as I pick her up she calms right down. This shows me her love because with me she feels safe and knows that she too is loved.
With Loreli things are a bit different. She can express emotions and has her own way of talking, but has yet to get into deep conversations. Loreli expresses her love in so many different ways, whether she gives you her wide smile, showing all of her teeth and moving her cheeks so much her eyes close, or signing "I love you." Some nights Loreli will have "binge kiss" time, when she wants nothing to do but to kiss her father and I.
There are so many different ways my girls express themselves and fill my heart with joy. Love is the biggest and most incredible of them all.
Both of my daughters are too young to say "I love you," still, but I find it so amazing that they find so many different ways to tell me. At times Evalyn will be in her swing or on the floor wiggling around and when she hears my voice or catches a glimpse of me I notice a small smile or grin. When she is fussy (not hungry) and wants to be held, as soon as I pick her up she calms right down. This shows me her love because with me she feels safe and knows that she too is loved.
With Loreli things are a bit different. She can express emotions and has her own way of talking, but has yet to get into deep conversations. Loreli expresses her love in so many different ways, whether she gives you her wide smile, showing all of her teeth and moving her cheeks so much her eyes close, or signing "I love you." Some nights Loreli will have "binge kiss" time, when she wants nothing to do but to kiss her father and I.
There are so many different ways my girls express themselves and fill my heart with joy. Love is the biggest and most incredible of them all.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
True Love
You never really understand love until you have a child. Becoming a parent will test every relationship you have in life. Love between partners can either become stronger or dwindle and disappear. If the love is strong enough to make it through numerous nights of not sleeping, hormones raging and babies crying then you know it's a forever kind of love.
In the last few months my husband and I have been through quite a bit and I am extremely proud to say that today we are stronger as a couple and in our love. We have handled me being laid off from my second job in a year, giving birth to our second child in 14 months, being delayed in receiving our much anticipated and needed tax return, me going through postpartum depression, and a number of smaller events in such a short amount of time. The events we have faced in the last few months would be enough to break a person or a relationship, but we have come out stronger than ever.
I believe strongly that the presence of our children and love that we share for them are what keep our love for each other so strong. We take on each day together as a team whether the day is filled with endless screaming and tears or countless giggles and smiles. Knowing that we created these two wonderful human beings together and we spend each day working to give them the best life possible, and we do that as a team bonds us more and more each day.
When my husband and I first started dating we fell in love very quickly. We moved so fast through the life steps in our relationship (e.g. house, engagement, marriage, kids) that we didn't allow very much time to test our love and our commitment. When we first fell in love I would look at James and see the man of my dreams. Now when I look at James I see the father of my children, the provider of our family, my partner in parenting and in life.
James is no longer the man of my dreams but now my daily reality, the man of my life. Now when I look at him, I see the man who was with me every single step of the way through two pregnancies, who shared in my ups and downs. I see the man who delivered our child, who has never said no when I asked for help with late night feedings or overloaded stinky diapers. I see the man who has been my rock through times of financial difficulty, who has cried with me when it was necessary and dried my tears and picked me up when needed. When I look at the man I have devoted my life to I am proud to call him my husband.
I never really knew what love was until I had children. Having my two daughters has not only shown me true love towards my husband, it has also taught me the undying love a parent has for their child. With my oldest who is almost 16 months old, I am amazed daily by her ability to learn so fast. Every single day Loreli brightens my life whether she does it by saying a new word or spontaneously coming up with a new dance move, there is not one day that goes by that I am not fascinated by her complete love of life. Looking at Evalyn who is just shy of 2 months old fills my heart with complete happiness and love. Knowing what lays ahead for my girls, knowing that I brought these two amazing humans into the world and what they will experience... it completes me in every way.
After having Evalyn and experiencing some unexpected alterations in our plans and life, I began to notice that I was showing signs of postpartum depression. I was thinking things and feelings things I never thought or understood a mother and a wife could go through. It was an incredible struggle the first few weeks. My doctor put me on a very high dose of antidepressants, which made me like a zombie. I actually blacked out and could not remember events and things I'd said and done. Three days of that and I was done with the antidepressants. I realize that depression can be just as much chemical as it is physical, but I believe that every day I overcome the negative thinking and feeling through either exercise or being with my family. On my darkest and hardest days my husband and daughters have picked me up just with their smiles.
In the last few months my husband and I have been through quite a bit and I am extremely proud to say that today we are stronger as a couple and in our love. We have handled me being laid off from my second job in a year, giving birth to our second child in 14 months, being delayed in receiving our much anticipated and needed tax return, me going through postpartum depression, and a number of smaller events in such a short amount of time. The events we have faced in the last few months would be enough to break a person or a relationship, but we have come out stronger than ever.
I believe strongly that the presence of our children and love that we share for them are what keep our love for each other so strong. We take on each day together as a team whether the day is filled with endless screaming and tears or countless giggles and smiles. Knowing that we created these two wonderful human beings together and we spend each day working to give them the best life possible, and we do that as a team bonds us more and more each day.
When my husband and I first started dating we fell in love very quickly. We moved so fast through the life steps in our relationship (e.g. house, engagement, marriage, kids) that we didn't allow very much time to test our love and our commitment. When we first fell in love I would look at James and see the man of my dreams. Now when I look at James I see the father of my children, the provider of our family, my partner in parenting and in life.
James is no longer the man of my dreams but now my daily reality, the man of my life. Now when I look at him, I see the man who was with me every single step of the way through two pregnancies, who shared in my ups and downs. I see the man who delivered our child, who has never said no when I asked for help with late night feedings or overloaded stinky diapers. I see the man who has been my rock through times of financial difficulty, who has cried with me when it was necessary and dried my tears and picked me up when needed. When I look at the man I have devoted my life to I am proud to call him my husband.
I never really knew what love was until I had children. Having my two daughters has not only shown me true love towards my husband, it has also taught me the undying love a parent has for their child. With my oldest who is almost 16 months old, I am amazed daily by her ability to learn so fast. Every single day Loreli brightens my life whether she does it by saying a new word or spontaneously coming up with a new dance move, there is not one day that goes by that I am not fascinated by her complete love of life. Looking at Evalyn who is just shy of 2 months old fills my heart with complete happiness and love. Knowing what lays ahead for my girls, knowing that I brought these two amazing humans into the world and what they will experience... it completes me in every way.
After having Evalyn and experiencing some unexpected alterations in our plans and life, I began to notice that I was showing signs of postpartum depression. I was thinking things and feelings things I never thought or understood a mother and a wife could go through. It was an incredible struggle the first few weeks. My doctor put me on a very high dose of antidepressants, which made me like a zombie. I actually blacked out and could not remember events and things I'd said and done. Three days of that and I was done with the antidepressants. I realize that depression can be just as much chemical as it is physical, but I believe that every day I overcome the negative thinking and feeling through either exercise or being with my family. On my darkest and hardest days my husband and daughters have picked me up just with their smiles.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Let Me Tell You About My Day...
My husband and I have a 15 month old toddler named Loreli and a one month old baby named Evalyn. We have started switching off nights with Evalyn and this way we both get sleep... eventually. Last night was my night to sleep in and when my husband, James woke me up this morning I felt as if I had just gone to bed. I was groggy and probably could have slept another ten or more hours.
My husband was quickly out the door to head off to work and Loreli had just woken up and was in her high chair enjoying a blueberry muffin. Loreli sat in her chair just long enough for me to wash the dishes that were in the sink and clean up her mess of muffin crumbs. We then started our morning with a nice, funny baby talk session. I sat in the recliner with Evalyn in my left arm and Loreli on my lap. Loreli insisted on taking her pajamas off (as usual)and put on her wonderful charm while I videotaped her on the IPod. This was the end of my wonderful morning.
After a nice babble session with the girls I received a phone call from the supervisor of our tax advocate. I could go on and on about this subject and this phone call but I'll save that for another blog. Needless to say I didn't receive good news about the status of our tax return and I was pretty upset about it. Evalyn was extremely alert and wiggly so I laid out her blanket on top of her play mat and put her down. Loreli usually likes to play with her little sister's toes and hands and kiss her a bunch but today she decided she wanted to try to step on her and be naughty. After a few attempts of telling her no I finally settled on a spanking, which I hardly ever do.
The morning continued with Evalyn being extremely fussy and both girls wanting me to hold them. Of course I can only hold Evalyn when I'm feeding her and the girl wanted to eat nearly every half hour for three hours and Loreli is still not okay with being told no to being held when her sister is. It was a morning of crying, screaming, biting and headaches. At noon I decided Loreli needed a nap since she was showing many signs of being tired. Evalyn started crying every single time Loreli was just falling asleep for an hour and a half straight. When I finally got Loreli to sleep and put into her bed Evalyn was in full fledged scream mode and needed to be fed again. Loreli slept for two hours. It seemed as if the only way to keep Evalyn quiet was to hold her close and rub her back. Every time I thought that she was fast asleep and I tried closing my eyes she would cry again.
**HERE IS WHERE IT GETS CRAZY**
After two hours of napping Loreli woke up and was ready to get out of bed. Evalyn was still fussy so I put Loreli in her high chair, got her lunch together and fed her all while snuggling Evalyn close. Loreli thought it would be more fun to throw and spit the food in my face instead of eating it. After a while I gave up on giving Loreli lunch and put a handful of her crunchy snacks in her snack cup. Just when my lunch was ready to eat of course Miss Evalyn was also ready to eat again. I set my food next to my recliner and gave Evalyn a bottle. Loreli decided to stand near the entrance to the kitchen and whine. I tried to give her a drink... she didn't want it. I tried to give her another snack... she didn't want it. Eventually I gave up and ignored the tantrum and Loreli got the hint and started playing.
As I was feeding Evalyn I looked over to Loreli standing and bouncing on the couch, snack cup in one hand, a handful of crunches in the other. I look down and there are crunches all over the couch... in a puddle of poop that was running from Loreli's (Miss Needs To Be Naked All The Time) diaper, down her leg, all over her feet and smushed into the couch. Evalyn was mid-gulp on her bottle when I quickly plopped her into her swing, grabbed Loreli holding her at arms length and ran her into the bathroom and into the tub. As I tried to wash the poop off of her as fast as possible Loreli tried to play in it as much as possible. When I finally got Loreli clean and a new diaper on I wiped down the couch the best I could and went on to feeding Evalyn, who had been screaming the whole time I was tending to Loreli.
At this point in the day I was ready to run out of the house screaming and guzzle a whole bottle of wine! I thought there was no possible way the day could get any worse... and then as I'm finishing Evalyn's feeding Loreli rips off her diaper, grabs her blanket and runs into her Cozy Coupe... and pees. I sat in the recliner with Evalyn in my arms and just stared. All I could think was, "There is no way that just happened."
I cleaned up the Cozy Coupe, Loreli and got her into a new diaper. I scarfed down my lunch as fast as possible, got Evalyn some gas drops and rocked her until my mom came over. Evalyn was dead asleep during my moms visit and Loreli played and giggled the whole time. My mom left and there was only about half an hour until my husband was expected to walk through the door. I got up and went into the nursery to change Evalyn when all of a sudden I hear a loud noise in the kitchen. Loreli had reached and grabbed her can of crunches from the table, opened the can and 75% of it was sprawled across the kitchen floor. I finished changing Evalyn, made a new bottle for her, shrugged my shoulders and left Loreli to eat off the floor.
Let's just say that when my husband finally walked through the door around 7:20 pm I was more than happy to toss the girls his way. Thankfully he decided to give me a break and take the girls to his parents house for a little while. I can see one of the events from today happening but all of them at once... it was like being in a movie. At the end of the day all I can do is laugh.
My husband was quickly out the door to head off to work and Loreli had just woken up and was in her high chair enjoying a blueberry muffin. Loreli sat in her chair just long enough for me to wash the dishes that were in the sink and clean up her mess of muffin crumbs. We then started our morning with a nice, funny baby talk session. I sat in the recliner with Evalyn in my left arm and Loreli on my lap. Loreli insisted on taking her pajamas off (as usual)and put on her wonderful charm while I videotaped her on the IPod. This was the end of my wonderful morning.
After a nice babble session with the girls I received a phone call from the supervisor of our tax advocate. I could go on and on about this subject and this phone call but I'll save that for another blog. Needless to say I didn't receive good news about the status of our tax return and I was pretty upset about it. Evalyn was extremely alert and wiggly so I laid out her blanket on top of her play mat and put her down. Loreli usually likes to play with her little sister's toes and hands and kiss her a bunch but today she decided she wanted to try to step on her and be naughty. After a few attempts of telling her no I finally settled on a spanking, which I hardly ever do.
The morning continued with Evalyn being extremely fussy and both girls wanting me to hold them. Of course I can only hold Evalyn when I'm feeding her and the girl wanted to eat nearly every half hour for three hours and Loreli is still not okay with being told no to being held when her sister is. It was a morning of crying, screaming, biting and headaches. At noon I decided Loreli needed a nap since she was showing many signs of being tired. Evalyn started crying every single time Loreli was just falling asleep for an hour and a half straight. When I finally got Loreli to sleep and put into her bed Evalyn was in full fledged scream mode and needed to be fed again. Loreli slept for two hours. It seemed as if the only way to keep Evalyn quiet was to hold her close and rub her back. Every time I thought that she was fast asleep and I tried closing my eyes she would cry again.
**HERE IS WHERE IT GETS CRAZY**
After two hours of napping Loreli woke up and was ready to get out of bed. Evalyn was still fussy so I put Loreli in her high chair, got her lunch together and fed her all while snuggling Evalyn close. Loreli thought it would be more fun to throw and spit the food in my face instead of eating it. After a while I gave up on giving Loreli lunch and put a handful of her crunchy snacks in her snack cup. Just when my lunch was ready to eat of course Miss Evalyn was also ready to eat again. I set my food next to my recliner and gave Evalyn a bottle. Loreli decided to stand near the entrance to the kitchen and whine. I tried to give her a drink... she didn't want it. I tried to give her another snack... she didn't want it. Eventually I gave up and ignored the tantrum and Loreli got the hint and started playing.
As I was feeding Evalyn I looked over to Loreli standing and bouncing on the couch, snack cup in one hand, a handful of crunches in the other. I look down and there are crunches all over the couch... in a puddle of poop that was running from Loreli's (Miss Needs To Be Naked All The Time) diaper, down her leg, all over her feet and smushed into the couch. Evalyn was mid-gulp on her bottle when I quickly plopped her into her swing, grabbed Loreli holding her at arms length and ran her into the bathroom and into the tub. As I tried to wash the poop off of her as fast as possible Loreli tried to play in it as much as possible. When I finally got Loreli clean and a new diaper on I wiped down the couch the best I could and went on to feeding Evalyn, who had been screaming the whole time I was tending to Loreli.
At this point in the day I was ready to run out of the house screaming and guzzle a whole bottle of wine! I thought there was no possible way the day could get any worse... and then as I'm finishing Evalyn's feeding Loreli rips off her diaper, grabs her blanket and runs into her Cozy Coupe... and pees. I sat in the recliner with Evalyn in my arms and just stared. All I could think was, "There is no way that just happened."
I cleaned up the Cozy Coupe, Loreli and got her into a new diaper. I scarfed down my lunch as fast as possible, got Evalyn some gas drops and rocked her until my mom came over. Evalyn was dead asleep during my moms visit and Loreli played and giggled the whole time. My mom left and there was only about half an hour until my husband was expected to walk through the door. I got up and went into the nursery to change Evalyn when all of a sudden I hear a loud noise in the kitchen. Loreli had reached and grabbed her can of crunches from the table, opened the can and 75% of it was sprawled across the kitchen floor. I finished changing Evalyn, made a new bottle for her, shrugged my shoulders and left Loreli to eat off the floor.
Let's just say that when my husband finally walked through the door around 7:20 pm I was more than happy to toss the girls his way. Thankfully he decided to give me a break and take the girls to his parents house for a little while. I can see one of the events from today happening but all of them at once... it was like being in a movie. At the end of the day all I can do is laugh.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Is Breast Always Best?
We recently welcomed into the world our second daughter, Evalyn Rae. I was induced at 39 weeks 2 days pregnant due to Evalyn's low weight gain. Thankfully she is a completely healthy, though very tiny baby. Our first daughter was quite the chunker when she was born and took to breast feeding right away. Loreli never had problems latching and ate like a pig! Unfortunately this has not been the case for our little Evalyn.
While at the hospital Evalyn began eating less and less. By the time we were discharged 48 hours after her birth she had lost 9 ounces in her weight and stopped latching on when I attempted to nurse her. The hospital gave us a special little cup to try to feed Evalyn when she wouldn't nurse so that she wouldn't get nipple confusion and would still get the food she needed. We found that the longer we were home, the more she refused to latch on to the breast and expected the cup when hungry.
When making my WIC appointment I mentioned the problem I was having getting Evalyn to latch on and was given contact information to a lactation specialist. I called the specialist right away and she gave me some great advice on trying to get Evalyn to eat more and latch on. I was definitely happy that there was still hope that I would be able to breastfeed my Lil Nugget.
The first night home was a little rocky with both girls waking each other up with their crying but the second night seemed like something out of a horror film. My mom spent the night and stayed in Loreli's room with her but Evalyn was up screaming from midnight until 5 am. With already having a great lack of sleep my husband and I both nearly lost it. To top it off I have not been taking any pain medication after giving birth because the specialist mentioned how it can affect Evalyn through my milk, so this added on to the frustration and anxiety.
With each feeding I was attempting to nurse Evalyn and then she would be cup fed by either my mom or husband. I decided that since she was getting more in her system and showing signs of gaining strength, I would attempt the "kangaroo" method with her and see if that would help her latch. All day on Sunday I had her wrapped skin to skin with me in our SleepyWrap. This proved to be a lot more draining than I expected.
I wasn't able to nap because of my cramping and each time Evalyn had to be fed I had to unwrap her, attempt to keep her in the wrap to conserve her body heat and nurse while I was over engorged and sore to the touch from my milk coming in. When nursing failed, I had to pump and have someone else feed her and then wrap her up all over again. After doing this all day I was completely and utterly drained... but then she latched on and nursed for two full feeding sessions. I felt like this really could be working.
My mom came back over to help us over night. My husband slept in the nursery this time to get up with Loreli when needed and my mom was going to sleep on the couch and help me only if I needed. The first feeding session came and I was extremely hopeful since we had made good progress, but Evalyn wanted nothing to do with latching on. This was the straw that broke the camels back for me.
I have always been pro-breastfeeding and always stressed the importance to my family and friends of the effects of breastfeeding and breast milk. The bonding experience alone is enough of an argument to nurse. I've also always told my friends to never give up in the first week, that it is going to be extremely difficult no matter what because of raging hormones and physical recovery from labor. Add to that sleep deprivation and getting to know your newborn and things can get very frustrating. I've always said not to give up, that if you give up in the first week that is just weak and selfish. Here I was not even five days into the experience and I was ready to throw in the towel.
I had an extremely long talk with my mom and cried my eyes out while weighing the options. In the back of my head I wonder if Evalyn will have more allergies or will she be as smart as Loreli if she doesn't get breast milk as long as she did? I realize there are thousands of babies who never receive even a drop of breast milk and they turn out just fine (my husband is a great example, he was always formula fed as a baby), but I want the absolute best for my children and feel that it is my responsibility to do everything in my power to make sure they have the best. Will I be able to bond with Evalyn as she is already losing one on one time by coming in as the second child, she won't get nearly the undivided attention that Loreli received, so do I want to break that chance to bond?
A ton of thoughts and questions went through my head and my mother was supportive of both continuing to attempt nursing and quitting. The more into the conversation we went the more my heart was telling me that this just wasn't meant to be. I decided to sleep on it and see how I felt in the morning with a more cool and level state of thinking. This certainly was starting to sound like someone completely different, not anything I would ever see myself doing.
I laid in bed for a little while before dozing off, Evalyn skin to skin wrapped against me and dreaming away. I thought about what will really be best for our family. I have to remember that any decision I make doesn't just affect me or Evalyn, it affects all of us. The stress and anxiety that this nursing issue was causing me was not something I wanted to continue on. It won't be long before I am left with both girls by myself and I won't have anyone to cup feed Evalyn if we are still working on latching. I also have to think about my other daughter. Just in three days of working with Evalyn to nurse, I was neglecting Loreli a great deal. I know that she doesn't know anything the wiser because she has had other people around to keep her occupied, but it is still something that bothered me.
In the end I weighed all of the points to both sides and decided that I am done attempting to nurse. It is heart breaking but at the same time not something I am sorry for. I am going to continue to pump breast milk and bottle feed it to Evalyn as long as my body will allow me to and when that is no longer an option, she will receive formula. The important thing is that she has received the collostrum and will receive at least some breast milk. I do not feel that I will lose bonding with my Lil Nugget because I am confident in my dedication as a mother and know that both of my girls will know they are very loved by me.
They say the breast is always best... but at what cost? I never thought I would be at the point I am right now. I've always either secretly or openly looked down on those who gave up or never tried to nurse. Now the show is on the other foot and I am seeing more of the other side. If Evalyn were my only child I would most certainly dedicate myself to nursing and not giving up, but I have a family to think of. I need to be the happiest me I can be in order to help my family go on. My mother made a good point- children will always make you modify your original plan. My father in law always says that happy children come from happy homes. Both are right and with that said, I Corinne Ryan do not think that breast is always best. I now realize that a happy mom and healthy baby are more important, no matter how you get to that point.
While at the hospital Evalyn began eating less and less. By the time we were discharged 48 hours after her birth she had lost 9 ounces in her weight and stopped latching on when I attempted to nurse her. The hospital gave us a special little cup to try to feed Evalyn when she wouldn't nurse so that she wouldn't get nipple confusion and would still get the food she needed. We found that the longer we were home, the more she refused to latch on to the breast and expected the cup when hungry.
When making my WIC appointment I mentioned the problem I was having getting Evalyn to latch on and was given contact information to a lactation specialist. I called the specialist right away and she gave me some great advice on trying to get Evalyn to eat more and latch on. I was definitely happy that there was still hope that I would be able to breastfeed my Lil Nugget.
The first night home was a little rocky with both girls waking each other up with their crying but the second night seemed like something out of a horror film. My mom spent the night and stayed in Loreli's room with her but Evalyn was up screaming from midnight until 5 am. With already having a great lack of sleep my husband and I both nearly lost it. To top it off I have not been taking any pain medication after giving birth because the specialist mentioned how it can affect Evalyn through my milk, so this added on to the frustration and anxiety.
With each feeding I was attempting to nurse Evalyn and then she would be cup fed by either my mom or husband. I decided that since she was getting more in her system and showing signs of gaining strength, I would attempt the "kangaroo" method with her and see if that would help her latch. All day on Sunday I had her wrapped skin to skin with me in our SleepyWrap. This proved to be a lot more draining than I expected.
I wasn't able to nap because of my cramping and each time Evalyn had to be fed I had to unwrap her, attempt to keep her in the wrap to conserve her body heat and nurse while I was over engorged and sore to the touch from my milk coming in. When nursing failed, I had to pump and have someone else feed her and then wrap her up all over again. After doing this all day I was completely and utterly drained... but then she latched on and nursed for two full feeding sessions. I felt like this really could be working.
My mom came back over to help us over night. My husband slept in the nursery this time to get up with Loreli when needed and my mom was going to sleep on the couch and help me only if I needed. The first feeding session came and I was extremely hopeful since we had made good progress, but Evalyn wanted nothing to do with latching on. This was the straw that broke the camels back for me.
I have always been pro-breastfeeding and always stressed the importance to my family and friends of the effects of breastfeeding and breast milk. The bonding experience alone is enough of an argument to nurse. I've also always told my friends to never give up in the first week, that it is going to be extremely difficult no matter what because of raging hormones and physical recovery from labor. Add to that sleep deprivation and getting to know your newborn and things can get very frustrating. I've always said not to give up, that if you give up in the first week that is just weak and selfish. Here I was not even five days into the experience and I was ready to throw in the towel.
I had an extremely long talk with my mom and cried my eyes out while weighing the options. In the back of my head I wonder if Evalyn will have more allergies or will she be as smart as Loreli if she doesn't get breast milk as long as she did? I realize there are thousands of babies who never receive even a drop of breast milk and they turn out just fine (my husband is a great example, he was always formula fed as a baby), but I want the absolute best for my children and feel that it is my responsibility to do everything in my power to make sure they have the best. Will I be able to bond with Evalyn as she is already losing one on one time by coming in as the second child, she won't get nearly the undivided attention that Loreli received, so do I want to break that chance to bond?
A ton of thoughts and questions went through my head and my mother was supportive of both continuing to attempt nursing and quitting. The more into the conversation we went the more my heart was telling me that this just wasn't meant to be. I decided to sleep on it and see how I felt in the morning with a more cool and level state of thinking. This certainly was starting to sound like someone completely different, not anything I would ever see myself doing.
I laid in bed for a little while before dozing off, Evalyn skin to skin wrapped against me and dreaming away. I thought about what will really be best for our family. I have to remember that any decision I make doesn't just affect me or Evalyn, it affects all of us. The stress and anxiety that this nursing issue was causing me was not something I wanted to continue on. It won't be long before I am left with both girls by myself and I won't have anyone to cup feed Evalyn if we are still working on latching. I also have to think about my other daughter. Just in three days of working with Evalyn to nurse, I was neglecting Loreli a great deal. I know that she doesn't know anything the wiser because she has had other people around to keep her occupied, but it is still something that bothered me.
In the end I weighed all of the points to both sides and decided that I am done attempting to nurse. It is heart breaking but at the same time not something I am sorry for. I am going to continue to pump breast milk and bottle feed it to Evalyn as long as my body will allow me to and when that is no longer an option, she will receive formula. The important thing is that she has received the collostrum and will receive at least some breast milk. I do not feel that I will lose bonding with my Lil Nugget because I am confident in my dedication as a mother and know that both of my girls will know they are very loved by me.
They say the breast is always best... but at what cost? I never thought I would be at the point I am right now. I've always either secretly or openly looked down on those who gave up or never tried to nurse. Now the show is on the other foot and I am seeing more of the other side. If Evalyn were my only child I would most certainly dedicate myself to nursing and not giving up, but I have a family to think of. I need to be the happiest me I can be in order to help my family go on. My mother made a good point- children will always make you modify your original plan. My father in law always says that happy children come from happy homes. Both are right and with that said, I Corinne Ryan do not think that breast is always best. I now realize that a happy mom and healthy baby are more important, no matter how you get to that point.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Life As You Know It Has Changed
Just two days ago on February 18th, 2011 my brother and his wife welcomed their first child into the world. Jordan Christopher Fredendall was born at 9:58 pm central time weighing 7 pounds, 9 ounces. Finally at the age of 34 (a few weeks shy of 35) my brother who has always wanted to have children is now a daddy. Unfortunately most of my family lives in Wisconsin which is about a good 14 hour drive from our home in New York but the blessings of technology and Facebook have made it possible for us here on the east coast to share in this wonderful event.
As each passing of a day brings me that much closer to the delivery of my second child I am starting to remember all of the little things about having a newborn that are so easy to forget. My brother posted on his Facebook page this morning that Jordan is eating like a monster and he thought he broke his thumb off while trying to change his clothes. I added to the post that once Jordan is running around like a maniac he will look back on these days and miss them terribly. My brother begs to differ on that one.
I remember when I first had Loreli the world felt like it changed forever. I was in a state of euphoria and yet a tornado of emotions. As we were being discharged from the hospital, the pediatrician told me he would like to see Loreli poop on average 5-6 times a day to completely rid any jaundice. We arrived home that night around 9 pm and we were all exhausted. My mom was staying the night to help us get adjusted and sleep.
In the first 24 hours of being home my child did not poop even once. There was a state of pure panic that rushed over me, as if this were life threatening to my child. We desperately attempted to get a hold of the pediatrician and after nearly 36 hours of no poop, the doctors office finally got back to us. "It's ok if she doesn't poop for up to a week at first, we just like to see them poop as much as possible. She is fine." With those reassuring words the Poop Scare of 2009 ended.
It doesn't matter if you have a P.H.D. or never finished high school, a newborn baby can stump and push anyone to their limits. You can prepare by going to the birthing and child classes, reading books and watching all of the television shows about bringing home a baby but there is absolutely nothing that can fully prepare you. Countless hours of trying to nurse or taking turns bottle feeding, what seems like a billion diaper changes in one day and keeping the baby clean and warm all may seem like no-brain tasks, but add a complete lack of sleep or energy and a surge of raging hormones to the mix and these simple tasks quickly turn into monumental events. Sleep deprivation most definitely will take a person to a different level of being.
When all is said and done, weeks go by and you settle into a routine. You know what each cry means and you begin to feel like you've got the parenting thing down. Then the weeks turn into months and before you know it a year has gone by. Your cute little newborn baby has grown into a beautiful and curious toddler who is constantly full of energy. The nights of snuggling with that whole baby's body on your chest are gone. The hours of holding her close and simply staring are but a dream.
I am sure that life with a newborn and a toddler will prove to have many funny and trying moments. I look forward to being further educated by my children on the craziness of life. Only a few more days...
As each passing of a day brings me that much closer to the delivery of my second child I am starting to remember all of the little things about having a newborn that are so easy to forget. My brother posted on his Facebook page this morning that Jordan is eating like a monster and he thought he broke his thumb off while trying to change his clothes. I added to the post that once Jordan is running around like a maniac he will look back on these days and miss them terribly. My brother begs to differ on that one.
I remember when I first had Loreli the world felt like it changed forever. I was in a state of euphoria and yet a tornado of emotions. As we were being discharged from the hospital, the pediatrician told me he would like to see Loreli poop on average 5-6 times a day to completely rid any jaundice. We arrived home that night around 9 pm and we were all exhausted. My mom was staying the night to help us get adjusted and sleep.
In the first 24 hours of being home my child did not poop even once. There was a state of pure panic that rushed over me, as if this were life threatening to my child. We desperately attempted to get a hold of the pediatrician and after nearly 36 hours of no poop, the doctors office finally got back to us. "It's ok if she doesn't poop for up to a week at first, we just like to see them poop as much as possible. She is fine." With those reassuring words the Poop Scare of 2009 ended.
It doesn't matter if you have a P.H.D. or never finished high school, a newborn baby can stump and push anyone to their limits. You can prepare by going to the birthing and child classes, reading books and watching all of the television shows about bringing home a baby but there is absolutely nothing that can fully prepare you. Countless hours of trying to nurse or taking turns bottle feeding, what seems like a billion diaper changes in one day and keeping the baby clean and warm all may seem like no-brain tasks, but add a complete lack of sleep or energy and a surge of raging hormones to the mix and these simple tasks quickly turn into monumental events. Sleep deprivation most definitely will take a person to a different level of being.
When all is said and done, weeks go by and you settle into a routine. You know what each cry means and you begin to feel like you've got the parenting thing down. Then the weeks turn into months and before you know it a year has gone by. Your cute little newborn baby has grown into a beautiful and curious toddler who is constantly full of energy. The nights of snuggling with that whole baby's body on your chest are gone. The hours of holding her close and simply staring are but a dream.
I am sure that life with a newborn and a toddler will prove to have many funny and trying moments. I look forward to being further educated by my children on the craziness of life. Only a few more days...
Friday, February 18, 2011
Listen To Your Body
I went to the doctor this past Monday for a scheduled NST (non-stress test) to monitor Evalyn's heart rate. My blood pressure was high and there was protein showing in my urine. Evalyn's heart rate was fine, no reason for concern there. The high blood pressure and protein had me sent to the hospital for further blood work. To top it off I had a sinus infection.
After a few hours in the hospital everything came back fine and my blood pressure had gone down but the doctor gave me strict orders to rest as much as possible and stay off of my feet. He said that he wasn't putting me on bed rest but close to it and that I needed to find someone to take care of Loreli during the days. This bummed me out because I absolutely love my time with Loreli while James is at work... especially when we cuddle for our naps. Thankfully both sets of parents were able to step up and trade days of taking care of our little toddler.
At first I found it very difficult to sit still. Having the house to myself for the first time in a long time made me want to clean and do all of the things I normally do but for once do it in silence! I was thankfully able to occupy myself with some crafts that I had wanted to do for the girls room but I still found it hard to be away from Loreli so much.
After a week of being sick and having time to myself, I was finally able to really relax today. I was feeling achy and a lot of pressure build up in my sinuses so I decided that today I most definitely needed to sit and do absolutely nothing. As I relaxed in my recliner with my favorite blanket and watched episodes of "A Baby Story," I looked down and saw my tummy rolling around. I ended up sitting there for close to an hour staring at my tummy and not paying attention to a thing around me.
As I watched the life inside me move from side to side and little feet bulge out against my skin, I took in the moment and really felt like I never wanted it to end. It took doctors orders and help from family to make me finally stop and soak in this pregnancy as a whole. I have been so busy trying to get the house clean and in order and taking care of Loreli every day that I really haven't had the chance to stop and appreciate this time with Evalyn. Any moment of quiet and rest in the last few weeks has been a chance to zonk out.
A friend of mine recently lost her baby nearly half way through her pregnancy and has been tortured with pain ever since. Here I was with life thriving inside me, healthy and almost ready to meet the world. Suddenly my physical pain was gone and all that I could feel throughout my entire body was love and happiness. Life with a toddler doesn't give you many chances to stop and smell the roses so today I am extremely thankful that I was given that chance. I've been so anxious to get this pregnancy over with and move on and now I don't want it to end!
After a few hours in the hospital everything came back fine and my blood pressure had gone down but the doctor gave me strict orders to rest as much as possible and stay off of my feet. He said that he wasn't putting me on bed rest but close to it and that I needed to find someone to take care of Loreli during the days. This bummed me out because I absolutely love my time with Loreli while James is at work... especially when we cuddle for our naps. Thankfully both sets of parents were able to step up and trade days of taking care of our little toddler.
At first I found it very difficult to sit still. Having the house to myself for the first time in a long time made me want to clean and do all of the things I normally do but for once do it in silence! I was thankfully able to occupy myself with some crafts that I had wanted to do for the girls room but I still found it hard to be away from Loreli so much.
After a week of being sick and having time to myself, I was finally able to really relax today. I was feeling achy and a lot of pressure build up in my sinuses so I decided that today I most definitely needed to sit and do absolutely nothing. As I relaxed in my recliner with my favorite blanket and watched episodes of "A Baby Story," I looked down and saw my tummy rolling around. I ended up sitting there for close to an hour staring at my tummy and not paying attention to a thing around me.
As I watched the life inside me move from side to side and little feet bulge out against my skin, I took in the moment and really felt like I never wanted it to end. It took doctors orders and help from family to make me finally stop and soak in this pregnancy as a whole. I have been so busy trying to get the house clean and in order and taking care of Loreli every day that I really haven't had the chance to stop and appreciate this time with Evalyn. Any moment of quiet and rest in the last few weeks has been a chance to zonk out.
A friend of mine recently lost her baby nearly half way through her pregnancy and has been tortured with pain ever since. Here I was with life thriving inside me, healthy and almost ready to meet the world. Suddenly my physical pain was gone and all that I could feel throughout my entire body was love and happiness. Life with a toddler doesn't give you many chances to stop and smell the roses so today I am extremely thankful that I was given that chance. I've been so anxious to get this pregnancy over with and move on and now I don't want it to end!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
My Name Is Corinne. I Am A Teen Mom Addict.
So I have a little secret. It's a little bit silly and probably a little obvious. My name is Corinne and I am addicted to MTV's show Teen Mom.
For me the initial draw into the 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom shows would be that I feel I can somehow relate. When watching 16 and Pregnant I imagine what it would have been like for me to continue my pregnancy at the age of 19. I also feel that I see so much of myself at that age and the relationship I was in. With the Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2 shows I find it interesting to watch how these young moms deal with motherhood and their lives in general. That being said I feel like I HAVE TO comment on tonight's episode of Teen Mom 2!!
First there is Janelle. This young lady is obviously a party girl. She openly admits to drinking and using marijuana, staying out whenever she wants for however long she wants and not having the tools mentally, physically or financially to raise her son. Her mother continually gives her a hard time and makes drama when it is not necessary. She complains to no end on how her daughter is a dead beat mother and is useless. HELLO?! Did you not raise this girl? Who do you have to blame but yourself?!
In tonight's episode Janelle buys her son a Powerwheels Four-Wheeler for his first birthday. Her mother completely bashes Janelle's efforts to think about and do something for her son by telling her she should return the present and buy a keepsake mug with her son's name on it. She continues her babble by adding that she never bought her children presents for Christmas or their birthdays when they were little because they wouldn't remember it. Are you serious lady!? What kind of selfish tight-wad doesn't buy their children presents for this occasion?! I can understand if finances were the issue and you were to do the best you could to make the event special... but to not do ANYTHING... because YOU don't WANT to?! Wow... just wow. Don't get me wrong, I am by no means standing up for Janelle because I agree that she is a crappy mother and a useless waste of space... but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how she became the way she is!
Now on to Chelsea. This girl is all sorts of Clueless and I seriously wonder if she has even one brain cell in that head or if the hair spray has completely done away with them all. The sad thing is that of all the girls on this season's cast, I feel like she reminds me the most of me at that age. This girl wears more make up in one day than I probably wear in a whole year (now that is). Chelsea's hair is constantly in a perfect up-do and dyed to perfection. She focuses most of her attention on her daughter and seems to be a very attentive mother but she has everything handed to her on a silver platter from her father.
Chelsea's only responsibility outside of caring for her daughter is to graduate high school and continue on to a higher education (it wasn't a surprise she chose beauty school), yet she allows the drama with her relationship and friendships to take over her life. This girl doesn't have a single bill to pay, she gets to play house everyday with her boyfriend and child and she still can't seem to find the time to study and do homework. Now Chelsea's boyfriend most definitely in every mental and verbal way is an exact replica of the guy I dated my senior year and the year after high school. He also doesn't have more than one brain cell. He manipulates the people around him like some sort of magician. He has done horrible things to Chelsea and still she takes him back time after time, allowing her family and friends to become zero on her list of priorities or cares. Is this chick ever going to wake up or does someone need to seriously slap the crap out of her?! HE IS A LOSER. HE WILL ALWAYS BE A LOSER. MOVE ON!!! When your father doesn't want to be in the house when he is there and your best friend moves out and stops talking to you... whether you actually physically did something or not... TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT IS AROUND YOU!
On this season of Teen Mom 2 there are two other mothers also being followed. For now I will keep my thoughts on Leah and Kailyn for another blog. I feel I've said my peace. Good night world!
For me the initial draw into the 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom shows would be that I feel I can somehow relate. When watching 16 and Pregnant I imagine what it would have been like for me to continue my pregnancy at the age of 19. I also feel that I see so much of myself at that age and the relationship I was in. With the Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2 shows I find it interesting to watch how these young moms deal with motherhood and their lives in general. That being said I feel like I HAVE TO comment on tonight's episode of Teen Mom 2!!
First there is Janelle. This young lady is obviously a party girl. She openly admits to drinking and using marijuana, staying out whenever she wants for however long she wants and not having the tools mentally, physically or financially to raise her son. Her mother continually gives her a hard time and makes drama when it is not necessary. She complains to no end on how her daughter is a dead beat mother and is useless. HELLO?! Did you not raise this girl? Who do you have to blame but yourself?!
In tonight's episode Janelle buys her son a Powerwheels Four-Wheeler for his first birthday. Her mother completely bashes Janelle's efforts to think about and do something for her son by telling her she should return the present and buy a keepsake mug with her son's name on it. She continues her babble by adding that she never bought her children presents for Christmas or their birthdays when they were little because they wouldn't remember it. Are you serious lady!? What kind of selfish tight-wad doesn't buy their children presents for this occasion?! I can understand if finances were the issue and you were to do the best you could to make the event special... but to not do ANYTHING... because YOU don't WANT to?! Wow... just wow. Don't get me wrong, I am by no means standing up for Janelle because I agree that she is a crappy mother and a useless waste of space... but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how she became the way she is!
Now on to Chelsea. This girl is all sorts of Clueless and I seriously wonder if she has even one brain cell in that head or if the hair spray has completely done away with them all. The sad thing is that of all the girls on this season's cast, I feel like she reminds me the most of me at that age. This girl wears more make up in one day than I probably wear in a whole year (now that is). Chelsea's hair is constantly in a perfect up-do and dyed to perfection. She focuses most of her attention on her daughter and seems to be a very attentive mother but she has everything handed to her on a silver platter from her father.
Chelsea's only responsibility outside of caring for her daughter is to graduate high school and continue on to a higher education (it wasn't a surprise she chose beauty school), yet she allows the drama with her relationship and friendships to take over her life. This girl doesn't have a single bill to pay, she gets to play house everyday with her boyfriend and child and she still can't seem to find the time to study and do homework. Now Chelsea's boyfriend most definitely in every mental and verbal way is an exact replica of the guy I dated my senior year and the year after high school. He also doesn't have more than one brain cell. He manipulates the people around him like some sort of magician. He has done horrible things to Chelsea and still she takes him back time after time, allowing her family and friends to become zero on her list of priorities or cares. Is this chick ever going to wake up or does someone need to seriously slap the crap out of her?! HE IS A LOSER. HE WILL ALWAYS BE A LOSER. MOVE ON!!! When your father doesn't want to be in the house when he is there and your best friend moves out and stops talking to you... whether you actually physically did something or not... TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT IS AROUND YOU!
On this season of Teen Mom 2 there are two other mothers also being followed. For now I will keep my thoughts on Leah and Kailyn for another blog. I feel I've said my peace. Good night world!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Not Every Day Is About Dancing And Giggles
Today's Facebook Update: Today has proven it will be a challenge. Let's see how I do.
Boy, calling today a challenge was an understatement. I am pretty sure what happened was I had a mental breakdown! Last night started out as any other, I fell asleep in my recliner while my husband fell asleep on the couch as we watched the X-Files on Netflix. I got up and went to bed, leaving James to rest on the couch. I usually can sleep 2-3 hours before I wake up to go to the bathroom for the first time. Once I get up and do my business I can usually zonk right back out. Sometimes I may require a few different positions with the pillows and what not. Not last night.
I slept for an hour and woke up feeling like I couldn't breathe. I went to the bathroom and back to bed, attempting my usual routine of trying to get comfortable but nothing seemed to do the trick. Evalyn's foot was high up in a rib and she was kicking with all of her force. After a night of attempting many different maneuvers and positions to move my little one around, I finally fell back to sleep around 6:30 a.m. ... only to wake up at 7:30 a.m. and realize that I had to get up for the day. My first thoughts were that I really hoped Loreli was in a good mood so the day would go by easily. Not today.
Loreli woke up at almost exactly 8:00 a.m. crabby as ever. I figured I would attempt to eat breakfast quickly before James strolled off to work but as half our dishes were dirty there was not one clean bowl or spoon to be found (James painted the nursery the day before and the fumes had seeped into the kitchen so I stayed clear of both rooms until this morning). As James showered, got the garbage out and got collected for his day of work I spent the first 45 minutes of my morning hovered over the sink (feeling like my back was going to break) doing dishes and trying to get my one year old to eat something. Loreli wasn't in the mood to eat anything... except of course a chocolate cookie. James left before the dishes were done but he was able to wash Miss Cookie Face off for me before heading out the door.
Almost two hours into my day and I had a ragging headache, my body was sore all over, I had finally cleaned up the entire kitchen (all of the nursery stuff which had been piled into the kitchen) and my daughter had successfully eaten A cookie... but I was still starving! I finally sat down to enjoy a bowl of Wheaties, juice and my pre-natal vitamin. Of course I had to shove them down my throat as fast as possible so that the former Miss Cookie Face now Miss Trouble Maker could have my undivided attention. USUALLY when I turn on her favorite Baby Einstein DVD she will sit for at least a good half hour. Not today.
The doctor advised me yesterday to drink more water so I guzzled down 2 1/2 bottles of water by noon. Of course that means that I also went to the bathroom about a million times. Each and every time I went to the bathroom Miss Trouble Maker decided to climb the barricade I created and mess with the remotes and telephone. By noon she had done this numerous times on top of climbing her Cozy Coupe (which I repeatedly told her not to)and falling over with it on top of her, lifting the vents in the floor (which I repeatedly told her not to) and throwing toys into the hole, and a list of other naughty acts.
I mentally checked out and for a brief time and became the parent I always said I would never be. I resorted to spanking... which had no effect. I resorted to screaming at the top of my lungs... which had no effect. In fact the first time I screamed, my daughter looked up at me with a blank look and continued on her way. The second time that I screamed she looked me in the eyes and laughed at me. This is when I began to cry... no, I began to sob. Why today?
Thoughts ran through my head that I never in a million years would have thought I of all people would think. I wished I wasn't a mom. I wished I never had children. I actually wished I could go to a job and have someone else raise my kid just so that I could get away. Part of me wanted to get my jacket on and walk out the door and leave her in the house alone. This was my official breakdown. James came home early from work shortly after. I cried to him and told him about the day and the thoughts that I had. I asked, "What kind of a mother thinks those things about her own child? What kind of parent screams like that at a one year old???" I told him that I felt like a failure. I don't bring in any money to the household and my one duty is to care for our daughter and I couldn't even handle that. My feelings of failure were causing me to become terrified of how I will possibly handle this with a newborn.
As I began to sob again my husband did exactly what I needed him to do in that moment. He put his arms around me and held me tight and explained to me, "The kind of mother who does that is the kind who hasn't had any sleep, who is 8 months pregnant and works too hard to keep up with herself. It's ok, it happens." James then gave me a kiss and all of my self doubt seemed to disappear.
Our one year old continued on her rampage for the day. As we went through the nursery sorting what had to go, what had to stay and where to put it, Loreli was determined to scream and moan and groan for nearly two hours straight. We tried everything from attempting to feed her all of her favorite foods (which she wanted nothing to do with... except A chocolate cookie), her diaper was changed, she didn't want to play... we didn't know what in the world to do. She wasn't showing the usual signs of teething, she hadn't eaten anything out of the ordinary in the last 24 hours that would create any sort of tummy ache... we went through the possibilities and were lost in finding an answer. After all of this screaming I was determined that she must have one hell of a headache by then and James gave her a tiny bit of Tylenol.
Shortly after receiving the Tylenol our little monster who was sitting in her Daddy's lap leaned over and fell right to sleep. Peace at last! Of course as soon as I had peace and quiet I wasn't able to fall asleep myself. I feel so incredibly guilty for how I treated my daughter today. My actions go against everything I stand for as a mother. There have been plenty of other times in which I was sleep deprived and not feeling good that I was able to calmly and rationally handle my daughters tantrums. It was rough, but I handled it. Today I most definitely flipped my lid.
As my daughter slept and I saw that devil child turn back into my sweet little angel, I thought to myself that every parent must have a moment at some point in their child's life in which they crack. This was certainly my first and more than likely in the next 20 years it won't be my last. I think that parenting is the hardest thing a person can do and I need to keep in mind that it is my 24/7 job.
My husband was understanding enough to excuse my behavior and come home and help out today but I can't let this happen again. I need to find a way to center myself, put my own physical discomforts aside and focus on why my child behaves the way that she does. More importantly I think that I cannot go into the arrival of my second child with any fear of failure in caring for two on my own because that is only setting myself up to do exactly that... fail. Today I reached my weakest point and I need to do my best to not look back.
Boy, calling today a challenge was an understatement. I am pretty sure what happened was I had a mental breakdown! Last night started out as any other, I fell asleep in my recliner while my husband fell asleep on the couch as we watched the X-Files on Netflix. I got up and went to bed, leaving James to rest on the couch. I usually can sleep 2-3 hours before I wake up to go to the bathroom for the first time. Once I get up and do my business I can usually zonk right back out. Sometimes I may require a few different positions with the pillows and what not. Not last night.
I slept for an hour and woke up feeling like I couldn't breathe. I went to the bathroom and back to bed, attempting my usual routine of trying to get comfortable but nothing seemed to do the trick. Evalyn's foot was high up in a rib and she was kicking with all of her force. After a night of attempting many different maneuvers and positions to move my little one around, I finally fell back to sleep around 6:30 a.m. ... only to wake up at 7:30 a.m. and realize that I had to get up for the day. My first thoughts were that I really hoped Loreli was in a good mood so the day would go by easily. Not today.
Loreli woke up at almost exactly 8:00 a.m. crabby as ever. I figured I would attempt to eat breakfast quickly before James strolled off to work but as half our dishes were dirty there was not one clean bowl or spoon to be found (James painted the nursery the day before and the fumes had seeped into the kitchen so I stayed clear of both rooms until this morning). As James showered, got the garbage out and got collected for his day of work I spent the first 45 minutes of my morning hovered over the sink (feeling like my back was going to break) doing dishes and trying to get my one year old to eat something. Loreli wasn't in the mood to eat anything... except of course a chocolate cookie. James left before the dishes were done but he was able to wash Miss Cookie Face off for me before heading out the door.
Almost two hours into my day and I had a ragging headache, my body was sore all over, I had finally cleaned up the entire kitchen (all of the nursery stuff which had been piled into the kitchen) and my daughter had successfully eaten A cookie... but I was still starving! I finally sat down to enjoy a bowl of Wheaties, juice and my pre-natal vitamin. Of course I had to shove them down my throat as fast as possible so that the former Miss Cookie Face now Miss Trouble Maker could have my undivided attention. USUALLY when I turn on her favorite Baby Einstein DVD she will sit for at least a good half hour. Not today.
The doctor advised me yesterday to drink more water so I guzzled down 2 1/2 bottles of water by noon. Of course that means that I also went to the bathroom about a million times. Each and every time I went to the bathroom Miss Trouble Maker decided to climb the barricade I created and mess with the remotes and telephone. By noon she had done this numerous times on top of climbing her Cozy Coupe (which I repeatedly told her not to)and falling over with it on top of her, lifting the vents in the floor (which I repeatedly told her not to) and throwing toys into the hole, and a list of other naughty acts.
I mentally checked out and for a brief time and became the parent I always said I would never be. I resorted to spanking... which had no effect. I resorted to screaming at the top of my lungs... which had no effect. In fact the first time I screamed, my daughter looked up at me with a blank look and continued on her way. The second time that I screamed she looked me in the eyes and laughed at me. This is when I began to cry... no, I began to sob. Why today?
Thoughts ran through my head that I never in a million years would have thought I of all people would think. I wished I wasn't a mom. I wished I never had children. I actually wished I could go to a job and have someone else raise my kid just so that I could get away. Part of me wanted to get my jacket on and walk out the door and leave her in the house alone. This was my official breakdown. James came home early from work shortly after. I cried to him and told him about the day and the thoughts that I had. I asked, "What kind of a mother thinks those things about her own child? What kind of parent screams like that at a one year old???" I told him that I felt like a failure. I don't bring in any money to the household and my one duty is to care for our daughter and I couldn't even handle that. My feelings of failure were causing me to become terrified of how I will possibly handle this with a newborn.
As I began to sob again my husband did exactly what I needed him to do in that moment. He put his arms around me and held me tight and explained to me, "The kind of mother who does that is the kind who hasn't had any sleep, who is 8 months pregnant and works too hard to keep up with herself. It's ok, it happens." James then gave me a kiss and all of my self doubt seemed to disappear.
Our one year old continued on her rampage for the day. As we went through the nursery sorting what had to go, what had to stay and where to put it, Loreli was determined to scream and moan and groan for nearly two hours straight. We tried everything from attempting to feed her all of her favorite foods (which she wanted nothing to do with... except A chocolate cookie), her diaper was changed, she didn't want to play... we didn't know what in the world to do. She wasn't showing the usual signs of teething, she hadn't eaten anything out of the ordinary in the last 24 hours that would create any sort of tummy ache... we went through the possibilities and were lost in finding an answer. After all of this screaming I was determined that she must have one hell of a headache by then and James gave her a tiny bit of Tylenol.
Shortly after receiving the Tylenol our little monster who was sitting in her Daddy's lap leaned over and fell right to sleep. Peace at last! Of course as soon as I had peace and quiet I wasn't able to fall asleep myself. I feel so incredibly guilty for how I treated my daughter today. My actions go against everything I stand for as a mother. There have been plenty of other times in which I was sleep deprived and not feeling good that I was able to calmly and rationally handle my daughters tantrums. It was rough, but I handled it. Today I most definitely flipped my lid.
As my daughter slept and I saw that devil child turn back into my sweet little angel, I thought to myself that every parent must have a moment at some point in their child's life in which they crack. This was certainly my first and more than likely in the next 20 years it won't be my last. I think that parenting is the hardest thing a person can do and I need to keep in mind that it is my 24/7 job.
My husband was understanding enough to excuse my behavior and come home and help out today but I can't let this happen again. I need to find a way to center myself, put my own physical discomforts aside and focus on why my child behaves the way that she does. More importantly I think that I cannot go into the arrival of my second child with any fear of failure in caring for two on my own because that is only setting myself up to do exactly that... fail. Today I reached my weakest point and I need to do my best to not look back.
Friday, February 4, 2011
How Motherhood Has REALLY Changed My Life
*Ok I lied before... here goes another long one!*
Hello World,
As I mentioned in my last blog entry I am expecting my second daughter who is due now in 31 days! During this entire pregnancy I have felt an array of emotions. So many emotions have been felt that I don't know where to begin on the subject.
When I stated in my last blog that if I had been told at the age of 20 that four years later I would be married with children I would have thought it crazy, that wasn't an understatement. My roughest year of growing up was the year I was 19. As 2005 began I was living at home with my parents working two full-time jobs. My on-again off-again boyfriend who was a year younger than I was and still in high school was living with us. We fought often and towards the end of January had split up yet again.
The relationship was not one to be proud of but taught me an extreme amount of life lessons. In over two years of being together (at that point it had been a year) he constantly lied to me and about me, cheated on me with not only girls years younger but also my friends and stole money from me on a regular basis. Looking back on the situation I can only sum up the explanation of being "young and dumb" as to why I repeatedly took him back. I think now that it was the want to over come his rejection, a refusal to believe it that kept him in my life.
February of 2005 went by quite fast. I started hanging out with a lot of my friends I had previously abandoned and got back into the swing of being a regular teenage girl again. I signed up for college and was to begin classes at Buffalo State College in the fall. Suddenly an event no one could have predicted changed not only my world but the world of nearly everyone in the little town I lived in. The guy I had dated previous to this last relationship passed away from a drug overdose.
Al had just returned home from boot camp and was eagerly looking forward to his future in the military. In the few years that I had known him he had always had a problem with substance abuse, in fact it had been the main reason our relationship ended 9 months in. We had our own battles in our senior year of high school but he had always been that first boy I really sincerely thought I loved. Al's body was the first I had ever seen to lay in a coffin. To this day the images of that week are as clear as yesterday.
The tragedy our town faced brought my ex boyfriend right back into my life. A week after the funeral which was also a week before my 19th birthday I found out that I was pregnant. I had never been more terrified and depressed in my entire life. The reality of my situation in my relationship finally hit me and I knew there was no way that I wanted to be tied to such a negative person for the rest of my life. I was terrified to tell my parents and I didn't want anyone except my best friend to know.
As the days went by my mother guessed my secret. She and I have been close my entire life so I knew there wasn't a chance in hell I would be able to keep this from her for long. My boyfriend was just as terrified as I was. He was in his senior year of high school and set to go to D'Youville in the fall. Right from the beginning he insisted on abortion. This was an option I had always been open to as a choice for women but never thought that I myself would be able to do it.
I began to do as much research as I could. In my heart I felt that adoption would be the best route for everyone in the situation. My mother, who had me young stood by me and supported me every step of the way. My boyfriend left me yet again... this time for a 14 year old. He started telling everyone in town that I was pregnant and that the baby wasn't his, spreading rumors that I was promiscuous. Weakness overcame me and at 9 1/2 weeks pregnant on April 9th 2005, I aborted my first child.
The clinic was filled with teenage men and women. There was no counseling done, no chance to see the ultrasound or heartbeat. In and out in just a few hours and I had taken a life which never asked to be created in the first place. This was yet another day in 2005 that haunts me still as if it were yesterday.
For me 2005 continued with more hurdles that were difficult to overcome. As depression set heavy into my mind I began to make careless decisions. I went off to college and explored different avenues of "dealing" with my pain. I felt lost in the world and found myself yet again in another relationship which I allowed to steer the direction of my life. The next two years were up and down for me, filled with many life lessons.
In 2008 I found my soul mate. When James walked into my life he changed everything for me. I still struggled with depression and the haunting of my past but I was finally able to see a bright future ahead. As I stated in my previous blog we moved quickly and literally the day after our one year anniversary we found out that we were expecting our first child. This time I was still terrified of what was ahead but I knew in my heart that this was the right thing to happen, that James would be a wonderful father and that this baby was going to change my life.
I had a difficult pregnancy with Loreli not because of complications but because I could no longer take my depression medication. I felt completely out of control when it came to my emotions. I was terrified of the fact that I had no idea what type of mother I would be. I struggled with the guilt of enjoying the pregnancy at all knowing what I had done a few years earlier. All of my anxiety and built up feelings caused me to lash out and there was plenty of drama with my in-laws as a result. Looking back on things I know that things I said and did were wrong and if I were asked today why I felt the way I did then, I wouldn't be able to give an answer. I certainly didn't make things easy on anyone at the time as I refused to admit the true cause of my emotional state to anyone but James.
Things eventually calmed down with my in-laws and as the day of Loreli's arrival came closer we all became more and more anxious. My due date was January 6th, 2010 and I had been worried throughout my pregnancy that I would end up having a Christmas baby. I wanted my daughter to have a day all her own. Christmas day came and we spent it with James' family. I was nervous because I was starting to dilate and wanted to be able to celebrate Christmas with my parents. The day after Christmas came and went as we opened gifts and ate yummy food with my mom and dad and then that night the contractions began.
Hours later at the hospital we were finally given the confirmation that I was in labor. This was it, no turning back. I was still completely terrified of becoming a mother and the reality that it was actually happening right then and there caused me to go on an adrenaline high. James will vouch that to this day there was another person in that delivery room, something overcame me with a strength and determination that I've never had.
I was 15 hours into labor and the contractions were coming with full force but I wasn't dilating. Pitocin given to me through my IV was intensifying the pain and so I finally asked for an epidural. The relief was wonderful and I was able to enjoy the company of visitors. As time went on the epidural began to fade and it was finally time to push. My husband and mother were right beside me but something in me wanted my mother in law there also. My husband called his mother and she arrived in the delivery room just in time for my pushing.
Two hours later Loreli came into the world from head to toe in one single push. I had ripped pretty badly and stitching took about an hour. As I had felt everything in the last hours of delivery, I felt every single stitch being made. My mother held my left hand while my mother in law held my right hand and my husband held our daughter for the first time. It was an incredible night of bonding and support between my husband and I and our mothers. When I was finally done being stitched, my mother handed Loreli to me. I was swollen from head to toe, broken out in a rash, exhausted, sweaty and in so much pain... but that was the best, most incredible moment of my entire life.
From the moment I saw my daughters beautiful face and held her tiny little body in my arms, I was changed forever. From that day on I haven't had an ounce of depression or need for medication. Loreli is now just over 13 months old and we have still encountered our share of life struggles in the last year, but with her birth I found my strength. I can now handle obstacles head on with pure courage. My husband and I are a team, a unit which cannot be broken.
When we found out that we were expecting another child, we were both shocked. We knew that once Loreli was a year old we wanted to start trying for another baby, so by all means Evalyn has always been wanted. Just as with everything else about our relationship, my husband and I plan for things and they happen much sooner than expected. We have learned to accept that life just can't be planned out.
With this pregnancy I wanted to savor and cherish every possible moment. When I was pregnant with Loreli there were more downs than ups. Now that I am confident in my abilities as a mother and I know more of what to expect, I have been able to enjoy more with this pregnancy. In the beginning I still had moments of guilt. I felt that it was selfish of me to enjoy being pregnant and celebrating the creation of another life when I so foolishly took that chance away from another years ago. Somehow I have found a peace and forgiveness for my past decisions. I still feel sadness and mourning for the life I let go but I know that if I had not made that decision, I wouldn't be where I am today. I never would have met my soul mate, my wonderful daughter Loreli wouldn't be in the world, and I wouldn't have this bundle of love moving around my belly right now.
My life could have gone down so many different paths. I am grateful every single day for the life that I have as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an in-law, and a friend. I wouldn't change one thing right now and I am so incredibly excited for Evalyn to arrive.
Hello World,
As I mentioned in my last blog entry I am expecting my second daughter who is due now in 31 days! During this entire pregnancy I have felt an array of emotions. So many emotions have been felt that I don't know where to begin on the subject.
When I stated in my last blog that if I had been told at the age of 20 that four years later I would be married with children I would have thought it crazy, that wasn't an understatement. My roughest year of growing up was the year I was 19. As 2005 began I was living at home with my parents working two full-time jobs. My on-again off-again boyfriend who was a year younger than I was and still in high school was living with us. We fought often and towards the end of January had split up yet again.
The relationship was not one to be proud of but taught me an extreme amount of life lessons. In over two years of being together (at that point it had been a year) he constantly lied to me and about me, cheated on me with not only girls years younger but also my friends and stole money from me on a regular basis. Looking back on the situation I can only sum up the explanation of being "young and dumb" as to why I repeatedly took him back. I think now that it was the want to over come his rejection, a refusal to believe it that kept him in my life.
February of 2005 went by quite fast. I started hanging out with a lot of my friends I had previously abandoned and got back into the swing of being a regular teenage girl again. I signed up for college and was to begin classes at Buffalo State College in the fall. Suddenly an event no one could have predicted changed not only my world but the world of nearly everyone in the little town I lived in. The guy I had dated previous to this last relationship passed away from a drug overdose.
Al had just returned home from boot camp and was eagerly looking forward to his future in the military. In the few years that I had known him he had always had a problem with substance abuse, in fact it had been the main reason our relationship ended 9 months in. We had our own battles in our senior year of high school but he had always been that first boy I really sincerely thought I loved. Al's body was the first I had ever seen to lay in a coffin. To this day the images of that week are as clear as yesterday.
The tragedy our town faced brought my ex boyfriend right back into my life. A week after the funeral which was also a week before my 19th birthday I found out that I was pregnant. I had never been more terrified and depressed in my entire life. The reality of my situation in my relationship finally hit me and I knew there was no way that I wanted to be tied to such a negative person for the rest of my life. I was terrified to tell my parents and I didn't want anyone except my best friend to know.
As the days went by my mother guessed my secret. She and I have been close my entire life so I knew there wasn't a chance in hell I would be able to keep this from her for long. My boyfriend was just as terrified as I was. He was in his senior year of high school and set to go to D'Youville in the fall. Right from the beginning he insisted on abortion. This was an option I had always been open to as a choice for women but never thought that I myself would be able to do it.
I began to do as much research as I could. In my heart I felt that adoption would be the best route for everyone in the situation. My mother, who had me young stood by me and supported me every step of the way. My boyfriend left me yet again... this time for a 14 year old. He started telling everyone in town that I was pregnant and that the baby wasn't his, spreading rumors that I was promiscuous. Weakness overcame me and at 9 1/2 weeks pregnant on April 9th 2005, I aborted my first child.
The clinic was filled with teenage men and women. There was no counseling done, no chance to see the ultrasound or heartbeat. In and out in just a few hours and I had taken a life which never asked to be created in the first place. This was yet another day in 2005 that haunts me still as if it were yesterday.
For me 2005 continued with more hurdles that were difficult to overcome. As depression set heavy into my mind I began to make careless decisions. I went off to college and explored different avenues of "dealing" with my pain. I felt lost in the world and found myself yet again in another relationship which I allowed to steer the direction of my life. The next two years were up and down for me, filled with many life lessons.
In 2008 I found my soul mate. When James walked into my life he changed everything for me. I still struggled with depression and the haunting of my past but I was finally able to see a bright future ahead. As I stated in my previous blog we moved quickly and literally the day after our one year anniversary we found out that we were expecting our first child. This time I was still terrified of what was ahead but I knew in my heart that this was the right thing to happen, that James would be a wonderful father and that this baby was going to change my life.
I had a difficult pregnancy with Loreli not because of complications but because I could no longer take my depression medication. I felt completely out of control when it came to my emotions. I was terrified of the fact that I had no idea what type of mother I would be. I struggled with the guilt of enjoying the pregnancy at all knowing what I had done a few years earlier. All of my anxiety and built up feelings caused me to lash out and there was plenty of drama with my in-laws as a result. Looking back on things I know that things I said and did were wrong and if I were asked today why I felt the way I did then, I wouldn't be able to give an answer. I certainly didn't make things easy on anyone at the time as I refused to admit the true cause of my emotional state to anyone but James.
Things eventually calmed down with my in-laws and as the day of Loreli's arrival came closer we all became more and more anxious. My due date was January 6th, 2010 and I had been worried throughout my pregnancy that I would end up having a Christmas baby. I wanted my daughter to have a day all her own. Christmas day came and we spent it with James' family. I was nervous because I was starting to dilate and wanted to be able to celebrate Christmas with my parents. The day after Christmas came and went as we opened gifts and ate yummy food with my mom and dad and then that night the contractions began.
Hours later at the hospital we were finally given the confirmation that I was in labor. This was it, no turning back. I was still completely terrified of becoming a mother and the reality that it was actually happening right then and there caused me to go on an adrenaline high. James will vouch that to this day there was another person in that delivery room, something overcame me with a strength and determination that I've never had.
I was 15 hours into labor and the contractions were coming with full force but I wasn't dilating. Pitocin given to me through my IV was intensifying the pain and so I finally asked for an epidural. The relief was wonderful and I was able to enjoy the company of visitors. As time went on the epidural began to fade and it was finally time to push. My husband and mother were right beside me but something in me wanted my mother in law there also. My husband called his mother and she arrived in the delivery room just in time for my pushing.
Two hours later Loreli came into the world from head to toe in one single push. I had ripped pretty badly and stitching took about an hour. As I had felt everything in the last hours of delivery, I felt every single stitch being made. My mother held my left hand while my mother in law held my right hand and my husband held our daughter for the first time. It was an incredible night of bonding and support between my husband and I and our mothers. When I was finally done being stitched, my mother handed Loreli to me. I was swollen from head to toe, broken out in a rash, exhausted, sweaty and in so much pain... but that was the best, most incredible moment of my entire life.
From the moment I saw my daughters beautiful face and held her tiny little body in my arms, I was changed forever. From that day on I haven't had an ounce of depression or need for medication. Loreli is now just over 13 months old and we have still encountered our share of life struggles in the last year, but with her birth I found my strength. I can now handle obstacles head on with pure courage. My husband and I are a team, a unit which cannot be broken.
When we found out that we were expecting another child, we were both shocked. We knew that once Loreli was a year old we wanted to start trying for another baby, so by all means Evalyn has always been wanted. Just as with everything else about our relationship, my husband and I plan for things and they happen much sooner than expected. We have learned to accept that life just can't be planned out.
With this pregnancy I wanted to savor and cherish every possible moment. When I was pregnant with Loreli there were more downs than ups. Now that I am confident in my abilities as a mother and I know more of what to expect, I have been able to enjoy more with this pregnancy. In the beginning I still had moments of guilt. I felt that it was selfish of me to enjoy being pregnant and celebrating the creation of another life when I so foolishly took that chance away from another years ago. Somehow I have found a peace and forgiveness for my past decisions. I still feel sadness and mourning for the life I let go but I know that if I had not made that decision, I wouldn't be where I am today. I never would have met my soul mate, my wonderful daughter Loreli wouldn't be in the world, and I wouldn't have this bundle of love moving around my belly right now.
My life could have gone down so many different paths. I am grateful every single day for the life that I have as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an in-law, and a friend. I wouldn't change one thing right now and I am so incredibly excited for Evalyn to arrive.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
First Blog! Warning- Super Long!
*As this is my first blog and I dabbled into introducing *me*, it is extremely long. I don't foresee future blogs being so lengthy.* :)
Hello World,
I am going to use this blog as my new diary. Seeing how this is a website which is being made for public view, I won't get too detailed on some subjects and there may be parts of my life that I leave out but for the most part I would like to use this to get out my daily thoughts. I usually post "status updates" on Facebook but as a stay at home mother and wife there are far too many thoughts which run through my head on a daily basis and sadly my one year old is not yet into intellectual conversation.
The thought of a blog came to me today as I was cooking dinner (apple braised chicken from scratch, yum!), listening to classic rock on the radio and dancing in the kitchen with my daughter. Thinking that moment in time was so untouchable and timeless made me want to scream to the world how happy I was right then and there. There are so many positive and negative aspects to everyday life and so many thoughts to be discussed, why not start a blog?
So with my first entry I will talk a little about who I am and also about my day. I am a 24 year old woman who is very happily married and the mother of the most wonderful one year old girl, Loreli. I am currently expecting my second daughter, Evalyn who is due March 7th (32 days from today!). Currently I am not working and enjoying quality time with my family.
If someone had told me when I was 20 years old that in four years I would be married with children and be a very domesticated housewife/stay at home mom I would have laughed in their face! Growing up I was very independent and always felt that I had a strong purpose in life, that I was meant to be well known and make a huge impact on the world. I envied people in careers both creative (desert chef) and legal (lawyer) and dreamed of becoming a famous singer or actress. Whatever it was that I was going to "grow up to be," I knew it was going to something amazing.
I followed my heart instead of my brain as I ventured into the "real" world on my own. I allowed my romantic relationships to take over my life path and soon lost sight of my big dreams. At the age of 22 I found myself single, living in a small town where I knew hardly anyone and working at a full-time desk job that I did well at but was not in the least satisfied. I began thinking about where I wanted to go in life and making serious plans to get there. And then I met the man of my dreams. Ah yes, another romantic relationship to take hold of my path in life... but at this point I had sworn off changing my life goals for a man.
James and I moved quickly through our relationship. We bought a house after only dating for five months, we were engaged eight months into our relationship and found out we were pregnant with our first child the day after our one year anniversary. There is no doubt about it that this man swept me off of my feet and completely changed my life. When I fell in love, I knew it instantly. Suddenly the rest of the world did not exist and all that I wanted was to create a life with him. What I did to make money no longer defined who I was. I became his other half, his partner for life.
Becoming a mother undoubtedly completed my transformation from independent woman to domesticated housewife. I'm sure there will be more than a handful of times that I write about the effect motherhood has had on me but to sum it up quickly... the moment my daughter was placed into my arms for the first time was the moment my world changed. From then on I wanted to make our home beautiful and sanitary (every inch of it), create delicious and healthy meals to fill my loved ones bellies, and spend every possible moment with the two people I love the most.
And so here I sit... an extremely domesticated, obsessively clean, someones other half, baby wearing cloth diaper using housewife. My favorite parts of the day are giggling with my daughter, making brownies from scratch, eating dinner with my husband and that moment right before bed when I turn all of the lights off and get to admire the cleanliness and beauty of the house we have made a home.
Now on to my day...
This morning as I laid in bed I was so incredibly comfortable. I don't get very many moments like that being that I am eight months pregnant. I had just had one of the very rare nights of solid sleep and I absolutely did not want it to end. Then the lovely "rhinitis of pregnancy" kicked in as it does every single morning and I rushed to the bathroom as I gagged. Yep, eight months in and I still yak every morning. "Rhinitis of pregnancy" is a lovely pregnancy symptom in which the mucus in my nose has multiplied and my sinuses are swollen. Every morning as soon as I wake up I quickly hop into a hot shower and allow the steam to help me alleviate my gag reflex.
Feeling and smelling clean and ready for the day, it was quickly time for my husband to leave for work. I usually naturally wake up just in time to shower, get dressed and make the bed right before he heads out the door. My daughter Loreli was waiting with smiles and giggles, ready to start our day as usual. The morning and afternoon was like any other. I gave my daughter breakfast, washed the dishes in the sink, cleaned off the accumulation of objects from the table, thoroughly wiped down the high chair and swept the floor. After breakfast I put in a load of laundry, straightened up the living room and office and dusted while my daughter watched Baby Einstein (what I like to think of as baby crack) and played with her billions of toys.
As soon as I was done straightening the house and felt settled for the day it was time for lunch. Again I multi-tasked and as I fed my daughter chicken nuggets (two pieces at a time so she doesn't shove it all in her mouth, chew and then spit it out) I too managed to get down my own lunch. Another thorough wipe down of the high chair and sweeping of the kitchen floor and we were finally ready to play. Loreli and I played for a good two hours. I have been trying to teach her to count. She has yet to say the number one but knows that right after one comes two and three. I figure if I repeat the things I'm trying to teach her as much as possible then she will remember them. It gets a little repetitive and is not so entertaining to an adult but I think it's working.
Finally came one of the best parts of the day... nap time. While Loreli is still an only child I have been trying to soak up every single moment of our alone time as possible. I take every chance I can to snuggle close to her during nap time. I love to sit and admire her beauty and existence. Even at a year old I still can't believe she is my daughter, that she came from me. Sometimes I manage to snooze with her for a bit but today was not a day I was able to zonk out.
When Loreli woke up I treasured and locked away the moments of smiles and hugs I received. Loreli then got the rest of her lunch while I began cooking dinner. When she was finished eating (more like a little pre-dinner snack), she brought half her toys from the living room into the kitchen (because she can't ever be more than two feet away from me) and began playing. I made my favorite dish, apple braised chicken. We had eaten this a few times before when I was on the Weight Watchers diet but my husband had always made it, I hadn't ever ventured into attempting it myself.
Two hours later the apple braised chicken and green beans were done, Loreli had just eaten her dinner (mac and cheese and blueberry yogurt), and my husband walked through the door. After dinner I did the dishes and my usual after meal clean down of the kitchen. I then boiled cloth diaper inserts while my husband worked on fixing the cracks in the nursery door. My final task of the night was to start my second "nesting" project, which is to clean and reorganize the bathroom. Since we have to wait for our tax return to redo the nursery and really get ready for Evalyn's arrival, I have been making it a point to clean and organize every other room.
It's amazing what one can find in a drawer or cupboard after not looking in it for nearly three years. I found boxes of pads and tampons completely covered in dust (in two years I have only had one period since I've had back to back pregnancies), ovulation test strips and fertility vitamins (all of which were expired and thrown out... I don't think we need any more assistance with procreating!). On the plus side I was able to collect enough to have my shower bag ready for the hospital. As my body began screaming at me I gave the cleaning a rest for today.
And so that was my day today. It's pretty much how every day goes. To someone on the outside it may seem monotonous and dull but for me everyday is the best day of my life. I take complete pleasure in the simple and little things of life.
Hello World,
I am going to use this blog as my new diary. Seeing how this is a website which is being made for public view, I won't get too detailed on some subjects and there may be parts of my life that I leave out but for the most part I would like to use this to get out my daily thoughts. I usually post "status updates" on Facebook but as a stay at home mother and wife there are far too many thoughts which run through my head on a daily basis and sadly my one year old is not yet into intellectual conversation.
The thought of a blog came to me today as I was cooking dinner (apple braised chicken from scratch, yum!), listening to classic rock on the radio and dancing in the kitchen with my daughter. Thinking that moment in time was so untouchable and timeless made me want to scream to the world how happy I was right then and there. There are so many positive and negative aspects to everyday life and so many thoughts to be discussed, why not start a blog?
So with my first entry I will talk a little about who I am and also about my day. I am a 24 year old woman who is very happily married and the mother of the most wonderful one year old girl, Loreli. I am currently expecting my second daughter, Evalyn who is due March 7th (32 days from today!). Currently I am not working and enjoying quality time with my family.
If someone had told me when I was 20 years old that in four years I would be married with children and be a very domesticated housewife/stay at home mom I would have laughed in their face! Growing up I was very independent and always felt that I had a strong purpose in life, that I was meant to be well known and make a huge impact on the world. I envied people in careers both creative (desert chef) and legal (lawyer) and dreamed of becoming a famous singer or actress. Whatever it was that I was going to "grow up to be," I knew it was going to something amazing.
I followed my heart instead of my brain as I ventured into the "real" world on my own. I allowed my romantic relationships to take over my life path and soon lost sight of my big dreams. At the age of 22 I found myself single, living in a small town where I knew hardly anyone and working at a full-time desk job that I did well at but was not in the least satisfied. I began thinking about where I wanted to go in life and making serious plans to get there. And then I met the man of my dreams. Ah yes, another romantic relationship to take hold of my path in life... but at this point I had sworn off changing my life goals for a man.
James and I moved quickly through our relationship. We bought a house after only dating for five months, we were engaged eight months into our relationship and found out we were pregnant with our first child the day after our one year anniversary. There is no doubt about it that this man swept me off of my feet and completely changed my life. When I fell in love, I knew it instantly. Suddenly the rest of the world did not exist and all that I wanted was to create a life with him. What I did to make money no longer defined who I was. I became his other half, his partner for life.
Becoming a mother undoubtedly completed my transformation from independent woman to domesticated housewife. I'm sure there will be more than a handful of times that I write about the effect motherhood has had on me but to sum it up quickly... the moment my daughter was placed into my arms for the first time was the moment my world changed. From then on I wanted to make our home beautiful and sanitary (every inch of it), create delicious and healthy meals to fill my loved ones bellies, and spend every possible moment with the two people I love the most.
And so here I sit... an extremely domesticated, obsessively clean, someones other half, baby wearing cloth diaper using housewife. My favorite parts of the day are giggling with my daughter, making brownies from scratch, eating dinner with my husband and that moment right before bed when I turn all of the lights off and get to admire the cleanliness and beauty of the house we have made a home.
Now on to my day...
This morning as I laid in bed I was so incredibly comfortable. I don't get very many moments like that being that I am eight months pregnant. I had just had one of the very rare nights of solid sleep and I absolutely did not want it to end. Then the lovely "rhinitis of pregnancy" kicked in as it does every single morning and I rushed to the bathroom as I gagged. Yep, eight months in and I still yak every morning. "Rhinitis of pregnancy" is a lovely pregnancy symptom in which the mucus in my nose has multiplied and my sinuses are swollen. Every morning as soon as I wake up I quickly hop into a hot shower and allow the steam to help me alleviate my gag reflex.
Feeling and smelling clean and ready for the day, it was quickly time for my husband to leave for work. I usually naturally wake up just in time to shower, get dressed and make the bed right before he heads out the door. My daughter Loreli was waiting with smiles and giggles, ready to start our day as usual. The morning and afternoon was like any other. I gave my daughter breakfast, washed the dishes in the sink, cleaned off the accumulation of objects from the table, thoroughly wiped down the high chair and swept the floor. After breakfast I put in a load of laundry, straightened up the living room and office and dusted while my daughter watched Baby Einstein (what I like to think of as baby crack) and played with her billions of toys.
As soon as I was done straightening the house and felt settled for the day it was time for lunch. Again I multi-tasked and as I fed my daughter chicken nuggets (two pieces at a time so she doesn't shove it all in her mouth, chew and then spit it out) I too managed to get down my own lunch. Another thorough wipe down of the high chair and sweeping of the kitchen floor and we were finally ready to play. Loreli and I played for a good two hours. I have been trying to teach her to count. She has yet to say the number one but knows that right after one comes two and three. I figure if I repeat the things I'm trying to teach her as much as possible then she will remember them. It gets a little repetitive and is not so entertaining to an adult but I think it's working.
Finally came one of the best parts of the day... nap time. While Loreli is still an only child I have been trying to soak up every single moment of our alone time as possible. I take every chance I can to snuggle close to her during nap time. I love to sit and admire her beauty and existence. Even at a year old I still can't believe she is my daughter, that she came from me. Sometimes I manage to snooze with her for a bit but today was not a day I was able to zonk out.
When Loreli woke up I treasured and locked away the moments of smiles and hugs I received. Loreli then got the rest of her lunch while I began cooking dinner. When she was finished eating (more like a little pre-dinner snack), she brought half her toys from the living room into the kitchen (because she can't ever be more than two feet away from me) and began playing. I made my favorite dish, apple braised chicken. We had eaten this a few times before when I was on the Weight Watchers diet but my husband had always made it, I hadn't ever ventured into attempting it myself.
Two hours later the apple braised chicken and green beans were done, Loreli had just eaten her dinner (mac and cheese and blueberry yogurt), and my husband walked through the door. After dinner I did the dishes and my usual after meal clean down of the kitchen. I then boiled cloth diaper inserts while my husband worked on fixing the cracks in the nursery door. My final task of the night was to start my second "nesting" project, which is to clean and reorganize the bathroom. Since we have to wait for our tax return to redo the nursery and really get ready for Evalyn's arrival, I have been making it a point to clean and organize every other room.
It's amazing what one can find in a drawer or cupboard after not looking in it for nearly three years. I found boxes of pads and tampons completely covered in dust (in two years I have only had one period since I've had back to back pregnancies), ovulation test strips and fertility vitamins (all of which were expired and thrown out... I don't think we need any more assistance with procreating!). On the plus side I was able to collect enough to have my shower bag ready for the hospital. As my body began screaming at me I gave the cleaning a rest for today.
And so that was my day today. It's pretty much how every day goes. To someone on the outside it may seem monotonous and dull but for me everyday is the best day of my life. I take complete pleasure in the simple and little things of life.
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