How Motherhood Has REALLY Changed My Life

*Ok I lied before... here goes another long one!*
Hello World,
As I mentioned in my last blog entry I am expecting my second daughter who is due now in 31 days! During this entire pregnancy I have felt an array of emotions. So many emotions have been felt that I don't know where to begin on the subject.

When I stated in my last blog that if I had been told at the age of 20 that four years later I would be married with children I would have thought it crazy, that wasn't an understatement. My roughest year of growing up was the year I was 19. As 2005 began I was living at home with my parents working two full-time jobs. My on-again off-again boyfriend who was a year younger than I was and still in high school was living with us. We fought often and towards the end of January had split up yet again.

The relationship was not one to be proud of but taught me an extreme amount of life lessons. In over two years of being together (at that point it had been a year) he constantly lied to me and about me, cheated on me with not only girls years younger but also my friends and stole money from me on a regular basis. Looking back on the situation I can only sum up the explanation of being "young and dumb" as to why I repeatedly took him back. I think now that it was the want to over come his rejection, a refusal to believe it that kept him in my life.

February of 2005 went by quite fast. I started hanging out with a lot of my friends I had previously abandoned and got back into the swing of being a regular teenage girl again. I signed up for college and was to begin classes at Buffalo State College in the fall. Suddenly an event no one could have predicted changed not only my world but the world of nearly everyone in the little town I lived in. The guy I had dated previous to this last relationship passed away from a drug overdose.

Al had just returned home from boot camp and was eagerly looking forward to his future in the military. In the few years that I had known him he had always had a problem with substance abuse, in fact it had been the main reason our relationship ended 9 months in. We had our own battles in our senior year of high school but he had always been that first boy I really sincerely thought I loved. Al's body was the first I had ever seen to lay in a coffin. To this day the images of that week are as clear as yesterday.

The tragedy our town faced brought my ex boyfriend right back into my life. A week after the funeral which was also a week before my 19th birthday I found out that I was pregnant. I had never been more terrified and depressed in my entire life. The reality of my situation in my relationship finally hit me and I knew there was no way that I wanted to be tied to such a negative person for the rest of my life. I was terrified to tell my parents and I didn't want anyone except my best friend to know.

As the days went by my mother guessed my secret. She and I have been close my entire life so I knew there wasn't a chance in hell I would be able to keep this from her for long. My boyfriend was just as terrified as I was. He was in his senior year of high school and set to go to D'Youville in the fall. Right from the beginning he insisted on abortion. This was an option I had always been open to as a choice for women but never thought that I myself would be able to do it.

I began to do as much research as I could. In my heart I felt that adoption would be the best route for everyone in the situation. My mother, who had me young stood by me and supported me every step of the way. My boyfriend left me yet again... this time for a 14 year old. He started telling everyone in town that I was pregnant and that the baby wasn't his, spreading rumors that I was promiscuous. Weakness overcame me and at 9 1/2 weeks pregnant on April 9th 2005, I aborted my first child.

The clinic was filled with teenage men and women. There was no counseling done, no chance to see the ultrasound or heartbeat. In and out in just a few hours and I had taken a life which never asked to be created in the first place. This was yet another day in 2005 that haunts me still as if it were yesterday.

For me 2005 continued with more hurdles that were difficult to overcome. As depression set heavy into my mind I began to make careless decisions. I went off to college and explored different avenues of "dealing" with my pain. I felt lost in the world and found myself yet again in another relationship which I allowed to steer the direction of my life. The next two years were up and down for me, filled with many life lessons.

In 2008 I found my soul mate. When James walked into my life he changed everything for me. I still struggled with depression and the haunting of my past but I was finally able to see a bright future ahead. As I stated in my previous blog we moved quickly and literally the day after our one year anniversary we found out that we were expecting our first child. This time I was still terrified of what was ahead but I knew in my heart that this was the right thing to happen, that James would be a wonderful father and that this baby was going to change my life.

I had a difficult pregnancy with Loreli not because of complications but because I could no longer take my depression medication. I felt completely out of control when it came to my emotions. I was terrified of the fact that I had no idea what type of mother I would be. I struggled with the guilt of enjoying the pregnancy at all knowing what I had done a few years earlier. All of my anxiety and built up feelings caused me to lash out and there was plenty of drama with my in-laws as a result. Looking back on things I know that things I said and did were wrong and if I were asked today why I felt the way I did then, I wouldn't be able to give an answer. I certainly didn't make things easy on anyone at the time as I refused to admit the true cause of my emotional state to anyone but James.

Things eventually calmed down with my in-laws and as the day of Loreli's arrival came closer we all became more and more anxious. My due date was January 6th, 2010 and I had been worried throughout my pregnancy that I would end up having a Christmas baby. I wanted my daughter to have a day all her own. Christmas day came and we spent it with James' family. I was nervous because I was starting to dilate and wanted to be able to celebrate Christmas with my parents. The day after Christmas came and went as we opened gifts and ate yummy food with my mom and dad and then that night the contractions began.

Hours later at the hospital we were finally given the confirmation that I was in labor. This was it, no turning back. I was still completely terrified of becoming a mother and the reality that it was actually happening right then and there caused me to go on an adrenaline high. James will vouch that to this day there was another person in that delivery room, something overcame me with a strength and determination that I've never had.

I was 15 hours into labor and the contractions were coming with full force but I wasn't dilating. Pitocin given to me through my IV was intensifying the pain and so I finally asked for an epidural. The relief was wonderful and I was able to enjoy the company of visitors. As time went on the epidural began to fade and it was finally time to push. My husband and mother were right beside me but something in me wanted my mother in law there also. My husband called his mother and she arrived in the delivery room just in time for my pushing.

Two hours later Loreli came into the world from head to toe in one single push. I had ripped pretty badly and stitching took about an hour. As I had felt everything in the last hours of delivery, I felt every single stitch being made. My mother held my left hand while my mother in law held my right hand and my husband held our daughter for the first time. It was an incredible night of bonding and support between my husband and I and our mothers. When I was finally done being stitched, my mother handed Loreli to me. I was swollen from head to toe, broken out in a rash, exhausted, sweaty and in so much pain... but that was the best, most incredible moment of my entire life.

From the moment I saw my daughters beautiful face and held her tiny little body in my arms, I was changed forever. From that day on I haven't had an ounce of depression or need for medication. Loreli is now just over 13 months old and we have still encountered our share of life struggles in the last year, but with her birth I found my strength. I can now handle obstacles head on with pure courage. My husband and I are a team, a unit which cannot be broken.

When we found out that we were expecting another child, we were both shocked. We knew that once Loreli was a year old we wanted to start trying for another baby, so by all means Evalyn has always been wanted. Just as with everything else about our relationship, my husband and I plan for things and they happen much sooner than expected. We have learned to accept that life just can't be planned out.

With this pregnancy I wanted to savor and cherish every possible moment. When I was pregnant with Loreli there were more downs than ups. Now that I am confident in my abilities as a mother and I know more of what to expect, I have been able to enjoy more with this pregnancy. In the beginning I still had moments of guilt. I felt that it was selfish of me to enjoy being pregnant and celebrating the creation of another life when I so foolishly took that chance away from another years ago. Somehow I have found a peace and forgiveness for my past decisions. I still feel sadness and mourning for the life I let go but I know that if I had not made that decision, I wouldn't be where I am today. I never would have met my soul mate, my wonderful daughter Loreli wouldn't be in the world, and I wouldn't have this bundle of love moving around my belly right now.

My life could have gone down so many different paths. I am grateful every single day for the life that I have as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an in-law, and a friend. I wouldn't change one thing right now and I am so incredibly excited for Evalyn to arrive.