As the due date for my second daughter approached, I was anxious, excited, ready to not be pregnant and more than ready to meet my beautiful little girl. Evalyn's birth was surreal. The entire labor and delivery felt like it was a dream, as if it were happening to somebody else. Alas my sweet little angel had arrived.
The first few days in the hospital were wonderful. By the end of our stay I was very much wanting to get back home to my first born and settle into life as a family of four. Evalyn lost 8 ounces of weight in her first two days. This is when things began to slip away. Upon arriving home, my newborn baby was too weak to breastfeed. I communicated with a consultant and had a ton of help from my mother, but in the end my baby did not have the strength to latch on.
For two weeks I pumped breastmilk for my little angel. I battled my sorrow over not being able to breastfeed and came to the realization that if Evalyn were my one and only child, there is no doubt I would work harder to the commitment of breastfeeding. Having two children to care for on my own (my husband returned to work one week after Evalyn's birth), I could not commit myself fully. This was the beginning of my "baby blues."
Having two children to care for on my own was an incredible adjustment. To top things off our financial situation took a hit when our tax return was delayed without even an estimation of a deposit date, all due to having to pay back the First Time Homebuyers Tax Credit. For the entirety of my pregnancy we were banking on receiving our return before Evalyn's arrival, knowing that would cover any bills I would be responsible for during maternity leave. I also had been laid off from my job two months before, so we desperately needed the money.
My husband and I both went through an incredibly hard time. We tried our best to smile in front of our toddler and newborn so as not to affect them or introduce negativity into their worlds. There were moments of weakness and tears but we managed to make the best of what we had at the time and keep the basics of what we all needed stocked. Seeing people around us buying big toys and spending frivolously in front of us added the occasional sting. We didn't want anyone to hold back their own happiness because of our situation so we did our best to keep our feelings to ourselves.
With everything that happened in such a small time span, I felt my emotions sinking deep and hard into negativity. I felt unconnected to my newborn and found myself thinking and feeling things I never could have imagined a mother to feel. At times I wished Evalyn had never existed. I wanted my happy family of three back. I wanted our lives to go back to the way things were. Other times I wanted to leave my whole family all together and just give up on the incredible responsibility of wife and mother. Sometimes I wanted to die.
I was in an extreme dark place. I went to the doctor for my six week check up and admitted my feelings. I was put on an extremely high dose of Zoloft. I took the pill for three days and was flying high as a kite the entire time. Sure I felt better emotionally because I wasn't feeling anything at all! I literally went to my brother-in-laws house, sat and spent time with everyone, left, came home and went to bed only to wake up the next day and not remember even a moment of the day before. That was the end of that. No way could I take care of two children by myself while on that medication. It was suggested I ask for a lower dose and work myself up. I decided just to stay away from it all together.
I can't pinpoint the exact moment it happened but one day I suddenly was overwhelmed with love for Evalyn. I don't think I'll ever feel the connection I did with my first born with Evalyn or any children who may come after, but I realized that I can love Evalyn in different ways. This feeling couldn't have come at a better time because when this happened, Evalyn began to spit up incredible amounts and was fussy 24/7.
After a few weeks of trying to figure out what was going on with our sweet little baby, we finally came to the conclusion that she has colic. Both my husband and I were at our wits end between her screaming and spitting up and then the negative effects this had on our toddler. A ton of bricks was lifted off our household when we found the solution to helping Evalyn. She still to this day has quite a few fussy days, but nothing like what we went through at first.
After caring for my colicky baby my patience and love were both tested to the extreme. I again felt like the mother I knew I always was. I again knew that motherhood was my calling. With exercise, eating healthier and a lot of love from my husband and mom, I was able to overcome all of my dark feelings.
When the darkness faded and I stepped back into the light, spring was nearly over and summer almost in full bloom. My toddler was learning more and more about the world around her each day and I couldn't stop photographing her. And then it hit me... I've loved photography my whole life, why not pursue it as a career?
With complete support from my parents and husband I enrolled in the New York Institute of Photography. I have slowly been building my equipment and prop collection. I am working hard on learning the world of professional photography.
As I now have something to call my "niche," I use it as an avenue to direct my attention to anytime depression creeps near. I've found that I can battle the darkness of the "baby blues" without medication. Love from my two girls, husband and parents... support from my family and friends... and something to keep my focus and attention on... that is all it took.
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