A new chapter

As I am no longer a "housewife" and I am now working a full time job and still in the process of building my own photography business, I have changed the name of the blog from "Ramblings of a housewife" to "Ramblings of a working mom."

As I am in the midst of yet another major life change, I need to take a few moments to reflect on how I came to the decision to work full time. In April of 2010 I was fired from my full time job at a law firm. Loreli was four months old at the time and due to a last minute change in child care, I was unable to work my set schedule for a few weeks as we prepared for and looked into child care alternatives. I was in an incredibly negative work atmosphere and had experienced nothing but struggle from the moment I returned from maternity leave. Most of the conflict involved me pumping breast milk at work and my colleagues AND boss being uncomfortable and/or against it. Needless to say I didn't look at losing that job as a complete loss.

A few months later I found myself in a temporary part time job surrounded by people who were fun and enjoying life. For the most part I really enjoyed that job but it was a temp job which forever promised to become permanent and never did. Even though I was working and we weren't paying for child care at the time, I found myself for the first time in a position which I was unable to pay all of my bills. We made sure all of the household bills were paid and the "important" expenses we needed to be paid were but all of my personal credit card and medical debt went ignored and pushed to the side.

With the discovery of another baby on the way my personal debt became less and less important. There were collection calls and notices being made and even a few family members received embarrassing information but I put aside my pride in those few situations and tried to concentrate on what was really my main focus... my family.

Two months before Evalyn was born I was laid off from my part time temp job. I can't say it was a complete surprise but it was one of those things you have a big sign in front of you warning you about but you don't want to see it. When it actually happened reality set in and the "o shit" feeling came into focus.

Though the financial loss of my part time job hit us hard, we knew we were expecting our tax return in just a few short weeks so we held our breath so to say knowing we would be able to use that to pay a few months of bills. We also had yet to buy anything for the new baby. Everyone figured since we had just had a child we must have everything we needed and for the most part that would be a correct statement, but we didn't have a crib or a double stroller or a few other things I felt were really important for Evalyn's arrival. People can tell a pregnant mother until their blue in the face that everything will be "ok" and that you have the "essentials" but any woman has been pregnant and experienced "nesting" will vouch that the feeling of being unprepared weighs heavily.

Evalyn arrived and I quickly concentrated solely on my motherly duties. Struggling with breastfeeding and multi-tasking a toddler and baby were things I really needed to focus my attention on rather than what bill collector was calling for the millionth time. When Evalyn was two months old her demeanor and health took a turn and looking back at that time I can only describe it as a nightmare. No, my child has not ever suffered from a life threatening or debilitating disease or injury and yes, colic and acid reflux are extremely common, but I had had what seems like the most perfect and healthy child as my first born and to experience these things and not know what was going on with my child for so long was stressful to say the least.

I spent a few months concentrating solely on finding ways to make my baby comfortable and happy. I tried my best to find time to make sure my oldest was receiving the attention and education she needed at her age. During this time of concentrating so hard on my children I really started to lose myself.

During this time of Evalyn's arrival and the first few months of life we struggled incredibly financially. We found out that our tax return was not going to come before Evalyn was born as we had been banking on and there was a delay with everyone who had to pay back the "First Time Homebuyers Tax Credit." There were thousands of people affected by this minor glitch in the IRS computer system and man did we feel the burn. We borrowed money just to keep our electric on and heat in our home. We applied for HEAP which helped a great much and borrowed money for groceries, gas, car and insurance payments. Meanwhile most everyone around us was enjoying the luxuries of their recent purchases because unlike us, they weren't banking on that money just to get by.

The beginning of 2012 was an incredible rollar coaster both financially and emotionally. When we finally did receive our tax return we used what very little was left after paying bills and paying back money we borrowed to go out to the MidWest and visit my family. We probably should have used it for future bills or put in savings for another possible crisis but we really really needed that short little break from our day to day lives. The vacation not only allowed the girls to meet the majority of my side of the family but it also brought us the presence and influence of such positive people. It also brought us back to appreciating our little family and the love we have.

When we returned home I decided I needed to do something, anything even if it were one day a week for just a few hours that was separate from my family. I needed to find myself again and come back to enjoying my talents. I enrolled in a photography course and started my own business. This was a wonderful decision and I was so incredibly surprised with complete support from my parents and husband.

A few months into my photography business and I found that I really have a knack for the business, but I wasn't bringing in the type of income even worth claiming, much less that would pay any of my debt. Collectors were calling so often that I turned the house phone to silent so I just wouldn't have to deal with them day in and day out. It was towards the end of summer that I was "served" papers stating that one of the credit card companies was going to sue me. When I called I was informed they were in the process of taking action to put a lien on our home since we didn't have the income to pay back the debt and I didn't have a full time job which my wages could be garnished from. Here came the "o shit" feeling again.

After Evalyn was born the main reason I did not go back to work was because we had determined that I would need to start at a certain rate in order for it to be worth me working. With me working we would no longer qualify for HEAP or WIC, we would have to pay child care full time for two children and after all of that was said and done, I would need to make a profit and be able to pay my debt. There just weren't jobs around us offering the amount I needed so I stayed home. Shortly after I was "served" the papers, I started contacting lawyers regarding filing for bankruptcy.

I spoke with a few lawyers and found one I was really comfortable with. I sent them what seemed like a series of books with all of my debt information and we set up a payment plan. I struggled very much with this decision because I've never been one to give up on anything but the reality was that I had obviously given up a long time ago or things wouldn't have gotten to this. At this point I just wanted the debt gone, the collectors to stop harassing me and my family and to move on from the situation.

The next month we found out my husbands income was going to increase to the point that we no longer needed to worry how we were going to put gas in the car each week, we no longer had to scrape together just to buy a relative or friend a birthday present... we were finally going to be "comfortable" enough financially that we wouldn't be holding our breath starting the day after a pay check was received until the next one came.

I then found out that the place where my husband works was also hiring at a rate that would fit perfect into what we needed. My husband could now take care of all of the main expenses and with this new job, I could fully pay for full time child care and pay off my debt. But then the decision was... do I want to leave my children and go back to work? I now struggled daily with this decision and constantly went back and forth. I put in my application and went through the interview first just to see if the question was one to even ponder.

As I waited for a call I still went back and forth and eventually decided that I did not want to leave my girls, I wanted to be home with them. But this meant I most definitely had to file bankruptcy. My husbands increase in pay was enough to keep us comfortably stable day to day but not enough to pay back all of the debt that I had accrued. Filing bankruptcy meant that in a year or two when we go to put our house up for sale, the lenders would see not only all of my late credit reporting but also that I had just given up and surrendered. This would most definitely affect our chances at getting our dream home.

Finally when the call came offering me the full time position, I went with my gut and I took it. I decided in the long run not to take the easy way out and to pay back what had been given to me, if not for the credit building and the future home prospect then at least for the simple value of paying what was loaned to me.

When I accepted the position to go back to work full time, I was over my head with stress of being home day in and day out. I felt completely disconnected from the world and longed for day to day adult connection and interaction. I envied my husband for having a place to go 5 days a week where he could be without children screaming and hanging on him, without household chores and talk with other adults.

When I accepted the new job I not only was thinking of the financial benefits but I also was yearning for the feeling of being useful and using my brain again. I was yearning for a break from being mommy 24/7.

During my last week at home my husband was sent to Texas for work. I quickly realized how much he really helps out around the house and though I got small breaks from the kids with him home, I realized how much those breaks kept me going. By the time my first day of work came around I was all but jumping up and down and cheering to drop the girls off and go into my new workplace. The beginning of my first week was wonderful! I saw a ton of faces I hadn't seen since I had left three years prior and was seeing a lot of screens and information I had known for so long but hadn't given a thought to in forever. I felt confident, I felt renewed. I felt useful.

At the end of my first week we were given a chance to sit with other people who do our job and see first hand what the day to day work is like. By the end of this experience I was so overwhelmed, I called my husband with serious doubts about my ability to do this job. Going into my second week I am still feeling overwhelmed with information but after some confidence building with my mom and husband I know I just need to give it time.

Now that I am a "working mom" I sit here and think about all that I had left unnoticed. I now have to actually make myself psychically presentable everyday. No more ten minute shower, throw the hair up and put on the first thing I find. I now need to do all of my house work when I would usually relax with my family and enjoy time together. As Evalyn goes through teething and her first cold I have to in a way let go of her because I'm not there with her 24/7 to monitor her.

The grass is always greener on the other side. As a stay at home mom I longed for a career so that I could feel useful and contribute to the home. As a working mom I now feel like I need to take each moment I can to be with my family. There are pros and cons to both sides.

I hope that with this new job I am making the right decision. I will probably question that choice constantly. I would probably question it even if I had chosen to stay home. Whether I am home with the girls or at a full time job working I will always long for the positive of the other life. With this new job I look forward not only to the financial freedom I will gain after my debt is paid but to making a difference in other peoples lives, whether it be my co-workers or customers. I hope that in leaving the comfort of my home I can bring good things to those around me.

With how my life has played out over the last three years all I can really say is that no matter what I do, I'm going to do it to my best ability. I'm going to find the happiness out of every situation. I'm going to work hard to make sure my family, most importantly my children are taken care of. And most of all I am never going to let my family go through anything like this past year again.