I have now been working full time at my job for a month. I thought that by now I would be ok with leaving the girls but it seems as if it gets harder and harder each week. I spent the better part of yesterday and this morning crying because I don't want to leave them today. We had such an amazing weekend with our babies. It was the first weekend in probably two months that we actually spent as a family just the four of us (with the exception of a brief outing with my mom :).
To think now that I was jealous of my husband having somewhere to go to get away from this house and now I'm crying just at the thought of leaving for 10 hours...
I'm finding myself spending time in the morning cleaning and getting myself ready (so I look halfway decent) rather than spending time with my kids. By the time we are done working they are passed out and ready for bed. For a good part of the last few weeks after James returned from Texas and I started going to work full time, Loreli wanted nothing to do with me and wouldn't let James out of her sight. She would even bite me, scream and kick just when I tried to cuddle with her. After spending this weekend together we are back to cuddling and playing and I don't want to let go of that. I feel like such a sob but just typing that makes me start crying again.
James is such a wonderful husband and remains by my side, telling me it's my choice to work and he will stick by me in whatever I choose to do. I know in my gut I need to pay off my debt the right way instead of filing bankruptcy. There is a little voice in my head telling me it would all be ok and be over with so quickly and I could just be with my babies all day long. The voice of reason weighs much more heavily and I know I need to do what is right.
Be careful what you wish for... you just might get it.
I think your impulse to pay off the debt is a good one. Here's an idea: how about if you have a "no money" christmas and put all that money towards the debt? It will get you that much closer to being home again. Evalyn is too young to notice and Loreli would probably be just as happy to open gifts containing toys she already has! Certainly all your relatives and friends would be understanding and supportive. Heck, some of them might thank you for saving them from yet one more object to take care of!
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