Happy Mother's Day

Today is the first time in ages that I've had a few moments of quiet to be able to sit down and write. So much has been happening and we are so busy day to day, it's wonderful to have the chance to listen to the birds sing, breathe in the crisp morning air and relax. Today is Mother's Day. :) In the last few months there have been so many changes to our lives as a little family. The girls started going to daycare. We have been blessed to have help from both sets of parents. My mom picks the girls up when the daycare closes, takes them to our house and gives them dinner, baths and puts them to bed. This is a huge under taking as she's not asking for any sort of payment, she often will buy them food and activities and well, my kids are a handful to take on. :) My in-laws take Loreli for one to two days/nights a week and whenever needed they will watch both girls if my mom is unavailable. This has been wonderful for her to continue her close relationship with them. We are expecting our third child and holy cow I'm already halfway through my pregnancy! We found out this one is also a girl :) and we plan to name her Charlotte Marie. This pregnancy has been so much easier than the last two as I had my gull bladder removed after I had Evalyn, all of the complications that caused are gone. Don't get me wrong, it is absolutely exhausting to take care of two children, work full-time and be pregnant but I get a lot of help and we manage to make it through. I try to take time to sit and relax whenever the opportunity presents itself and James has been absolutely wonderful with taking over night time duties with Evalyn. On this Mother's Day holiday I think of all that I am thankful for. Day to day stress can very easily cause someone to stray from realizing how fortunate they are. We have Loreli going through her terrible two's, which I have to admit haven't been so terrible, but she has her moments that I wonder if a demon spawn took briefly took place of my wonderful happy child. We have Evalyn who we continue to struggle with figuring out. She still will not sleep more than an hour or two on her own though she has been getting better with her screaming fits, it can truly be a struggle to deal with them when they come. Now she has started breaking out all over. It began with her face and now is spreading to her arms. And then we have Charlotte, who we found out may have something going on with her heart. As the doctor described in between using words I didn't understand at all- what I gathered is that one of the muscles which helps her heart pump blood between the four chambers looks to have torn and is not healing correctly. We were referred to a specialist who we will see this coming Tuesday. We were told that when we see the specialist this problem may have healed and corrected itself by then or we may need to talk more about action plans and monitor Charlotte more closely. With all of this said, add to it hormones, little sleep and an extremely stressful full-time job and I have admittedly been struggling with finding happiness. There have been so many moments that I have just burst into tears, a lot of times not over one thing in particular, I just start crying whether its at work in the middle of talking to a customer, while I'm getting ready for the day or at any other random moment. I'm scared, stressed, tired, and despite never actually being alone... I'm lonely in the thought that I'm going through all of this alone. This is certainly not the person I want to be and so I have been working hard to find happiness. Evalyn started walking. This is something I honestly wondered if we would ever see. Loreli has new words, phrases and faces every day that you just can't help but laugh at. My husband goes over the top to help with the kids and not just for the thought of trying to make things easier for me, but because he truly loves and is committed to his children. I don't know many men who would do half the things he does and the fact that he does it because he wants to- not because he feels he has to- just melts my heart. I've gotten to the stage in pregnancy that I am feeling Charlotte move more and more each day. These are all reasons I find to open myself up and bring myself back to reality. I am blessed beyond words. I recently watched a video of a woman who has a son born with an extreme cleft in his mouth and no eyes. His eye sockets were surgically closed because he simply was born without any eyes. Watching her video about what she went through when he was born, the stares and ridicule they received from the public brought me back to reality and I realized- wow, there is always someone else out there fighting a bigger battle than I. In this video she expressed how she stayed strong and how things turned around as people were made aware of their story through Facebook. Instead of getting shun in public, they are thought of as an inspiration and this mothers story of how positive she has remained was truly inspiring. This reminds me of how much I am blessed with and that instead of stressing about what could be wrong, I need to rejoice in what is right. Today for Mother's Day my mom and I are going to the Unitarian Universalist church in town. It's been a long time since I've attended church and I have to admit this is the first time I am attending because I really feel I need to. For a very long time I've been unsure of what I believe in spiritually. I feel that now more than ever there is some force pulling me to pray. I feel that in my recent prayers I have found strength. And hope. I want to be the mother who never gives in to the fear and remains positive. I want to believe that with positive thinking there will be a positive outcome. I want God to know that I am not wallowing in self-pity and I do not feel sorry for myself. I am thankful beyond words for everything I am blessed with. On this Mother's Day I am thankful that life has given me the opportunity to bring life into the world. I am thankful for all of the support I am given. I am thankful for all of the love I am surrounded by. I am thankful for my mother, my mother-in-law, my grandmothers and my babies.