The love between a parent and child is perhaps the greatest love there is. It is an unconditional love with so many different levels. Being a stay at home mother and having the luxury of being with my children all of the time can sometimes cause me to forget just how lucky I am to have them. Fortunate for me at least once a day one of my girls does something to give me a reminder of just how wonderful they make my life.
Both of my daughters are too young to say "I love you," still, but I find it so amazing that they find so many different ways to tell me. At times Evalyn will be in her swing or on the floor wiggling around and when she hears my voice or catches a glimpse of me I notice a small smile or grin. When she is fussy (not hungry) and wants to be held, as soon as I pick her up she calms right down. This shows me her love because with me she feels safe and knows that she too is loved.
With Loreli things are a bit different. She can express emotions and has her own way of talking, but has yet to get into deep conversations. Loreli expresses her love in so many different ways, whether she gives you her wide smile, showing all of her teeth and moving her cheeks so much her eyes close, or signing "I love you." Some nights Loreli will have "binge kiss" time, when she wants nothing to do but to kiss her father and I.
There are so many different ways my girls express themselves and fill my heart with joy. Love is the biggest and most incredible of them all.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
True Love
You never really understand love until you have a child. Becoming a parent will test every relationship you have in life. Love between partners can either become stronger or dwindle and disappear. If the love is strong enough to make it through numerous nights of not sleeping, hormones raging and babies crying then you know it's a forever kind of love.
In the last few months my husband and I have been through quite a bit and I am extremely proud to say that today we are stronger as a couple and in our love. We have handled me being laid off from my second job in a year, giving birth to our second child in 14 months, being delayed in receiving our much anticipated and needed tax return, me going through postpartum depression, and a number of smaller events in such a short amount of time. The events we have faced in the last few months would be enough to break a person or a relationship, but we have come out stronger than ever.
I believe strongly that the presence of our children and love that we share for them are what keep our love for each other so strong. We take on each day together as a team whether the day is filled with endless screaming and tears or countless giggles and smiles. Knowing that we created these two wonderful human beings together and we spend each day working to give them the best life possible, and we do that as a team bonds us more and more each day.
When my husband and I first started dating we fell in love very quickly. We moved so fast through the life steps in our relationship (e.g. house, engagement, marriage, kids) that we didn't allow very much time to test our love and our commitment. When we first fell in love I would look at James and see the man of my dreams. Now when I look at James I see the father of my children, the provider of our family, my partner in parenting and in life.
James is no longer the man of my dreams but now my daily reality, the man of my life. Now when I look at him, I see the man who was with me every single step of the way through two pregnancies, who shared in my ups and downs. I see the man who delivered our child, who has never said no when I asked for help with late night feedings or overloaded stinky diapers. I see the man who has been my rock through times of financial difficulty, who has cried with me when it was necessary and dried my tears and picked me up when needed. When I look at the man I have devoted my life to I am proud to call him my husband.
I never really knew what love was until I had children. Having my two daughters has not only shown me true love towards my husband, it has also taught me the undying love a parent has for their child. With my oldest who is almost 16 months old, I am amazed daily by her ability to learn so fast. Every single day Loreli brightens my life whether she does it by saying a new word or spontaneously coming up with a new dance move, there is not one day that goes by that I am not fascinated by her complete love of life. Looking at Evalyn who is just shy of 2 months old fills my heart with complete happiness and love. Knowing what lays ahead for my girls, knowing that I brought these two amazing humans into the world and what they will experience... it completes me in every way.
After having Evalyn and experiencing some unexpected alterations in our plans and life, I began to notice that I was showing signs of postpartum depression. I was thinking things and feelings things I never thought or understood a mother and a wife could go through. It was an incredible struggle the first few weeks. My doctor put me on a very high dose of antidepressants, which made me like a zombie. I actually blacked out and could not remember events and things I'd said and done. Three days of that and I was done with the antidepressants. I realize that depression can be just as much chemical as it is physical, but I believe that every day I overcome the negative thinking and feeling through either exercise or being with my family. On my darkest and hardest days my husband and daughters have picked me up just with their smiles.
In the last few months my husband and I have been through quite a bit and I am extremely proud to say that today we are stronger as a couple and in our love. We have handled me being laid off from my second job in a year, giving birth to our second child in 14 months, being delayed in receiving our much anticipated and needed tax return, me going through postpartum depression, and a number of smaller events in such a short amount of time. The events we have faced in the last few months would be enough to break a person or a relationship, but we have come out stronger than ever.
I believe strongly that the presence of our children and love that we share for them are what keep our love for each other so strong. We take on each day together as a team whether the day is filled with endless screaming and tears or countless giggles and smiles. Knowing that we created these two wonderful human beings together and we spend each day working to give them the best life possible, and we do that as a team bonds us more and more each day.
When my husband and I first started dating we fell in love very quickly. We moved so fast through the life steps in our relationship (e.g. house, engagement, marriage, kids) that we didn't allow very much time to test our love and our commitment. When we first fell in love I would look at James and see the man of my dreams. Now when I look at James I see the father of my children, the provider of our family, my partner in parenting and in life.
James is no longer the man of my dreams but now my daily reality, the man of my life. Now when I look at him, I see the man who was with me every single step of the way through two pregnancies, who shared in my ups and downs. I see the man who delivered our child, who has never said no when I asked for help with late night feedings or overloaded stinky diapers. I see the man who has been my rock through times of financial difficulty, who has cried with me when it was necessary and dried my tears and picked me up when needed. When I look at the man I have devoted my life to I am proud to call him my husband.
I never really knew what love was until I had children. Having my two daughters has not only shown me true love towards my husband, it has also taught me the undying love a parent has for their child. With my oldest who is almost 16 months old, I am amazed daily by her ability to learn so fast. Every single day Loreli brightens my life whether she does it by saying a new word or spontaneously coming up with a new dance move, there is not one day that goes by that I am not fascinated by her complete love of life. Looking at Evalyn who is just shy of 2 months old fills my heart with complete happiness and love. Knowing what lays ahead for my girls, knowing that I brought these two amazing humans into the world and what they will experience... it completes me in every way.
After having Evalyn and experiencing some unexpected alterations in our plans and life, I began to notice that I was showing signs of postpartum depression. I was thinking things and feelings things I never thought or understood a mother and a wife could go through. It was an incredible struggle the first few weeks. My doctor put me on a very high dose of antidepressants, which made me like a zombie. I actually blacked out and could not remember events and things I'd said and done. Three days of that and I was done with the antidepressants. I realize that depression can be just as much chemical as it is physical, but I believe that every day I overcome the negative thinking and feeling through either exercise or being with my family. On my darkest and hardest days my husband and daughters have picked me up just with their smiles.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Let Me Tell You About My Day...
My husband and I have a 15 month old toddler named Loreli and a one month old baby named Evalyn. We have started switching off nights with Evalyn and this way we both get sleep... eventually. Last night was my night to sleep in and when my husband, James woke me up this morning I felt as if I had just gone to bed. I was groggy and probably could have slept another ten or more hours.
My husband was quickly out the door to head off to work and Loreli had just woken up and was in her high chair enjoying a blueberry muffin. Loreli sat in her chair just long enough for me to wash the dishes that were in the sink and clean up her mess of muffin crumbs. We then started our morning with a nice, funny baby talk session. I sat in the recliner with Evalyn in my left arm and Loreli on my lap. Loreli insisted on taking her pajamas off (as usual)and put on her wonderful charm while I videotaped her on the IPod. This was the end of my wonderful morning.
After a nice babble session with the girls I received a phone call from the supervisor of our tax advocate. I could go on and on about this subject and this phone call but I'll save that for another blog. Needless to say I didn't receive good news about the status of our tax return and I was pretty upset about it. Evalyn was extremely alert and wiggly so I laid out her blanket on top of her play mat and put her down. Loreli usually likes to play with her little sister's toes and hands and kiss her a bunch but today she decided she wanted to try to step on her and be naughty. After a few attempts of telling her no I finally settled on a spanking, which I hardly ever do.
The morning continued with Evalyn being extremely fussy and both girls wanting me to hold them. Of course I can only hold Evalyn when I'm feeding her and the girl wanted to eat nearly every half hour for three hours and Loreli is still not okay with being told no to being held when her sister is. It was a morning of crying, screaming, biting and headaches. At noon I decided Loreli needed a nap since she was showing many signs of being tired. Evalyn started crying every single time Loreli was just falling asleep for an hour and a half straight. When I finally got Loreli to sleep and put into her bed Evalyn was in full fledged scream mode and needed to be fed again. Loreli slept for two hours. It seemed as if the only way to keep Evalyn quiet was to hold her close and rub her back. Every time I thought that she was fast asleep and I tried closing my eyes she would cry again.
**HERE IS WHERE IT GETS CRAZY**
After two hours of napping Loreli woke up and was ready to get out of bed. Evalyn was still fussy so I put Loreli in her high chair, got her lunch together and fed her all while snuggling Evalyn close. Loreli thought it would be more fun to throw and spit the food in my face instead of eating it. After a while I gave up on giving Loreli lunch and put a handful of her crunchy snacks in her snack cup. Just when my lunch was ready to eat of course Miss Evalyn was also ready to eat again. I set my food next to my recliner and gave Evalyn a bottle. Loreli decided to stand near the entrance to the kitchen and whine. I tried to give her a drink... she didn't want it. I tried to give her another snack... she didn't want it. Eventually I gave up and ignored the tantrum and Loreli got the hint and started playing.
As I was feeding Evalyn I looked over to Loreli standing and bouncing on the couch, snack cup in one hand, a handful of crunches in the other. I look down and there are crunches all over the couch... in a puddle of poop that was running from Loreli's (Miss Needs To Be Naked All The Time) diaper, down her leg, all over her feet and smushed into the couch. Evalyn was mid-gulp on her bottle when I quickly plopped her into her swing, grabbed Loreli holding her at arms length and ran her into the bathroom and into the tub. As I tried to wash the poop off of her as fast as possible Loreli tried to play in it as much as possible. When I finally got Loreli clean and a new diaper on I wiped down the couch the best I could and went on to feeding Evalyn, who had been screaming the whole time I was tending to Loreli.
At this point in the day I was ready to run out of the house screaming and guzzle a whole bottle of wine! I thought there was no possible way the day could get any worse... and then as I'm finishing Evalyn's feeding Loreli rips off her diaper, grabs her blanket and runs into her Cozy Coupe... and pees. I sat in the recliner with Evalyn in my arms and just stared. All I could think was, "There is no way that just happened."
I cleaned up the Cozy Coupe, Loreli and got her into a new diaper. I scarfed down my lunch as fast as possible, got Evalyn some gas drops and rocked her until my mom came over. Evalyn was dead asleep during my moms visit and Loreli played and giggled the whole time. My mom left and there was only about half an hour until my husband was expected to walk through the door. I got up and went into the nursery to change Evalyn when all of a sudden I hear a loud noise in the kitchen. Loreli had reached and grabbed her can of crunches from the table, opened the can and 75% of it was sprawled across the kitchen floor. I finished changing Evalyn, made a new bottle for her, shrugged my shoulders and left Loreli to eat off the floor.
Let's just say that when my husband finally walked through the door around 7:20 pm I was more than happy to toss the girls his way. Thankfully he decided to give me a break and take the girls to his parents house for a little while. I can see one of the events from today happening but all of them at once... it was like being in a movie. At the end of the day all I can do is laugh.
My husband was quickly out the door to head off to work and Loreli had just woken up and was in her high chair enjoying a blueberry muffin. Loreli sat in her chair just long enough for me to wash the dishes that were in the sink and clean up her mess of muffin crumbs. We then started our morning with a nice, funny baby talk session. I sat in the recliner with Evalyn in my left arm and Loreli on my lap. Loreli insisted on taking her pajamas off (as usual)and put on her wonderful charm while I videotaped her on the IPod. This was the end of my wonderful morning.
After a nice babble session with the girls I received a phone call from the supervisor of our tax advocate. I could go on and on about this subject and this phone call but I'll save that for another blog. Needless to say I didn't receive good news about the status of our tax return and I was pretty upset about it. Evalyn was extremely alert and wiggly so I laid out her blanket on top of her play mat and put her down. Loreli usually likes to play with her little sister's toes and hands and kiss her a bunch but today she decided she wanted to try to step on her and be naughty. After a few attempts of telling her no I finally settled on a spanking, which I hardly ever do.
The morning continued with Evalyn being extremely fussy and both girls wanting me to hold them. Of course I can only hold Evalyn when I'm feeding her and the girl wanted to eat nearly every half hour for three hours and Loreli is still not okay with being told no to being held when her sister is. It was a morning of crying, screaming, biting and headaches. At noon I decided Loreli needed a nap since she was showing many signs of being tired. Evalyn started crying every single time Loreli was just falling asleep for an hour and a half straight. When I finally got Loreli to sleep and put into her bed Evalyn was in full fledged scream mode and needed to be fed again. Loreli slept for two hours. It seemed as if the only way to keep Evalyn quiet was to hold her close and rub her back. Every time I thought that she was fast asleep and I tried closing my eyes she would cry again.
**HERE IS WHERE IT GETS CRAZY**
After two hours of napping Loreli woke up and was ready to get out of bed. Evalyn was still fussy so I put Loreli in her high chair, got her lunch together and fed her all while snuggling Evalyn close. Loreli thought it would be more fun to throw and spit the food in my face instead of eating it. After a while I gave up on giving Loreli lunch and put a handful of her crunchy snacks in her snack cup. Just when my lunch was ready to eat of course Miss Evalyn was also ready to eat again. I set my food next to my recliner and gave Evalyn a bottle. Loreli decided to stand near the entrance to the kitchen and whine. I tried to give her a drink... she didn't want it. I tried to give her another snack... she didn't want it. Eventually I gave up and ignored the tantrum and Loreli got the hint and started playing.
As I was feeding Evalyn I looked over to Loreli standing and bouncing on the couch, snack cup in one hand, a handful of crunches in the other. I look down and there are crunches all over the couch... in a puddle of poop that was running from Loreli's (Miss Needs To Be Naked All The Time) diaper, down her leg, all over her feet and smushed into the couch. Evalyn was mid-gulp on her bottle when I quickly plopped her into her swing, grabbed Loreli holding her at arms length and ran her into the bathroom and into the tub. As I tried to wash the poop off of her as fast as possible Loreli tried to play in it as much as possible. When I finally got Loreli clean and a new diaper on I wiped down the couch the best I could and went on to feeding Evalyn, who had been screaming the whole time I was tending to Loreli.
At this point in the day I was ready to run out of the house screaming and guzzle a whole bottle of wine! I thought there was no possible way the day could get any worse... and then as I'm finishing Evalyn's feeding Loreli rips off her diaper, grabs her blanket and runs into her Cozy Coupe... and pees. I sat in the recliner with Evalyn in my arms and just stared. All I could think was, "There is no way that just happened."
I cleaned up the Cozy Coupe, Loreli and got her into a new diaper. I scarfed down my lunch as fast as possible, got Evalyn some gas drops and rocked her until my mom came over. Evalyn was dead asleep during my moms visit and Loreli played and giggled the whole time. My mom left and there was only about half an hour until my husband was expected to walk through the door. I got up and went into the nursery to change Evalyn when all of a sudden I hear a loud noise in the kitchen. Loreli had reached and grabbed her can of crunches from the table, opened the can and 75% of it was sprawled across the kitchen floor. I finished changing Evalyn, made a new bottle for her, shrugged my shoulders and left Loreli to eat off the floor.
Let's just say that when my husband finally walked through the door around 7:20 pm I was more than happy to toss the girls his way. Thankfully he decided to give me a break and take the girls to his parents house for a little while. I can see one of the events from today happening but all of them at once... it was like being in a movie. At the end of the day all I can do is laugh.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Is Breast Always Best?
We recently welcomed into the world our second daughter, Evalyn Rae. I was induced at 39 weeks 2 days pregnant due to Evalyn's low weight gain. Thankfully she is a completely healthy, though very tiny baby. Our first daughter was quite the chunker when she was born and took to breast feeding right away. Loreli never had problems latching and ate like a pig! Unfortunately this has not been the case for our little Evalyn.
While at the hospital Evalyn began eating less and less. By the time we were discharged 48 hours after her birth she had lost 9 ounces in her weight and stopped latching on when I attempted to nurse her. The hospital gave us a special little cup to try to feed Evalyn when she wouldn't nurse so that she wouldn't get nipple confusion and would still get the food she needed. We found that the longer we were home, the more she refused to latch on to the breast and expected the cup when hungry.
When making my WIC appointment I mentioned the problem I was having getting Evalyn to latch on and was given contact information to a lactation specialist. I called the specialist right away and she gave me some great advice on trying to get Evalyn to eat more and latch on. I was definitely happy that there was still hope that I would be able to breastfeed my Lil Nugget.
The first night home was a little rocky with both girls waking each other up with their crying but the second night seemed like something out of a horror film. My mom spent the night and stayed in Loreli's room with her but Evalyn was up screaming from midnight until 5 am. With already having a great lack of sleep my husband and I both nearly lost it. To top it off I have not been taking any pain medication after giving birth because the specialist mentioned how it can affect Evalyn through my milk, so this added on to the frustration and anxiety.
With each feeding I was attempting to nurse Evalyn and then she would be cup fed by either my mom or husband. I decided that since she was getting more in her system and showing signs of gaining strength, I would attempt the "kangaroo" method with her and see if that would help her latch. All day on Sunday I had her wrapped skin to skin with me in our SleepyWrap. This proved to be a lot more draining than I expected.
I wasn't able to nap because of my cramping and each time Evalyn had to be fed I had to unwrap her, attempt to keep her in the wrap to conserve her body heat and nurse while I was over engorged and sore to the touch from my milk coming in. When nursing failed, I had to pump and have someone else feed her and then wrap her up all over again. After doing this all day I was completely and utterly drained... but then she latched on and nursed for two full feeding sessions. I felt like this really could be working.
My mom came back over to help us over night. My husband slept in the nursery this time to get up with Loreli when needed and my mom was going to sleep on the couch and help me only if I needed. The first feeding session came and I was extremely hopeful since we had made good progress, but Evalyn wanted nothing to do with latching on. This was the straw that broke the camels back for me.
I have always been pro-breastfeeding and always stressed the importance to my family and friends of the effects of breastfeeding and breast milk. The bonding experience alone is enough of an argument to nurse. I've also always told my friends to never give up in the first week, that it is going to be extremely difficult no matter what because of raging hormones and physical recovery from labor. Add to that sleep deprivation and getting to know your newborn and things can get very frustrating. I've always said not to give up, that if you give up in the first week that is just weak and selfish. Here I was not even five days into the experience and I was ready to throw in the towel.
I had an extremely long talk with my mom and cried my eyes out while weighing the options. In the back of my head I wonder if Evalyn will have more allergies or will she be as smart as Loreli if she doesn't get breast milk as long as she did? I realize there are thousands of babies who never receive even a drop of breast milk and they turn out just fine (my husband is a great example, he was always formula fed as a baby), but I want the absolute best for my children and feel that it is my responsibility to do everything in my power to make sure they have the best. Will I be able to bond with Evalyn as she is already losing one on one time by coming in as the second child, she won't get nearly the undivided attention that Loreli received, so do I want to break that chance to bond?
A ton of thoughts and questions went through my head and my mother was supportive of both continuing to attempt nursing and quitting. The more into the conversation we went the more my heart was telling me that this just wasn't meant to be. I decided to sleep on it and see how I felt in the morning with a more cool and level state of thinking. This certainly was starting to sound like someone completely different, not anything I would ever see myself doing.
I laid in bed for a little while before dozing off, Evalyn skin to skin wrapped against me and dreaming away. I thought about what will really be best for our family. I have to remember that any decision I make doesn't just affect me or Evalyn, it affects all of us. The stress and anxiety that this nursing issue was causing me was not something I wanted to continue on. It won't be long before I am left with both girls by myself and I won't have anyone to cup feed Evalyn if we are still working on latching. I also have to think about my other daughter. Just in three days of working with Evalyn to nurse, I was neglecting Loreli a great deal. I know that she doesn't know anything the wiser because she has had other people around to keep her occupied, but it is still something that bothered me.
In the end I weighed all of the points to both sides and decided that I am done attempting to nurse. It is heart breaking but at the same time not something I am sorry for. I am going to continue to pump breast milk and bottle feed it to Evalyn as long as my body will allow me to and when that is no longer an option, she will receive formula. The important thing is that she has received the collostrum and will receive at least some breast milk. I do not feel that I will lose bonding with my Lil Nugget because I am confident in my dedication as a mother and know that both of my girls will know they are very loved by me.
They say the breast is always best... but at what cost? I never thought I would be at the point I am right now. I've always either secretly or openly looked down on those who gave up or never tried to nurse. Now the show is on the other foot and I am seeing more of the other side. If Evalyn were my only child I would most certainly dedicate myself to nursing and not giving up, but I have a family to think of. I need to be the happiest me I can be in order to help my family go on. My mother made a good point- children will always make you modify your original plan. My father in law always says that happy children come from happy homes. Both are right and with that said, I Corinne Ryan do not think that breast is always best. I now realize that a happy mom and healthy baby are more important, no matter how you get to that point.
While at the hospital Evalyn began eating less and less. By the time we were discharged 48 hours after her birth she had lost 9 ounces in her weight and stopped latching on when I attempted to nurse her. The hospital gave us a special little cup to try to feed Evalyn when she wouldn't nurse so that she wouldn't get nipple confusion and would still get the food she needed. We found that the longer we were home, the more she refused to latch on to the breast and expected the cup when hungry.
When making my WIC appointment I mentioned the problem I was having getting Evalyn to latch on and was given contact information to a lactation specialist. I called the specialist right away and she gave me some great advice on trying to get Evalyn to eat more and latch on. I was definitely happy that there was still hope that I would be able to breastfeed my Lil Nugget.
The first night home was a little rocky with both girls waking each other up with their crying but the second night seemed like something out of a horror film. My mom spent the night and stayed in Loreli's room with her but Evalyn was up screaming from midnight until 5 am. With already having a great lack of sleep my husband and I both nearly lost it. To top it off I have not been taking any pain medication after giving birth because the specialist mentioned how it can affect Evalyn through my milk, so this added on to the frustration and anxiety.
With each feeding I was attempting to nurse Evalyn and then she would be cup fed by either my mom or husband. I decided that since she was getting more in her system and showing signs of gaining strength, I would attempt the "kangaroo" method with her and see if that would help her latch. All day on Sunday I had her wrapped skin to skin with me in our SleepyWrap. This proved to be a lot more draining than I expected.
I wasn't able to nap because of my cramping and each time Evalyn had to be fed I had to unwrap her, attempt to keep her in the wrap to conserve her body heat and nurse while I was over engorged and sore to the touch from my milk coming in. When nursing failed, I had to pump and have someone else feed her and then wrap her up all over again. After doing this all day I was completely and utterly drained... but then she latched on and nursed for two full feeding sessions. I felt like this really could be working.
My mom came back over to help us over night. My husband slept in the nursery this time to get up with Loreli when needed and my mom was going to sleep on the couch and help me only if I needed. The first feeding session came and I was extremely hopeful since we had made good progress, but Evalyn wanted nothing to do with latching on. This was the straw that broke the camels back for me.
I have always been pro-breastfeeding and always stressed the importance to my family and friends of the effects of breastfeeding and breast milk. The bonding experience alone is enough of an argument to nurse. I've also always told my friends to never give up in the first week, that it is going to be extremely difficult no matter what because of raging hormones and physical recovery from labor. Add to that sleep deprivation and getting to know your newborn and things can get very frustrating. I've always said not to give up, that if you give up in the first week that is just weak and selfish. Here I was not even five days into the experience and I was ready to throw in the towel.
I had an extremely long talk with my mom and cried my eyes out while weighing the options. In the back of my head I wonder if Evalyn will have more allergies or will she be as smart as Loreli if she doesn't get breast milk as long as she did? I realize there are thousands of babies who never receive even a drop of breast milk and they turn out just fine (my husband is a great example, he was always formula fed as a baby), but I want the absolute best for my children and feel that it is my responsibility to do everything in my power to make sure they have the best. Will I be able to bond with Evalyn as she is already losing one on one time by coming in as the second child, she won't get nearly the undivided attention that Loreli received, so do I want to break that chance to bond?
A ton of thoughts and questions went through my head and my mother was supportive of both continuing to attempt nursing and quitting. The more into the conversation we went the more my heart was telling me that this just wasn't meant to be. I decided to sleep on it and see how I felt in the morning with a more cool and level state of thinking. This certainly was starting to sound like someone completely different, not anything I would ever see myself doing.
I laid in bed for a little while before dozing off, Evalyn skin to skin wrapped against me and dreaming away. I thought about what will really be best for our family. I have to remember that any decision I make doesn't just affect me or Evalyn, it affects all of us. The stress and anxiety that this nursing issue was causing me was not something I wanted to continue on. It won't be long before I am left with both girls by myself and I won't have anyone to cup feed Evalyn if we are still working on latching. I also have to think about my other daughter. Just in three days of working with Evalyn to nurse, I was neglecting Loreli a great deal. I know that she doesn't know anything the wiser because she has had other people around to keep her occupied, but it is still something that bothered me.
In the end I weighed all of the points to both sides and decided that I am done attempting to nurse. It is heart breaking but at the same time not something I am sorry for. I am going to continue to pump breast milk and bottle feed it to Evalyn as long as my body will allow me to and when that is no longer an option, she will receive formula. The important thing is that she has received the collostrum and will receive at least some breast milk. I do not feel that I will lose bonding with my Lil Nugget because I am confident in my dedication as a mother and know that both of my girls will know they are very loved by me.
They say the breast is always best... but at what cost? I never thought I would be at the point I am right now. I've always either secretly or openly looked down on those who gave up or never tried to nurse. Now the show is on the other foot and I am seeing more of the other side. If Evalyn were my only child I would most certainly dedicate myself to nursing and not giving up, but I have a family to think of. I need to be the happiest me I can be in order to help my family go on. My mother made a good point- children will always make you modify your original plan. My father in law always says that happy children come from happy homes. Both are right and with that said, I Corinne Ryan do not think that breast is always best. I now realize that a happy mom and healthy baby are more important, no matter how you get to that point.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Life As You Know It Has Changed
Just two days ago on February 18th, 2011 my brother and his wife welcomed their first child into the world. Jordan Christopher Fredendall was born at 9:58 pm central time weighing 7 pounds, 9 ounces. Finally at the age of 34 (a few weeks shy of 35) my brother who has always wanted to have children is now a daddy. Unfortunately most of my family lives in Wisconsin which is about a good 14 hour drive from our home in New York but the blessings of technology and Facebook have made it possible for us here on the east coast to share in this wonderful event.
As each passing of a day brings me that much closer to the delivery of my second child I am starting to remember all of the little things about having a newborn that are so easy to forget. My brother posted on his Facebook page this morning that Jordan is eating like a monster and he thought he broke his thumb off while trying to change his clothes. I added to the post that once Jordan is running around like a maniac he will look back on these days and miss them terribly. My brother begs to differ on that one.
I remember when I first had Loreli the world felt like it changed forever. I was in a state of euphoria and yet a tornado of emotions. As we were being discharged from the hospital, the pediatrician told me he would like to see Loreli poop on average 5-6 times a day to completely rid any jaundice. We arrived home that night around 9 pm and we were all exhausted. My mom was staying the night to help us get adjusted and sleep.
In the first 24 hours of being home my child did not poop even once. There was a state of pure panic that rushed over me, as if this were life threatening to my child. We desperately attempted to get a hold of the pediatrician and after nearly 36 hours of no poop, the doctors office finally got back to us. "It's ok if she doesn't poop for up to a week at first, we just like to see them poop as much as possible. She is fine." With those reassuring words the Poop Scare of 2009 ended.
It doesn't matter if you have a P.H.D. or never finished high school, a newborn baby can stump and push anyone to their limits. You can prepare by going to the birthing and child classes, reading books and watching all of the television shows about bringing home a baby but there is absolutely nothing that can fully prepare you. Countless hours of trying to nurse or taking turns bottle feeding, what seems like a billion diaper changes in one day and keeping the baby clean and warm all may seem like no-brain tasks, but add a complete lack of sleep or energy and a surge of raging hormones to the mix and these simple tasks quickly turn into monumental events. Sleep deprivation most definitely will take a person to a different level of being.
When all is said and done, weeks go by and you settle into a routine. You know what each cry means and you begin to feel like you've got the parenting thing down. Then the weeks turn into months and before you know it a year has gone by. Your cute little newborn baby has grown into a beautiful and curious toddler who is constantly full of energy. The nights of snuggling with that whole baby's body on your chest are gone. The hours of holding her close and simply staring are but a dream.
I am sure that life with a newborn and a toddler will prove to have many funny and trying moments. I look forward to being further educated by my children on the craziness of life. Only a few more days...
As each passing of a day brings me that much closer to the delivery of my second child I am starting to remember all of the little things about having a newborn that are so easy to forget. My brother posted on his Facebook page this morning that Jordan is eating like a monster and he thought he broke his thumb off while trying to change his clothes. I added to the post that once Jordan is running around like a maniac he will look back on these days and miss them terribly. My brother begs to differ on that one.
I remember when I first had Loreli the world felt like it changed forever. I was in a state of euphoria and yet a tornado of emotions. As we were being discharged from the hospital, the pediatrician told me he would like to see Loreli poop on average 5-6 times a day to completely rid any jaundice. We arrived home that night around 9 pm and we were all exhausted. My mom was staying the night to help us get adjusted and sleep.
In the first 24 hours of being home my child did not poop even once. There was a state of pure panic that rushed over me, as if this were life threatening to my child. We desperately attempted to get a hold of the pediatrician and after nearly 36 hours of no poop, the doctors office finally got back to us. "It's ok if she doesn't poop for up to a week at first, we just like to see them poop as much as possible. She is fine." With those reassuring words the Poop Scare of 2009 ended.
It doesn't matter if you have a P.H.D. or never finished high school, a newborn baby can stump and push anyone to their limits. You can prepare by going to the birthing and child classes, reading books and watching all of the television shows about bringing home a baby but there is absolutely nothing that can fully prepare you. Countless hours of trying to nurse or taking turns bottle feeding, what seems like a billion diaper changes in one day and keeping the baby clean and warm all may seem like no-brain tasks, but add a complete lack of sleep or energy and a surge of raging hormones to the mix and these simple tasks quickly turn into monumental events. Sleep deprivation most definitely will take a person to a different level of being.
When all is said and done, weeks go by and you settle into a routine. You know what each cry means and you begin to feel like you've got the parenting thing down. Then the weeks turn into months and before you know it a year has gone by. Your cute little newborn baby has grown into a beautiful and curious toddler who is constantly full of energy. The nights of snuggling with that whole baby's body on your chest are gone. The hours of holding her close and simply staring are but a dream.
I am sure that life with a newborn and a toddler will prove to have many funny and trying moments. I look forward to being further educated by my children on the craziness of life. Only a few more days...
Friday, February 18, 2011
Listen To Your Body
I went to the doctor this past Monday for a scheduled NST (non-stress test) to monitor Evalyn's heart rate. My blood pressure was high and there was protein showing in my urine. Evalyn's heart rate was fine, no reason for concern there. The high blood pressure and protein had me sent to the hospital for further blood work. To top it off I had a sinus infection.
After a few hours in the hospital everything came back fine and my blood pressure had gone down but the doctor gave me strict orders to rest as much as possible and stay off of my feet. He said that he wasn't putting me on bed rest but close to it and that I needed to find someone to take care of Loreli during the days. This bummed me out because I absolutely love my time with Loreli while James is at work... especially when we cuddle for our naps. Thankfully both sets of parents were able to step up and trade days of taking care of our little toddler.
At first I found it very difficult to sit still. Having the house to myself for the first time in a long time made me want to clean and do all of the things I normally do but for once do it in silence! I was thankfully able to occupy myself with some crafts that I had wanted to do for the girls room but I still found it hard to be away from Loreli so much.
After a week of being sick and having time to myself, I was finally able to really relax today. I was feeling achy and a lot of pressure build up in my sinuses so I decided that today I most definitely needed to sit and do absolutely nothing. As I relaxed in my recliner with my favorite blanket and watched episodes of "A Baby Story," I looked down and saw my tummy rolling around. I ended up sitting there for close to an hour staring at my tummy and not paying attention to a thing around me.
As I watched the life inside me move from side to side and little feet bulge out against my skin, I took in the moment and really felt like I never wanted it to end. It took doctors orders and help from family to make me finally stop and soak in this pregnancy as a whole. I have been so busy trying to get the house clean and in order and taking care of Loreli every day that I really haven't had the chance to stop and appreciate this time with Evalyn. Any moment of quiet and rest in the last few weeks has been a chance to zonk out.
A friend of mine recently lost her baby nearly half way through her pregnancy and has been tortured with pain ever since. Here I was with life thriving inside me, healthy and almost ready to meet the world. Suddenly my physical pain was gone and all that I could feel throughout my entire body was love and happiness. Life with a toddler doesn't give you many chances to stop and smell the roses so today I am extremely thankful that I was given that chance. I've been so anxious to get this pregnancy over with and move on and now I don't want it to end!
After a few hours in the hospital everything came back fine and my blood pressure had gone down but the doctor gave me strict orders to rest as much as possible and stay off of my feet. He said that he wasn't putting me on bed rest but close to it and that I needed to find someone to take care of Loreli during the days. This bummed me out because I absolutely love my time with Loreli while James is at work... especially when we cuddle for our naps. Thankfully both sets of parents were able to step up and trade days of taking care of our little toddler.
At first I found it very difficult to sit still. Having the house to myself for the first time in a long time made me want to clean and do all of the things I normally do but for once do it in silence! I was thankfully able to occupy myself with some crafts that I had wanted to do for the girls room but I still found it hard to be away from Loreli so much.
After a week of being sick and having time to myself, I was finally able to really relax today. I was feeling achy and a lot of pressure build up in my sinuses so I decided that today I most definitely needed to sit and do absolutely nothing. As I relaxed in my recliner with my favorite blanket and watched episodes of "A Baby Story," I looked down and saw my tummy rolling around. I ended up sitting there for close to an hour staring at my tummy and not paying attention to a thing around me.
As I watched the life inside me move from side to side and little feet bulge out against my skin, I took in the moment and really felt like I never wanted it to end. It took doctors orders and help from family to make me finally stop and soak in this pregnancy as a whole. I have been so busy trying to get the house clean and in order and taking care of Loreli every day that I really haven't had the chance to stop and appreciate this time with Evalyn. Any moment of quiet and rest in the last few weeks has been a chance to zonk out.
A friend of mine recently lost her baby nearly half way through her pregnancy and has been tortured with pain ever since. Here I was with life thriving inside me, healthy and almost ready to meet the world. Suddenly my physical pain was gone and all that I could feel throughout my entire body was love and happiness. Life with a toddler doesn't give you many chances to stop and smell the roses so today I am extremely thankful that I was given that chance. I've been so anxious to get this pregnancy over with and move on and now I don't want it to end!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
My Name Is Corinne. I Am A Teen Mom Addict.
So I have a little secret. It's a little bit silly and probably a little obvious. My name is Corinne and I am addicted to MTV's show Teen Mom.
For me the initial draw into the 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom shows would be that I feel I can somehow relate. When watching 16 and Pregnant I imagine what it would have been like for me to continue my pregnancy at the age of 19. I also feel that I see so much of myself at that age and the relationship I was in. With the Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2 shows I find it interesting to watch how these young moms deal with motherhood and their lives in general. That being said I feel like I HAVE TO comment on tonight's episode of Teen Mom 2!!
First there is Janelle. This young lady is obviously a party girl. She openly admits to drinking and using marijuana, staying out whenever she wants for however long she wants and not having the tools mentally, physically or financially to raise her son. Her mother continually gives her a hard time and makes drama when it is not necessary. She complains to no end on how her daughter is a dead beat mother and is useless. HELLO?! Did you not raise this girl? Who do you have to blame but yourself?!
In tonight's episode Janelle buys her son a Powerwheels Four-Wheeler for his first birthday. Her mother completely bashes Janelle's efforts to think about and do something for her son by telling her she should return the present and buy a keepsake mug with her son's name on it. She continues her babble by adding that she never bought her children presents for Christmas or their birthdays when they were little because they wouldn't remember it. Are you serious lady!? What kind of selfish tight-wad doesn't buy their children presents for this occasion?! I can understand if finances were the issue and you were to do the best you could to make the event special... but to not do ANYTHING... because YOU don't WANT to?! Wow... just wow. Don't get me wrong, I am by no means standing up for Janelle because I agree that she is a crappy mother and a useless waste of space... but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how she became the way she is!
Now on to Chelsea. This girl is all sorts of Clueless and I seriously wonder if she has even one brain cell in that head or if the hair spray has completely done away with them all. The sad thing is that of all the girls on this season's cast, I feel like she reminds me the most of me at that age. This girl wears more make up in one day than I probably wear in a whole year (now that is). Chelsea's hair is constantly in a perfect up-do and dyed to perfection. She focuses most of her attention on her daughter and seems to be a very attentive mother but she has everything handed to her on a silver platter from her father.
Chelsea's only responsibility outside of caring for her daughter is to graduate high school and continue on to a higher education (it wasn't a surprise she chose beauty school), yet she allows the drama with her relationship and friendships to take over her life. This girl doesn't have a single bill to pay, she gets to play house everyday with her boyfriend and child and she still can't seem to find the time to study and do homework. Now Chelsea's boyfriend most definitely in every mental and verbal way is an exact replica of the guy I dated my senior year and the year after high school. He also doesn't have more than one brain cell. He manipulates the people around him like some sort of magician. He has done horrible things to Chelsea and still she takes him back time after time, allowing her family and friends to become zero on her list of priorities or cares. Is this chick ever going to wake up or does someone need to seriously slap the crap out of her?! HE IS A LOSER. HE WILL ALWAYS BE A LOSER. MOVE ON!!! When your father doesn't want to be in the house when he is there and your best friend moves out and stops talking to you... whether you actually physically did something or not... TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT IS AROUND YOU!
On this season of Teen Mom 2 there are two other mothers also being followed. For now I will keep my thoughts on Leah and Kailyn for another blog. I feel I've said my peace. Good night world!
For me the initial draw into the 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom shows would be that I feel I can somehow relate. When watching 16 and Pregnant I imagine what it would have been like for me to continue my pregnancy at the age of 19. I also feel that I see so much of myself at that age and the relationship I was in. With the Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2 shows I find it interesting to watch how these young moms deal with motherhood and their lives in general. That being said I feel like I HAVE TO comment on tonight's episode of Teen Mom 2!!
First there is Janelle. This young lady is obviously a party girl. She openly admits to drinking and using marijuana, staying out whenever she wants for however long she wants and not having the tools mentally, physically or financially to raise her son. Her mother continually gives her a hard time and makes drama when it is not necessary. She complains to no end on how her daughter is a dead beat mother and is useless. HELLO?! Did you not raise this girl? Who do you have to blame but yourself?!
In tonight's episode Janelle buys her son a Powerwheels Four-Wheeler for his first birthday. Her mother completely bashes Janelle's efforts to think about and do something for her son by telling her she should return the present and buy a keepsake mug with her son's name on it. She continues her babble by adding that she never bought her children presents for Christmas or their birthdays when they were little because they wouldn't remember it. Are you serious lady!? What kind of selfish tight-wad doesn't buy their children presents for this occasion?! I can understand if finances were the issue and you were to do the best you could to make the event special... but to not do ANYTHING... because YOU don't WANT to?! Wow... just wow. Don't get me wrong, I am by no means standing up for Janelle because I agree that she is a crappy mother and a useless waste of space... but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how she became the way she is!
Now on to Chelsea. This girl is all sorts of Clueless and I seriously wonder if she has even one brain cell in that head or if the hair spray has completely done away with them all. The sad thing is that of all the girls on this season's cast, I feel like she reminds me the most of me at that age. This girl wears more make up in one day than I probably wear in a whole year (now that is). Chelsea's hair is constantly in a perfect up-do and dyed to perfection. She focuses most of her attention on her daughter and seems to be a very attentive mother but she has everything handed to her on a silver platter from her father.
Chelsea's only responsibility outside of caring for her daughter is to graduate high school and continue on to a higher education (it wasn't a surprise she chose beauty school), yet she allows the drama with her relationship and friendships to take over her life. This girl doesn't have a single bill to pay, she gets to play house everyday with her boyfriend and child and she still can't seem to find the time to study and do homework. Now Chelsea's boyfriend most definitely in every mental and verbal way is an exact replica of the guy I dated my senior year and the year after high school. He also doesn't have more than one brain cell. He manipulates the people around him like some sort of magician. He has done horrible things to Chelsea and still she takes him back time after time, allowing her family and friends to become zero on her list of priorities or cares. Is this chick ever going to wake up or does someone need to seriously slap the crap out of her?! HE IS A LOSER. HE WILL ALWAYS BE A LOSER. MOVE ON!!! When your father doesn't want to be in the house when he is there and your best friend moves out and stops talking to you... whether you actually physically did something or not... TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT IS AROUND YOU!
On this season of Teen Mom 2 there are two other mothers also being followed. For now I will keep my thoughts on Leah and Kailyn for another blog. I feel I've said my peace. Good night world!
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