The last few years have been all about my girls (rightfully so) and we have spent every penny we possibly could on them! This year we finally will be able to give our girls a WONDERFUL Christmas and Birthday and ALSO give ourselves the same! Here's my wish list... not in any particular order... really intended for me and hubby but for anyone to enjoy :)
1) See Amazon "wish list"
2) Mary Kay NEW! Limited-Edition* Lashes Love It! Bundle
3) Mary Kay Mineral Eye Color Bundle Hypnotic Hazel
4) Mary Kay TimeWise® 3-In-1 Cleanser (normal to dry)
5) Mary Kay TimeWise Even Complexion Mask
6) Mary Kay Hydrating Freshener 1
7) Mary Kay Enriched Moisturizer 1
8) Mary Kay Satin Lips® Set (Mask and Balm)
9) Mary Kay Travel Roll-Up Bag (unfilled)
10) Mary Kay Mint Bliss™ Energizing Lotion for Feet & Legs
11) Mary Kay TimeWise Even Complexion Essence
12) Mary Kay Time Wise Night Solution
13) Arbonne SeaSource Detox Spa 7-Day Detox Renewal Program Set
14) Arbonne Daily Power Packs for Women
15) Arbonne FC5 Mattifying Powder
16) FC5 Mattifying Powder
17) Premier Designs Jewlery
18) Avenue clothing store gift card
19) Victoria's Secret store gift card
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Skyscraper
Last week I saw an interview on the E! channel with actress and singer Demi Lovato. I had never heard of her but was quickly captivated by her story. The former Disney starlit spoke of her battle with depression, bulimia and cutting. She was incredibly bold and descriptive about her experience of dealing with these issues in the spotlight.
Then I saw the new music video.
"Skyscraper." The song was recorded while Demi was actively destroying her body and her vocal cords were extremely weak. The song came out raspy and it was after her recovery in rehab that the song was re-recorded. With stronger vocal cords the song just didn't sound right. The original recording was kept for the single which was recently released. Demi explained in her interview that the original recording was like a cry for help.
I never personally experienced the illness of cutting but as many teenage girls do, I did dabble into eating disorders as a teen. Depression is a strong and manipulative evil. I believe I fell into the opposite of my teen eating disorder as I went into my adult years and began binge eating to cope with my emotions.
The lyrics to the song "Skyscraper" and the feeling in Demi's voice are two things I have not been able to let go of in the last week. I have played this song literally over and over. As a survivor of depression I feel an incredibly liberated when belting out these lyrics. I just wanted to share what they are. If you have been through tough times emotionally or physically, it seems this song can fit into so many different situations. I am very proud to say that today I am happy, satisfied and hungry for more out of life. I am thankful for the life I live and I cherish every single moment.
[Demi Lovato]
Skies are crying
I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence as it's ending, like we never had a chance
Do you have to, make me feel like there is nothing left of me?
[Chorus]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like i'm made of glass
Like i'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
[Demi Lovato]
As the smoke clears
I awaken, and untangle you from me
Would it make you, feel better to watch me while I bleed?
All my windows, still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet
[Chorus]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
[Bridge]
Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here
Watch you disappear, yeah
Go run, run, run
Yeah it's a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here
[Demi Lovato]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper, Oh
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
Then I saw the new music video.
"Skyscraper." The song was recorded while Demi was actively destroying her body and her vocal cords were extremely weak. The song came out raspy and it was after her recovery in rehab that the song was re-recorded. With stronger vocal cords the song just didn't sound right. The original recording was kept for the single which was recently released. Demi explained in her interview that the original recording was like a cry for help.
I never personally experienced the illness of cutting but as many teenage girls do, I did dabble into eating disorders as a teen. Depression is a strong and manipulative evil. I believe I fell into the opposite of my teen eating disorder as I went into my adult years and began binge eating to cope with my emotions.
The lyrics to the song "Skyscraper" and the feeling in Demi's voice are two things I have not been able to let go of in the last week. I have played this song literally over and over. As a survivor of depression I feel an incredibly liberated when belting out these lyrics. I just wanted to share what they are. If you have been through tough times emotionally or physically, it seems this song can fit into so many different situations. I am very proud to say that today I am happy, satisfied and hungry for more out of life. I am thankful for the life I live and I cherish every single moment.
[Demi Lovato]
Skies are crying
I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence as it's ending, like we never had a chance
Do you have to, make me feel like there is nothing left of me?
[Chorus]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like i'm made of glass
Like i'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
[Demi Lovato]
As the smoke clears
I awaken, and untangle you from me
Would it make you, feel better to watch me while I bleed?
All my windows, still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet
[Chorus]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
[Bridge]
Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here
Watch you disappear, yeah
Go run, run, run
Yeah it's a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here
[Demi Lovato]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper, Oh
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
Monday, June 13, 2011
The Baby Blues
As the due date for my second daughter approached, I was anxious, excited, ready to not be pregnant and more than ready to meet my beautiful little girl. Evalyn's birth was surreal. The entire labor and delivery felt like it was a dream, as if it were happening to somebody else. Alas my sweet little angel had arrived.
The first few days in the hospital were wonderful. By the end of our stay I was very much wanting to get back home to my first born and settle into life as a family of four. Evalyn lost 8 ounces of weight in her first two days. This is when things began to slip away. Upon arriving home, my newborn baby was too weak to breastfeed. I communicated with a consultant and had a ton of help from my mother, but in the end my baby did not have the strength to latch on.
For two weeks I pumped breastmilk for my little angel. I battled my sorrow over not being able to breastfeed and came to the realization that if Evalyn were my one and only child, there is no doubt I would work harder to the commitment of breastfeeding. Having two children to care for on my own (my husband returned to work one week after Evalyn's birth), I could not commit myself fully. This was the beginning of my "baby blues."
Having two children to care for on my own was an incredible adjustment. To top things off our financial situation took a hit when our tax return was delayed without even an estimation of a deposit date, all due to having to pay back the First Time Homebuyers Tax Credit. For the entirety of my pregnancy we were banking on receiving our return before Evalyn's arrival, knowing that would cover any bills I would be responsible for during maternity leave. I also had been laid off from my job two months before, so we desperately needed the money.
My husband and I both went through an incredibly hard time. We tried our best to smile in front of our toddler and newborn so as not to affect them or introduce negativity into their worlds. There were moments of weakness and tears but we managed to make the best of what we had at the time and keep the basics of what we all needed stocked. Seeing people around us buying big toys and spending frivolously in front of us added the occasional sting. We didn't want anyone to hold back their own happiness because of our situation so we did our best to keep our feelings to ourselves.
With everything that happened in such a small time span, I felt my emotions sinking deep and hard into negativity. I felt unconnected to my newborn and found myself thinking and feeling things I never could have imagined a mother to feel. At times I wished Evalyn had never existed. I wanted my happy family of three back. I wanted our lives to go back to the way things were. Other times I wanted to leave my whole family all together and just give up on the incredible responsibility of wife and mother. Sometimes I wanted to die.
I was in an extreme dark place. I went to the doctor for my six week check up and admitted my feelings. I was put on an extremely high dose of Zoloft. I took the pill for three days and was flying high as a kite the entire time. Sure I felt better emotionally because I wasn't feeling anything at all! I literally went to my brother-in-laws house, sat and spent time with everyone, left, came home and went to bed only to wake up the next day and not remember even a moment of the day before. That was the end of that. No way could I take care of two children by myself while on that medication. It was suggested I ask for a lower dose and work myself up. I decided just to stay away from it all together.
I can't pinpoint the exact moment it happened but one day I suddenly was overwhelmed with love for Evalyn. I don't think I'll ever feel the connection I did with my first born with Evalyn or any children who may come after, but I realized that I can love Evalyn in different ways. This feeling couldn't have come at a better time because when this happened, Evalyn began to spit up incredible amounts and was fussy 24/7.
After a few weeks of trying to figure out what was going on with our sweet little baby, we finally came to the conclusion that she has colic. Both my husband and I were at our wits end between her screaming and spitting up and then the negative effects this had on our toddler. A ton of bricks was lifted off our household when we found the solution to helping Evalyn. She still to this day has quite a few fussy days, but nothing like what we went through at first.
After caring for my colicky baby my patience and love were both tested to the extreme. I again felt like the mother I knew I always was. I again knew that motherhood was my calling. With exercise, eating healthier and a lot of love from my husband and mom, I was able to overcome all of my dark feelings.
When the darkness faded and I stepped back into the light, spring was nearly over and summer almost in full bloom. My toddler was learning more and more about the world around her each day and I couldn't stop photographing her. And then it hit me... I've loved photography my whole life, why not pursue it as a career?
With complete support from my parents and husband I enrolled in the New York Institute of Photography. I have slowly been building my equipment and prop collection. I am working hard on learning the world of professional photography.
As I now have something to call my "niche," I use it as an avenue to direct my attention to anytime depression creeps near. I've found that I can battle the darkness of the "baby blues" without medication. Love from my two girls, husband and parents... support from my family and friends... and something to keep my focus and attention on... that is all it took.
The first few days in the hospital were wonderful. By the end of our stay I was very much wanting to get back home to my first born and settle into life as a family of four. Evalyn lost 8 ounces of weight in her first two days. This is when things began to slip away. Upon arriving home, my newborn baby was too weak to breastfeed. I communicated with a consultant and had a ton of help from my mother, but in the end my baby did not have the strength to latch on.
For two weeks I pumped breastmilk for my little angel. I battled my sorrow over not being able to breastfeed and came to the realization that if Evalyn were my one and only child, there is no doubt I would work harder to the commitment of breastfeeding. Having two children to care for on my own (my husband returned to work one week after Evalyn's birth), I could not commit myself fully. This was the beginning of my "baby blues."
Having two children to care for on my own was an incredible adjustment. To top things off our financial situation took a hit when our tax return was delayed without even an estimation of a deposit date, all due to having to pay back the First Time Homebuyers Tax Credit. For the entirety of my pregnancy we were banking on receiving our return before Evalyn's arrival, knowing that would cover any bills I would be responsible for during maternity leave. I also had been laid off from my job two months before, so we desperately needed the money.
My husband and I both went through an incredibly hard time. We tried our best to smile in front of our toddler and newborn so as not to affect them or introduce negativity into their worlds. There were moments of weakness and tears but we managed to make the best of what we had at the time and keep the basics of what we all needed stocked. Seeing people around us buying big toys and spending frivolously in front of us added the occasional sting. We didn't want anyone to hold back their own happiness because of our situation so we did our best to keep our feelings to ourselves.
With everything that happened in such a small time span, I felt my emotions sinking deep and hard into negativity. I felt unconnected to my newborn and found myself thinking and feeling things I never could have imagined a mother to feel. At times I wished Evalyn had never existed. I wanted my happy family of three back. I wanted our lives to go back to the way things were. Other times I wanted to leave my whole family all together and just give up on the incredible responsibility of wife and mother. Sometimes I wanted to die.
I was in an extreme dark place. I went to the doctor for my six week check up and admitted my feelings. I was put on an extremely high dose of Zoloft. I took the pill for three days and was flying high as a kite the entire time. Sure I felt better emotionally because I wasn't feeling anything at all! I literally went to my brother-in-laws house, sat and spent time with everyone, left, came home and went to bed only to wake up the next day and not remember even a moment of the day before. That was the end of that. No way could I take care of two children by myself while on that medication. It was suggested I ask for a lower dose and work myself up. I decided just to stay away from it all together.
I can't pinpoint the exact moment it happened but one day I suddenly was overwhelmed with love for Evalyn. I don't think I'll ever feel the connection I did with my first born with Evalyn or any children who may come after, but I realized that I can love Evalyn in different ways. This feeling couldn't have come at a better time because when this happened, Evalyn began to spit up incredible amounts and was fussy 24/7.
After a few weeks of trying to figure out what was going on with our sweet little baby, we finally came to the conclusion that she has colic. Both my husband and I were at our wits end between her screaming and spitting up and then the negative effects this had on our toddler. A ton of bricks was lifted off our household when we found the solution to helping Evalyn. She still to this day has quite a few fussy days, but nothing like what we went through at first.
After caring for my colicky baby my patience and love were both tested to the extreme. I again felt like the mother I knew I always was. I again knew that motherhood was my calling. With exercise, eating healthier and a lot of love from my husband and mom, I was able to overcome all of my dark feelings.
When the darkness faded and I stepped back into the light, spring was nearly over and summer almost in full bloom. My toddler was learning more and more about the world around her each day and I couldn't stop photographing her. And then it hit me... I've loved photography my whole life, why not pursue it as a career?
With complete support from my parents and husband I enrolled in the New York Institute of Photography. I have slowly been building my equipment and prop collection. I am working hard on learning the world of professional photography.
As I now have something to call my "niche," I use it as an avenue to direct my attention to anytime depression creeps near. I've found that I can battle the darkness of the "baby blues" without medication. Love from my two girls, husband and parents... support from my family and friends... and something to keep my focus and attention on... that is all it took.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Love for my girls
The love between a parent and child is perhaps the greatest love there is. It is an unconditional love with so many different levels. Being a stay at home mother and having the luxury of being with my children all of the time can sometimes cause me to forget just how lucky I am to have them. Fortunate for me at least once a day one of my girls does something to give me a reminder of just how wonderful they make my life.
Both of my daughters are too young to say "I love you," still, but I find it so amazing that they find so many different ways to tell me. At times Evalyn will be in her swing or on the floor wiggling around and when she hears my voice or catches a glimpse of me I notice a small smile or grin. When she is fussy (not hungry) and wants to be held, as soon as I pick her up she calms right down. This shows me her love because with me she feels safe and knows that she too is loved.
With Loreli things are a bit different. She can express emotions and has her own way of talking, but has yet to get into deep conversations. Loreli expresses her love in so many different ways, whether she gives you her wide smile, showing all of her teeth and moving her cheeks so much her eyes close, or signing "I love you." Some nights Loreli will have "binge kiss" time, when she wants nothing to do but to kiss her father and I.
There are so many different ways my girls express themselves and fill my heart with joy. Love is the biggest and most incredible of them all.
Both of my daughters are too young to say "I love you," still, but I find it so amazing that they find so many different ways to tell me. At times Evalyn will be in her swing or on the floor wiggling around and when she hears my voice or catches a glimpse of me I notice a small smile or grin. When she is fussy (not hungry) and wants to be held, as soon as I pick her up she calms right down. This shows me her love because with me she feels safe and knows that she too is loved.
With Loreli things are a bit different. She can express emotions and has her own way of talking, but has yet to get into deep conversations. Loreli expresses her love in so many different ways, whether she gives you her wide smile, showing all of her teeth and moving her cheeks so much her eyes close, or signing "I love you." Some nights Loreli will have "binge kiss" time, when she wants nothing to do but to kiss her father and I.
There are so many different ways my girls express themselves and fill my heart with joy. Love is the biggest and most incredible of them all.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
True Love
You never really understand love until you have a child. Becoming a parent will test every relationship you have in life. Love between partners can either become stronger or dwindle and disappear. If the love is strong enough to make it through numerous nights of not sleeping, hormones raging and babies crying then you know it's a forever kind of love.
In the last few months my husband and I have been through quite a bit and I am extremely proud to say that today we are stronger as a couple and in our love. We have handled me being laid off from my second job in a year, giving birth to our second child in 14 months, being delayed in receiving our much anticipated and needed tax return, me going through postpartum depression, and a number of smaller events in such a short amount of time. The events we have faced in the last few months would be enough to break a person or a relationship, but we have come out stronger than ever.
I believe strongly that the presence of our children and love that we share for them are what keep our love for each other so strong. We take on each day together as a team whether the day is filled with endless screaming and tears or countless giggles and smiles. Knowing that we created these two wonderful human beings together and we spend each day working to give them the best life possible, and we do that as a team bonds us more and more each day.
When my husband and I first started dating we fell in love very quickly. We moved so fast through the life steps in our relationship (e.g. house, engagement, marriage, kids) that we didn't allow very much time to test our love and our commitment. When we first fell in love I would look at James and see the man of my dreams. Now when I look at James I see the father of my children, the provider of our family, my partner in parenting and in life.
James is no longer the man of my dreams but now my daily reality, the man of my life. Now when I look at him, I see the man who was with me every single step of the way through two pregnancies, who shared in my ups and downs. I see the man who delivered our child, who has never said no when I asked for help with late night feedings or overloaded stinky diapers. I see the man who has been my rock through times of financial difficulty, who has cried with me when it was necessary and dried my tears and picked me up when needed. When I look at the man I have devoted my life to I am proud to call him my husband.
I never really knew what love was until I had children. Having my two daughters has not only shown me true love towards my husband, it has also taught me the undying love a parent has for their child. With my oldest who is almost 16 months old, I am amazed daily by her ability to learn so fast. Every single day Loreli brightens my life whether she does it by saying a new word or spontaneously coming up with a new dance move, there is not one day that goes by that I am not fascinated by her complete love of life. Looking at Evalyn who is just shy of 2 months old fills my heart with complete happiness and love. Knowing what lays ahead for my girls, knowing that I brought these two amazing humans into the world and what they will experience... it completes me in every way.
After having Evalyn and experiencing some unexpected alterations in our plans and life, I began to notice that I was showing signs of postpartum depression. I was thinking things and feelings things I never thought or understood a mother and a wife could go through. It was an incredible struggle the first few weeks. My doctor put me on a very high dose of antidepressants, which made me like a zombie. I actually blacked out and could not remember events and things I'd said and done. Three days of that and I was done with the antidepressants. I realize that depression can be just as much chemical as it is physical, but I believe that every day I overcome the negative thinking and feeling through either exercise or being with my family. On my darkest and hardest days my husband and daughters have picked me up just with their smiles.
In the last few months my husband and I have been through quite a bit and I am extremely proud to say that today we are stronger as a couple and in our love. We have handled me being laid off from my second job in a year, giving birth to our second child in 14 months, being delayed in receiving our much anticipated and needed tax return, me going through postpartum depression, and a number of smaller events in such a short amount of time. The events we have faced in the last few months would be enough to break a person or a relationship, but we have come out stronger than ever.
I believe strongly that the presence of our children and love that we share for them are what keep our love for each other so strong. We take on each day together as a team whether the day is filled with endless screaming and tears or countless giggles and smiles. Knowing that we created these two wonderful human beings together and we spend each day working to give them the best life possible, and we do that as a team bonds us more and more each day.
When my husband and I first started dating we fell in love very quickly. We moved so fast through the life steps in our relationship (e.g. house, engagement, marriage, kids) that we didn't allow very much time to test our love and our commitment. When we first fell in love I would look at James and see the man of my dreams. Now when I look at James I see the father of my children, the provider of our family, my partner in parenting and in life.
James is no longer the man of my dreams but now my daily reality, the man of my life. Now when I look at him, I see the man who was with me every single step of the way through two pregnancies, who shared in my ups and downs. I see the man who delivered our child, who has never said no when I asked for help with late night feedings or overloaded stinky diapers. I see the man who has been my rock through times of financial difficulty, who has cried with me when it was necessary and dried my tears and picked me up when needed. When I look at the man I have devoted my life to I am proud to call him my husband.
I never really knew what love was until I had children. Having my two daughters has not only shown me true love towards my husband, it has also taught me the undying love a parent has for their child. With my oldest who is almost 16 months old, I am amazed daily by her ability to learn so fast. Every single day Loreli brightens my life whether she does it by saying a new word or spontaneously coming up with a new dance move, there is not one day that goes by that I am not fascinated by her complete love of life. Looking at Evalyn who is just shy of 2 months old fills my heart with complete happiness and love. Knowing what lays ahead for my girls, knowing that I brought these two amazing humans into the world and what they will experience... it completes me in every way.
After having Evalyn and experiencing some unexpected alterations in our plans and life, I began to notice that I was showing signs of postpartum depression. I was thinking things and feelings things I never thought or understood a mother and a wife could go through. It was an incredible struggle the first few weeks. My doctor put me on a very high dose of antidepressants, which made me like a zombie. I actually blacked out and could not remember events and things I'd said and done. Three days of that and I was done with the antidepressants. I realize that depression can be just as much chemical as it is physical, but I believe that every day I overcome the negative thinking and feeling through either exercise or being with my family. On my darkest and hardest days my husband and daughters have picked me up just with their smiles.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Let Me Tell You About My Day...
My husband and I have a 15 month old toddler named Loreli and a one month old baby named Evalyn. We have started switching off nights with Evalyn and this way we both get sleep... eventually. Last night was my night to sleep in and when my husband, James woke me up this morning I felt as if I had just gone to bed. I was groggy and probably could have slept another ten or more hours.
My husband was quickly out the door to head off to work and Loreli had just woken up and was in her high chair enjoying a blueberry muffin. Loreli sat in her chair just long enough for me to wash the dishes that were in the sink and clean up her mess of muffin crumbs. We then started our morning with a nice, funny baby talk session. I sat in the recliner with Evalyn in my left arm and Loreli on my lap. Loreli insisted on taking her pajamas off (as usual)and put on her wonderful charm while I videotaped her on the IPod. This was the end of my wonderful morning.
After a nice babble session with the girls I received a phone call from the supervisor of our tax advocate. I could go on and on about this subject and this phone call but I'll save that for another blog. Needless to say I didn't receive good news about the status of our tax return and I was pretty upset about it. Evalyn was extremely alert and wiggly so I laid out her blanket on top of her play mat and put her down. Loreli usually likes to play with her little sister's toes and hands and kiss her a bunch but today she decided she wanted to try to step on her and be naughty. After a few attempts of telling her no I finally settled on a spanking, which I hardly ever do.
The morning continued with Evalyn being extremely fussy and both girls wanting me to hold them. Of course I can only hold Evalyn when I'm feeding her and the girl wanted to eat nearly every half hour for three hours and Loreli is still not okay with being told no to being held when her sister is. It was a morning of crying, screaming, biting and headaches. At noon I decided Loreli needed a nap since she was showing many signs of being tired. Evalyn started crying every single time Loreli was just falling asleep for an hour and a half straight. When I finally got Loreli to sleep and put into her bed Evalyn was in full fledged scream mode and needed to be fed again. Loreli slept for two hours. It seemed as if the only way to keep Evalyn quiet was to hold her close and rub her back. Every time I thought that she was fast asleep and I tried closing my eyes she would cry again.
**HERE IS WHERE IT GETS CRAZY**
After two hours of napping Loreli woke up and was ready to get out of bed. Evalyn was still fussy so I put Loreli in her high chair, got her lunch together and fed her all while snuggling Evalyn close. Loreli thought it would be more fun to throw and spit the food in my face instead of eating it. After a while I gave up on giving Loreli lunch and put a handful of her crunchy snacks in her snack cup. Just when my lunch was ready to eat of course Miss Evalyn was also ready to eat again. I set my food next to my recliner and gave Evalyn a bottle. Loreli decided to stand near the entrance to the kitchen and whine. I tried to give her a drink... she didn't want it. I tried to give her another snack... she didn't want it. Eventually I gave up and ignored the tantrum and Loreli got the hint and started playing.
As I was feeding Evalyn I looked over to Loreli standing and bouncing on the couch, snack cup in one hand, a handful of crunches in the other. I look down and there are crunches all over the couch... in a puddle of poop that was running from Loreli's (Miss Needs To Be Naked All The Time) diaper, down her leg, all over her feet and smushed into the couch. Evalyn was mid-gulp on her bottle when I quickly plopped her into her swing, grabbed Loreli holding her at arms length and ran her into the bathroom and into the tub. As I tried to wash the poop off of her as fast as possible Loreli tried to play in it as much as possible. When I finally got Loreli clean and a new diaper on I wiped down the couch the best I could and went on to feeding Evalyn, who had been screaming the whole time I was tending to Loreli.
At this point in the day I was ready to run out of the house screaming and guzzle a whole bottle of wine! I thought there was no possible way the day could get any worse... and then as I'm finishing Evalyn's feeding Loreli rips off her diaper, grabs her blanket and runs into her Cozy Coupe... and pees. I sat in the recliner with Evalyn in my arms and just stared. All I could think was, "There is no way that just happened."
I cleaned up the Cozy Coupe, Loreli and got her into a new diaper. I scarfed down my lunch as fast as possible, got Evalyn some gas drops and rocked her until my mom came over. Evalyn was dead asleep during my moms visit and Loreli played and giggled the whole time. My mom left and there was only about half an hour until my husband was expected to walk through the door. I got up and went into the nursery to change Evalyn when all of a sudden I hear a loud noise in the kitchen. Loreli had reached and grabbed her can of crunches from the table, opened the can and 75% of it was sprawled across the kitchen floor. I finished changing Evalyn, made a new bottle for her, shrugged my shoulders and left Loreli to eat off the floor.
Let's just say that when my husband finally walked through the door around 7:20 pm I was more than happy to toss the girls his way. Thankfully he decided to give me a break and take the girls to his parents house for a little while. I can see one of the events from today happening but all of them at once... it was like being in a movie. At the end of the day all I can do is laugh.
My husband was quickly out the door to head off to work and Loreli had just woken up and was in her high chair enjoying a blueberry muffin. Loreli sat in her chair just long enough for me to wash the dishes that were in the sink and clean up her mess of muffin crumbs. We then started our morning with a nice, funny baby talk session. I sat in the recliner with Evalyn in my left arm and Loreli on my lap. Loreli insisted on taking her pajamas off (as usual)and put on her wonderful charm while I videotaped her on the IPod. This was the end of my wonderful morning.
After a nice babble session with the girls I received a phone call from the supervisor of our tax advocate. I could go on and on about this subject and this phone call but I'll save that for another blog. Needless to say I didn't receive good news about the status of our tax return and I was pretty upset about it. Evalyn was extremely alert and wiggly so I laid out her blanket on top of her play mat and put her down. Loreli usually likes to play with her little sister's toes and hands and kiss her a bunch but today she decided she wanted to try to step on her and be naughty. After a few attempts of telling her no I finally settled on a spanking, which I hardly ever do.
The morning continued with Evalyn being extremely fussy and both girls wanting me to hold them. Of course I can only hold Evalyn when I'm feeding her and the girl wanted to eat nearly every half hour for three hours and Loreli is still not okay with being told no to being held when her sister is. It was a morning of crying, screaming, biting and headaches. At noon I decided Loreli needed a nap since she was showing many signs of being tired. Evalyn started crying every single time Loreli was just falling asleep for an hour and a half straight. When I finally got Loreli to sleep and put into her bed Evalyn was in full fledged scream mode and needed to be fed again. Loreli slept for two hours. It seemed as if the only way to keep Evalyn quiet was to hold her close and rub her back. Every time I thought that she was fast asleep and I tried closing my eyes she would cry again.
**HERE IS WHERE IT GETS CRAZY**
After two hours of napping Loreli woke up and was ready to get out of bed. Evalyn was still fussy so I put Loreli in her high chair, got her lunch together and fed her all while snuggling Evalyn close. Loreli thought it would be more fun to throw and spit the food in my face instead of eating it. After a while I gave up on giving Loreli lunch and put a handful of her crunchy snacks in her snack cup. Just when my lunch was ready to eat of course Miss Evalyn was also ready to eat again. I set my food next to my recliner and gave Evalyn a bottle. Loreli decided to stand near the entrance to the kitchen and whine. I tried to give her a drink... she didn't want it. I tried to give her another snack... she didn't want it. Eventually I gave up and ignored the tantrum and Loreli got the hint and started playing.
As I was feeding Evalyn I looked over to Loreli standing and bouncing on the couch, snack cup in one hand, a handful of crunches in the other. I look down and there are crunches all over the couch... in a puddle of poop that was running from Loreli's (Miss Needs To Be Naked All The Time) diaper, down her leg, all over her feet and smushed into the couch. Evalyn was mid-gulp on her bottle when I quickly plopped her into her swing, grabbed Loreli holding her at arms length and ran her into the bathroom and into the tub. As I tried to wash the poop off of her as fast as possible Loreli tried to play in it as much as possible. When I finally got Loreli clean and a new diaper on I wiped down the couch the best I could and went on to feeding Evalyn, who had been screaming the whole time I was tending to Loreli.
At this point in the day I was ready to run out of the house screaming and guzzle a whole bottle of wine! I thought there was no possible way the day could get any worse... and then as I'm finishing Evalyn's feeding Loreli rips off her diaper, grabs her blanket and runs into her Cozy Coupe... and pees. I sat in the recliner with Evalyn in my arms and just stared. All I could think was, "There is no way that just happened."
I cleaned up the Cozy Coupe, Loreli and got her into a new diaper. I scarfed down my lunch as fast as possible, got Evalyn some gas drops and rocked her until my mom came over. Evalyn was dead asleep during my moms visit and Loreli played and giggled the whole time. My mom left and there was only about half an hour until my husband was expected to walk through the door. I got up and went into the nursery to change Evalyn when all of a sudden I hear a loud noise in the kitchen. Loreli had reached and grabbed her can of crunches from the table, opened the can and 75% of it was sprawled across the kitchen floor. I finished changing Evalyn, made a new bottle for her, shrugged my shoulders and left Loreli to eat off the floor.
Let's just say that when my husband finally walked through the door around 7:20 pm I was more than happy to toss the girls his way. Thankfully he decided to give me a break and take the girls to his parents house for a little while. I can see one of the events from today happening but all of them at once... it was like being in a movie. At the end of the day all I can do is laugh.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Is Breast Always Best?
We recently welcomed into the world our second daughter, Evalyn Rae. I was induced at 39 weeks 2 days pregnant due to Evalyn's low weight gain. Thankfully she is a completely healthy, though very tiny baby. Our first daughter was quite the chunker when she was born and took to breast feeding right away. Loreli never had problems latching and ate like a pig! Unfortunately this has not been the case for our little Evalyn.
While at the hospital Evalyn began eating less and less. By the time we were discharged 48 hours after her birth she had lost 9 ounces in her weight and stopped latching on when I attempted to nurse her. The hospital gave us a special little cup to try to feed Evalyn when she wouldn't nurse so that she wouldn't get nipple confusion and would still get the food she needed. We found that the longer we were home, the more she refused to latch on to the breast and expected the cup when hungry.
When making my WIC appointment I mentioned the problem I was having getting Evalyn to latch on and was given contact information to a lactation specialist. I called the specialist right away and she gave me some great advice on trying to get Evalyn to eat more and latch on. I was definitely happy that there was still hope that I would be able to breastfeed my Lil Nugget.
The first night home was a little rocky with both girls waking each other up with their crying but the second night seemed like something out of a horror film. My mom spent the night and stayed in Loreli's room with her but Evalyn was up screaming from midnight until 5 am. With already having a great lack of sleep my husband and I both nearly lost it. To top it off I have not been taking any pain medication after giving birth because the specialist mentioned how it can affect Evalyn through my milk, so this added on to the frustration and anxiety.
With each feeding I was attempting to nurse Evalyn and then she would be cup fed by either my mom or husband. I decided that since she was getting more in her system and showing signs of gaining strength, I would attempt the "kangaroo" method with her and see if that would help her latch. All day on Sunday I had her wrapped skin to skin with me in our SleepyWrap. This proved to be a lot more draining than I expected.
I wasn't able to nap because of my cramping and each time Evalyn had to be fed I had to unwrap her, attempt to keep her in the wrap to conserve her body heat and nurse while I was over engorged and sore to the touch from my milk coming in. When nursing failed, I had to pump and have someone else feed her and then wrap her up all over again. After doing this all day I was completely and utterly drained... but then she latched on and nursed for two full feeding sessions. I felt like this really could be working.
My mom came back over to help us over night. My husband slept in the nursery this time to get up with Loreli when needed and my mom was going to sleep on the couch and help me only if I needed. The first feeding session came and I was extremely hopeful since we had made good progress, but Evalyn wanted nothing to do with latching on. This was the straw that broke the camels back for me.
I have always been pro-breastfeeding and always stressed the importance to my family and friends of the effects of breastfeeding and breast milk. The bonding experience alone is enough of an argument to nurse. I've also always told my friends to never give up in the first week, that it is going to be extremely difficult no matter what because of raging hormones and physical recovery from labor. Add to that sleep deprivation and getting to know your newborn and things can get very frustrating. I've always said not to give up, that if you give up in the first week that is just weak and selfish. Here I was not even five days into the experience and I was ready to throw in the towel.
I had an extremely long talk with my mom and cried my eyes out while weighing the options. In the back of my head I wonder if Evalyn will have more allergies or will she be as smart as Loreli if she doesn't get breast milk as long as she did? I realize there are thousands of babies who never receive even a drop of breast milk and they turn out just fine (my husband is a great example, he was always formula fed as a baby), but I want the absolute best for my children and feel that it is my responsibility to do everything in my power to make sure they have the best. Will I be able to bond with Evalyn as she is already losing one on one time by coming in as the second child, she won't get nearly the undivided attention that Loreli received, so do I want to break that chance to bond?
A ton of thoughts and questions went through my head and my mother was supportive of both continuing to attempt nursing and quitting. The more into the conversation we went the more my heart was telling me that this just wasn't meant to be. I decided to sleep on it and see how I felt in the morning with a more cool and level state of thinking. This certainly was starting to sound like someone completely different, not anything I would ever see myself doing.
I laid in bed for a little while before dozing off, Evalyn skin to skin wrapped against me and dreaming away. I thought about what will really be best for our family. I have to remember that any decision I make doesn't just affect me or Evalyn, it affects all of us. The stress and anxiety that this nursing issue was causing me was not something I wanted to continue on. It won't be long before I am left with both girls by myself and I won't have anyone to cup feed Evalyn if we are still working on latching. I also have to think about my other daughter. Just in three days of working with Evalyn to nurse, I was neglecting Loreli a great deal. I know that she doesn't know anything the wiser because she has had other people around to keep her occupied, but it is still something that bothered me.
In the end I weighed all of the points to both sides and decided that I am done attempting to nurse. It is heart breaking but at the same time not something I am sorry for. I am going to continue to pump breast milk and bottle feed it to Evalyn as long as my body will allow me to and when that is no longer an option, she will receive formula. The important thing is that she has received the collostrum and will receive at least some breast milk. I do not feel that I will lose bonding with my Lil Nugget because I am confident in my dedication as a mother and know that both of my girls will know they are very loved by me.
They say the breast is always best... but at what cost? I never thought I would be at the point I am right now. I've always either secretly or openly looked down on those who gave up or never tried to nurse. Now the show is on the other foot and I am seeing more of the other side. If Evalyn were my only child I would most certainly dedicate myself to nursing and not giving up, but I have a family to think of. I need to be the happiest me I can be in order to help my family go on. My mother made a good point- children will always make you modify your original plan. My father in law always says that happy children come from happy homes. Both are right and with that said, I Corinne Ryan do not think that breast is always best. I now realize that a happy mom and healthy baby are more important, no matter how you get to that point.
While at the hospital Evalyn began eating less and less. By the time we were discharged 48 hours after her birth she had lost 9 ounces in her weight and stopped latching on when I attempted to nurse her. The hospital gave us a special little cup to try to feed Evalyn when she wouldn't nurse so that she wouldn't get nipple confusion and would still get the food she needed. We found that the longer we were home, the more she refused to latch on to the breast and expected the cup when hungry.
When making my WIC appointment I mentioned the problem I was having getting Evalyn to latch on and was given contact information to a lactation specialist. I called the specialist right away and she gave me some great advice on trying to get Evalyn to eat more and latch on. I was definitely happy that there was still hope that I would be able to breastfeed my Lil Nugget.
The first night home was a little rocky with both girls waking each other up with their crying but the second night seemed like something out of a horror film. My mom spent the night and stayed in Loreli's room with her but Evalyn was up screaming from midnight until 5 am. With already having a great lack of sleep my husband and I both nearly lost it. To top it off I have not been taking any pain medication after giving birth because the specialist mentioned how it can affect Evalyn through my milk, so this added on to the frustration and anxiety.
With each feeding I was attempting to nurse Evalyn and then she would be cup fed by either my mom or husband. I decided that since she was getting more in her system and showing signs of gaining strength, I would attempt the "kangaroo" method with her and see if that would help her latch. All day on Sunday I had her wrapped skin to skin with me in our SleepyWrap. This proved to be a lot more draining than I expected.
I wasn't able to nap because of my cramping and each time Evalyn had to be fed I had to unwrap her, attempt to keep her in the wrap to conserve her body heat and nurse while I was over engorged and sore to the touch from my milk coming in. When nursing failed, I had to pump and have someone else feed her and then wrap her up all over again. After doing this all day I was completely and utterly drained... but then she latched on and nursed for two full feeding sessions. I felt like this really could be working.
My mom came back over to help us over night. My husband slept in the nursery this time to get up with Loreli when needed and my mom was going to sleep on the couch and help me only if I needed. The first feeding session came and I was extremely hopeful since we had made good progress, but Evalyn wanted nothing to do with latching on. This was the straw that broke the camels back for me.
I have always been pro-breastfeeding and always stressed the importance to my family and friends of the effects of breastfeeding and breast milk. The bonding experience alone is enough of an argument to nurse. I've also always told my friends to never give up in the first week, that it is going to be extremely difficult no matter what because of raging hormones and physical recovery from labor. Add to that sleep deprivation and getting to know your newborn and things can get very frustrating. I've always said not to give up, that if you give up in the first week that is just weak and selfish. Here I was not even five days into the experience and I was ready to throw in the towel.
I had an extremely long talk with my mom and cried my eyes out while weighing the options. In the back of my head I wonder if Evalyn will have more allergies or will she be as smart as Loreli if she doesn't get breast milk as long as she did? I realize there are thousands of babies who never receive even a drop of breast milk and they turn out just fine (my husband is a great example, he was always formula fed as a baby), but I want the absolute best for my children and feel that it is my responsibility to do everything in my power to make sure they have the best. Will I be able to bond with Evalyn as she is already losing one on one time by coming in as the second child, she won't get nearly the undivided attention that Loreli received, so do I want to break that chance to bond?
A ton of thoughts and questions went through my head and my mother was supportive of both continuing to attempt nursing and quitting. The more into the conversation we went the more my heart was telling me that this just wasn't meant to be. I decided to sleep on it and see how I felt in the morning with a more cool and level state of thinking. This certainly was starting to sound like someone completely different, not anything I would ever see myself doing.
I laid in bed for a little while before dozing off, Evalyn skin to skin wrapped against me and dreaming away. I thought about what will really be best for our family. I have to remember that any decision I make doesn't just affect me or Evalyn, it affects all of us. The stress and anxiety that this nursing issue was causing me was not something I wanted to continue on. It won't be long before I am left with both girls by myself and I won't have anyone to cup feed Evalyn if we are still working on latching. I also have to think about my other daughter. Just in three days of working with Evalyn to nurse, I was neglecting Loreli a great deal. I know that she doesn't know anything the wiser because she has had other people around to keep her occupied, but it is still something that bothered me.
In the end I weighed all of the points to both sides and decided that I am done attempting to nurse. It is heart breaking but at the same time not something I am sorry for. I am going to continue to pump breast milk and bottle feed it to Evalyn as long as my body will allow me to and when that is no longer an option, she will receive formula. The important thing is that she has received the collostrum and will receive at least some breast milk. I do not feel that I will lose bonding with my Lil Nugget because I am confident in my dedication as a mother and know that both of my girls will know they are very loved by me.
They say the breast is always best... but at what cost? I never thought I would be at the point I am right now. I've always either secretly or openly looked down on those who gave up or never tried to nurse. Now the show is on the other foot and I am seeing more of the other side. If Evalyn were my only child I would most certainly dedicate myself to nursing and not giving up, but I have a family to think of. I need to be the happiest me I can be in order to help my family go on. My mother made a good point- children will always make you modify your original plan. My father in law always says that happy children come from happy homes. Both are right and with that said, I Corinne Ryan do not think that breast is always best. I now realize that a happy mom and healthy baby are more important, no matter how you get to that point.
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