I have now been working full time at my job for a month. I thought that by now I would be ok with leaving the girls but it seems as if it gets harder and harder each week. I spent the better part of yesterday and this morning crying because I don't want to leave them today. We had such an amazing weekend with our babies. It was the first weekend in probably two months that we actually spent as a family just the four of us (with the exception of a brief outing with my mom :).
To think now that I was jealous of my husband having somewhere to go to get away from this house and now I'm crying just at the thought of leaving for 10 hours...
I'm finding myself spending time in the morning cleaning and getting myself ready (so I look halfway decent) rather than spending time with my kids. By the time we are done working they are passed out and ready for bed. For a good part of the last few weeks after James returned from Texas and I started going to work full time, Loreli wanted nothing to do with me and wouldn't let James out of her sight. She would even bite me, scream and kick just when I tried to cuddle with her. After spending this weekend together we are back to cuddling and playing and I don't want to let go of that. I feel like such a sob but just typing that makes me start crying again.
James is such a wonderful husband and remains by my side, telling me it's my choice to work and he will stick by me in whatever I choose to do. I know in my gut I need to pay off my debt the right way instead of filing bankruptcy. There is a little voice in my head telling me it would all be ok and be over with so quickly and I could just be with my babies all day long. The voice of reason weighs much more heavily and I know I need to do what is right.
Be careful what you wish for... you just might get it.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
A new chapter
As I am no longer a "housewife" and I am now working a full time job and still in the process of building my own photography business, I have changed the name of the blog from "Ramblings of a housewife" to "Ramblings of a working mom."
As I am in the midst of yet another major life change, I need to take a few moments to reflect on how I came to the decision to work full time. In April of 2010 I was fired from my full time job at a law firm. Loreli was four months old at the time and due to a last minute change in child care, I was unable to work my set schedule for a few weeks as we prepared for and looked into child care alternatives. I was in an incredibly negative work atmosphere and had experienced nothing but struggle from the moment I returned from maternity leave. Most of the conflict involved me pumping breast milk at work and my colleagues AND boss being uncomfortable and/or against it. Needless to say I didn't look at losing that job as a complete loss.
A few months later I found myself in a temporary part time job surrounded by people who were fun and enjoying life. For the most part I really enjoyed that job but it was a temp job which forever promised to become permanent and never did. Even though I was working and we weren't paying for child care at the time, I found myself for the first time in a position which I was unable to pay all of my bills. We made sure all of the household bills were paid and the "important" expenses we needed to be paid were but all of my personal credit card and medical debt went ignored and pushed to the side.
With the discovery of another baby on the way my personal debt became less and less important. There were collection calls and notices being made and even a few family members received embarrassing information but I put aside my pride in those few situations and tried to concentrate on what was really my main focus... my family.
Two months before Evalyn was born I was laid off from my part time temp job. I can't say it was a complete surprise but it was one of those things you have a big sign in front of you warning you about but you don't want to see it. When it actually happened reality set in and the "o shit" feeling came into focus.
Though the financial loss of my part time job hit us hard, we knew we were expecting our tax return in just a few short weeks so we held our breath so to say knowing we would be able to use that to pay a few months of bills. We also had yet to buy anything for the new baby. Everyone figured since we had just had a child we must have everything we needed and for the most part that would be a correct statement, but we didn't have a crib or a double stroller or a few other things I felt were really important for Evalyn's arrival. People can tell a pregnant mother until their blue in the face that everything will be "ok" and that you have the "essentials" but any woman has been pregnant and experienced "nesting" will vouch that the feeling of being unprepared weighs heavily.
Evalyn arrived and I quickly concentrated solely on my motherly duties. Struggling with breastfeeding and multi-tasking a toddler and baby were things I really needed to focus my attention on rather than what bill collector was calling for the millionth time. When Evalyn was two months old her demeanor and health took a turn and looking back at that time I can only describe it as a nightmare. No, my child has not ever suffered from a life threatening or debilitating disease or injury and yes, colic and acid reflux are extremely common, but I had had what seems like the most perfect and healthy child as my first born and to experience these things and not know what was going on with my child for so long was stressful to say the least.
I spent a few months concentrating solely on finding ways to make my baby comfortable and happy. I tried my best to find time to make sure my oldest was receiving the attention and education she needed at her age. During this time of concentrating so hard on my children I really started to lose myself.
During this time of Evalyn's arrival and the first few months of life we struggled incredibly financially. We found out that our tax return was not going to come before Evalyn was born as we had been banking on and there was a delay with everyone who had to pay back the "First Time Homebuyers Tax Credit." There were thousands of people affected by this minor glitch in the IRS computer system and man did we feel the burn. We borrowed money just to keep our electric on and heat in our home. We applied for HEAP which helped a great much and borrowed money for groceries, gas, car and insurance payments. Meanwhile most everyone around us was enjoying the luxuries of their recent purchases because unlike us, they weren't banking on that money just to get by.
The beginning of 2012 was an incredible rollar coaster both financially and emotionally. When we finally did receive our tax return we used what very little was left after paying bills and paying back money we borrowed to go out to the MidWest and visit my family. We probably should have used it for future bills or put in savings for another possible crisis but we really really needed that short little break from our day to day lives. The vacation not only allowed the girls to meet the majority of my side of the family but it also brought us the presence and influence of such positive people. It also brought us back to appreciating our little family and the love we have.
When we returned home I decided I needed to do something, anything even if it were one day a week for just a few hours that was separate from my family. I needed to find myself again and come back to enjoying my talents. I enrolled in a photography course and started my own business. This was a wonderful decision and I was so incredibly surprised with complete support from my parents and husband.
A few months into my photography business and I found that I really have a knack for the business, but I wasn't bringing in the type of income even worth claiming, much less that would pay any of my debt. Collectors were calling so often that I turned the house phone to silent so I just wouldn't have to deal with them day in and day out. It was towards the end of summer that I was "served" papers stating that one of the credit card companies was going to sue me. When I called I was informed they were in the process of taking action to put a lien on our home since we didn't have the income to pay back the debt and I didn't have a full time job which my wages could be garnished from. Here came the "o shit" feeling again.
After Evalyn was born the main reason I did not go back to work was because we had determined that I would need to start at a certain rate in order for it to be worth me working. With me working we would no longer qualify for HEAP or WIC, we would have to pay child care full time for two children and after all of that was said and done, I would need to make a profit and be able to pay my debt. There just weren't jobs around us offering the amount I needed so I stayed home. Shortly after I was "served" the papers, I started contacting lawyers regarding filing for bankruptcy.
I spoke with a few lawyers and found one I was really comfortable with. I sent them what seemed like a series of books with all of my debt information and we set up a payment plan. I struggled very much with this decision because I've never been one to give up on anything but the reality was that I had obviously given up a long time ago or things wouldn't have gotten to this. At this point I just wanted the debt gone, the collectors to stop harassing me and my family and to move on from the situation.
The next month we found out my husbands income was going to increase to the point that we no longer needed to worry how we were going to put gas in the car each week, we no longer had to scrape together just to buy a relative or friend a birthday present... we were finally going to be "comfortable" enough financially that we wouldn't be holding our breath starting the day after a pay check was received until the next one came.
I then found out that the place where my husband works was also hiring at a rate that would fit perfect into what we needed. My husband could now take care of all of the main expenses and with this new job, I could fully pay for full time child care and pay off my debt. But then the decision was... do I want to leave my children and go back to work? I now struggled daily with this decision and constantly went back and forth. I put in my application and went through the interview first just to see if the question was one to even ponder.
As I waited for a call I still went back and forth and eventually decided that I did not want to leave my girls, I wanted to be home with them. But this meant I most definitely had to file bankruptcy. My husbands increase in pay was enough to keep us comfortably stable day to day but not enough to pay back all of the debt that I had accrued. Filing bankruptcy meant that in a year or two when we go to put our house up for sale, the lenders would see not only all of my late credit reporting but also that I had just given up and surrendered. This would most definitely affect our chances at getting our dream home.
Finally when the call came offering me the full time position, I went with my gut and I took it. I decided in the long run not to take the easy way out and to pay back what had been given to me, if not for the credit building and the future home prospect then at least for the simple value of paying what was loaned to me.
When I accepted the position to go back to work full time, I was over my head with stress of being home day in and day out. I felt completely disconnected from the world and longed for day to day adult connection and interaction. I envied my husband for having a place to go 5 days a week where he could be without children screaming and hanging on him, without household chores and talk with other adults.
When I accepted the new job I not only was thinking of the financial benefits but I also was yearning for the feeling of being useful and using my brain again. I was yearning for a break from being mommy 24/7.
During my last week at home my husband was sent to Texas for work. I quickly realized how much he really helps out around the house and though I got small breaks from the kids with him home, I realized how much those breaks kept me going. By the time my first day of work came around I was all but jumping up and down and cheering to drop the girls off and go into my new workplace. The beginning of my first week was wonderful! I saw a ton of faces I hadn't seen since I had left three years prior and was seeing a lot of screens and information I had known for so long but hadn't given a thought to in forever. I felt confident, I felt renewed. I felt useful.
At the end of my first week we were given a chance to sit with other people who do our job and see first hand what the day to day work is like. By the end of this experience I was so overwhelmed, I called my husband with serious doubts about my ability to do this job. Going into my second week I am still feeling overwhelmed with information but after some confidence building with my mom and husband I know I just need to give it time.
Now that I am a "working mom" I sit here and think about all that I had left unnoticed. I now have to actually make myself psychically presentable everyday. No more ten minute shower, throw the hair up and put on the first thing I find. I now need to do all of my house work when I would usually relax with my family and enjoy time together. As Evalyn goes through teething and her first cold I have to in a way let go of her because I'm not there with her 24/7 to monitor her.
The grass is always greener on the other side. As a stay at home mom I longed for a career so that I could feel useful and contribute to the home. As a working mom I now feel like I need to take each moment I can to be with my family. There are pros and cons to both sides.
I hope that with this new job I am making the right decision. I will probably question that choice constantly. I would probably question it even if I had chosen to stay home. Whether I am home with the girls or at a full time job working I will always long for the positive of the other life. With this new job I look forward not only to the financial freedom I will gain after my debt is paid but to making a difference in other peoples lives, whether it be my co-workers or customers. I hope that in leaving the comfort of my home I can bring good things to those around me.
With how my life has played out over the last three years all I can really say is that no matter what I do, I'm going to do it to my best ability. I'm going to find the happiness out of every situation. I'm going to work hard to make sure my family, most importantly my children are taken care of. And most of all I am never going to let my family go through anything like this past year again.
As I am in the midst of yet another major life change, I need to take a few moments to reflect on how I came to the decision to work full time. In April of 2010 I was fired from my full time job at a law firm. Loreli was four months old at the time and due to a last minute change in child care, I was unable to work my set schedule for a few weeks as we prepared for and looked into child care alternatives. I was in an incredibly negative work atmosphere and had experienced nothing but struggle from the moment I returned from maternity leave. Most of the conflict involved me pumping breast milk at work and my colleagues AND boss being uncomfortable and/or against it. Needless to say I didn't look at losing that job as a complete loss.
A few months later I found myself in a temporary part time job surrounded by people who were fun and enjoying life. For the most part I really enjoyed that job but it was a temp job which forever promised to become permanent and never did. Even though I was working and we weren't paying for child care at the time, I found myself for the first time in a position which I was unable to pay all of my bills. We made sure all of the household bills were paid and the "important" expenses we needed to be paid were but all of my personal credit card and medical debt went ignored and pushed to the side.
With the discovery of another baby on the way my personal debt became less and less important. There were collection calls and notices being made and even a few family members received embarrassing information but I put aside my pride in those few situations and tried to concentrate on what was really my main focus... my family.
Two months before Evalyn was born I was laid off from my part time temp job. I can't say it was a complete surprise but it was one of those things you have a big sign in front of you warning you about but you don't want to see it. When it actually happened reality set in and the "o shit" feeling came into focus.
Though the financial loss of my part time job hit us hard, we knew we were expecting our tax return in just a few short weeks so we held our breath so to say knowing we would be able to use that to pay a few months of bills. We also had yet to buy anything for the new baby. Everyone figured since we had just had a child we must have everything we needed and for the most part that would be a correct statement, but we didn't have a crib or a double stroller or a few other things I felt were really important for Evalyn's arrival. People can tell a pregnant mother until their blue in the face that everything will be "ok" and that you have the "essentials" but any woman has been pregnant and experienced "nesting" will vouch that the feeling of being unprepared weighs heavily.
Evalyn arrived and I quickly concentrated solely on my motherly duties. Struggling with breastfeeding and multi-tasking a toddler and baby were things I really needed to focus my attention on rather than what bill collector was calling for the millionth time. When Evalyn was two months old her demeanor and health took a turn and looking back at that time I can only describe it as a nightmare. No, my child has not ever suffered from a life threatening or debilitating disease or injury and yes, colic and acid reflux are extremely common, but I had had what seems like the most perfect and healthy child as my first born and to experience these things and not know what was going on with my child for so long was stressful to say the least.
I spent a few months concentrating solely on finding ways to make my baby comfortable and happy. I tried my best to find time to make sure my oldest was receiving the attention and education she needed at her age. During this time of concentrating so hard on my children I really started to lose myself.
During this time of Evalyn's arrival and the first few months of life we struggled incredibly financially. We found out that our tax return was not going to come before Evalyn was born as we had been banking on and there was a delay with everyone who had to pay back the "First Time Homebuyers Tax Credit." There were thousands of people affected by this minor glitch in the IRS computer system and man did we feel the burn. We borrowed money just to keep our electric on and heat in our home. We applied for HEAP which helped a great much and borrowed money for groceries, gas, car and insurance payments. Meanwhile most everyone around us was enjoying the luxuries of their recent purchases because unlike us, they weren't banking on that money just to get by.
The beginning of 2012 was an incredible rollar coaster both financially and emotionally. When we finally did receive our tax return we used what very little was left after paying bills and paying back money we borrowed to go out to the MidWest and visit my family. We probably should have used it for future bills or put in savings for another possible crisis but we really really needed that short little break from our day to day lives. The vacation not only allowed the girls to meet the majority of my side of the family but it also brought us the presence and influence of such positive people. It also brought us back to appreciating our little family and the love we have.
When we returned home I decided I needed to do something, anything even if it were one day a week for just a few hours that was separate from my family. I needed to find myself again and come back to enjoying my talents. I enrolled in a photography course and started my own business. This was a wonderful decision and I was so incredibly surprised with complete support from my parents and husband.
A few months into my photography business and I found that I really have a knack for the business, but I wasn't bringing in the type of income even worth claiming, much less that would pay any of my debt. Collectors were calling so often that I turned the house phone to silent so I just wouldn't have to deal with them day in and day out. It was towards the end of summer that I was "served" papers stating that one of the credit card companies was going to sue me. When I called I was informed they were in the process of taking action to put a lien on our home since we didn't have the income to pay back the debt and I didn't have a full time job which my wages could be garnished from. Here came the "o shit" feeling again.
After Evalyn was born the main reason I did not go back to work was because we had determined that I would need to start at a certain rate in order for it to be worth me working. With me working we would no longer qualify for HEAP or WIC, we would have to pay child care full time for two children and after all of that was said and done, I would need to make a profit and be able to pay my debt. There just weren't jobs around us offering the amount I needed so I stayed home. Shortly after I was "served" the papers, I started contacting lawyers regarding filing for bankruptcy.
I spoke with a few lawyers and found one I was really comfortable with. I sent them what seemed like a series of books with all of my debt information and we set up a payment plan. I struggled very much with this decision because I've never been one to give up on anything but the reality was that I had obviously given up a long time ago or things wouldn't have gotten to this. At this point I just wanted the debt gone, the collectors to stop harassing me and my family and to move on from the situation.
The next month we found out my husbands income was going to increase to the point that we no longer needed to worry how we were going to put gas in the car each week, we no longer had to scrape together just to buy a relative or friend a birthday present... we were finally going to be "comfortable" enough financially that we wouldn't be holding our breath starting the day after a pay check was received until the next one came.
I then found out that the place where my husband works was also hiring at a rate that would fit perfect into what we needed. My husband could now take care of all of the main expenses and with this new job, I could fully pay for full time child care and pay off my debt. But then the decision was... do I want to leave my children and go back to work? I now struggled daily with this decision and constantly went back and forth. I put in my application and went through the interview first just to see if the question was one to even ponder.
As I waited for a call I still went back and forth and eventually decided that I did not want to leave my girls, I wanted to be home with them. But this meant I most definitely had to file bankruptcy. My husbands increase in pay was enough to keep us comfortably stable day to day but not enough to pay back all of the debt that I had accrued. Filing bankruptcy meant that in a year or two when we go to put our house up for sale, the lenders would see not only all of my late credit reporting but also that I had just given up and surrendered. This would most definitely affect our chances at getting our dream home.
Finally when the call came offering me the full time position, I went with my gut and I took it. I decided in the long run not to take the easy way out and to pay back what had been given to me, if not for the credit building and the future home prospect then at least for the simple value of paying what was loaned to me.
When I accepted the position to go back to work full time, I was over my head with stress of being home day in and day out. I felt completely disconnected from the world and longed for day to day adult connection and interaction. I envied my husband for having a place to go 5 days a week where he could be without children screaming and hanging on him, without household chores and talk with other adults.
When I accepted the new job I not only was thinking of the financial benefits but I also was yearning for the feeling of being useful and using my brain again. I was yearning for a break from being mommy 24/7.
During my last week at home my husband was sent to Texas for work. I quickly realized how much he really helps out around the house and though I got small breaks from the kids with him home, I realized how much those breaks kept me going. By the time my first day of work came around I was all but jumping up and down and cheering to drop the girls off and go into my new workplace. The beginning of my first week was wonderful! I saw a ton of faces I hadn't seen since I had left three years prior and was seeing a lot of screens and information I had known for so long but hadn't given a thought to in forever. I felt confident, I felt renewed. I felt useful.
At the end of my first week we were given a chance to sit with other people who do our job and see first hand what the day to day work is like. By the end of this experience I was so overwhelmed, I called my husband with serious doubts about my ability to do this job. Going into my second week I am still feeling overwhelmed with information but after some confidence building with my mom and husband I know I just need to give it time.
Now that I am a "working mom" I sit here and think about all that I had left unnoticed. I now have to actually make myself psychically presentable everyday. No more ten minute shower, throw the hair up and put on the first thing I find. I now need to do all of my house work when I would usually relax with my family and enjoy time together. As Evalyn goes through teething and her first cold I have to in a way let go of her because I'm not there with her 24/7 to monitor her.
The grass is always greener on the other side. As a stay at home mom I longed for a career so that I could feel useful and contribute to the home. As a working mom I now feel like I need to take each moment I can to be with my family. There are pros and cons to both sides.
I hope that with this new job I am making the right decision. I will probably question that choice constantly. I would probably question it even if I had chosen to stay home. Whether I am home with the girls or at a full time job working I will always long for the positive of the other life. With this new job I look forward not only to the financial freedom I will gain after my debt is paid but to making a difference in other peoples lives, whether it be my co-workers or customers. I hope that in leaving the comfort of my home I can bring good things to those around me.
With how my life has played out over the last three years all I can really say is that no matter what I do, I'm going to do it to my best ability. I'm going to find the happiness out of every situation. I'm going to work hard to make sure my family, most importantly my children are taken care of. And most of all I am never going to let my family go through anything like this past year again.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Misc. Christmas/Birthday Wishlist :)
The last few years have been all about my girls (rightfully so) and we have spent every penny we possibly could on them! This year we finally will be able to give our girls a WONDERFUL Christmas and Birthday and ALSO give ourselves the same! Here's my wish list... not in any particular order... really intended for me and hubby but for anyone to enjoy :)
1) See Amazon "wish list"
2) Mary Kay NEW! Limited-Edition* Lashes Love It! Bundle
3) Mary Kay Mineral Eye Color Bundle Hypnotic Hazel
4) Mary Kay TimeWise® 3-In-1 Cleanser (normal to dry)
5) Mary Kay TimeWise Even Complexion Mask
6) Mary Kay Hydrating Freshener 1
7) Mary Kay Enriched Moisturizer 1
8) Mary Kay Satin Lips® Set (Mask and Balm)
9) Mary Kay Travel Roll-Up Bag (unfilled)
10) Mary Kay Mint Bliss™ Energizing Lotion for Feet & Legs
11) Mary Kay TimeWise Even Complexion Essence
12) Mary Kay Time Wise Night Solution
13) Arbonne SeaSource Detox Spa 7-Day Detox Renewal Program Set
14) Arbonne Daily Power Packs for Women
15) Arbonne FC5 Mattifying Powder
16) FC5 Mattifying Powder
17) Premier Designs Jewlery
18) Avenue clothing store gift card
19) Victoria's Secret store gift card
1) See Amazon "wish list"
2) Mary Kay NEW! Limited-Edition* Lashes Love It! Bundle
3) Mary Kay Mineral Eye Color Bundle Hypnotic Hazel
4) Mary Kay TimeWise® 3-In-1 Cleanser (normal to dry)
5) Mary Kay TimeWise Even Complexion Mask
6) Mary Kay Hydrating Freshener 1
7) Mary Kay Enriched Moisturizer 1
8) Mary Kay Satin Lips® Set (Mask and Balm)
9) Mary Kay Travel Roll-Up Bag (unfilled)
10) Mary Kay Mint Bliss™ Energizing Lotion for Feet & Legs
11) Mary Kay TimeWise Even Complexion Essence
12) Mary Kay Time Wise Night Solution
13) Arbonne SeaSource Detox Spa 7-Day Detox Renewal Program Set
14) Arbonne Daily Power Packs for Women
15) Arbonne FC5 Mattifying Powder
16) FC5 Mattifying Powder
17) Premier Designs Jewlery
18) Avenue clothing store gift card
19) Victoria's Secret store gift card
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Skyscraper
Last week I saw an interview on the E! channel with actress and singer Demi Lovato. I had never heard of her but was quickly captivated by her story. The former Disney starlit spoke of her battle with depression, bulimia and cutting. She was incredibly bold and descriptive about her experience of dealing with these issues in the spotlight.
Then I saw the new music video.
"Skyscraper." The song was recorded while Demi was actively destroying her body and her vocal cords were extremely weak. The song came out raspy and it was after her recovery in rehab that the song was re-recorded. With stronger vocal cords the song just didn't sound right. The original recording was kept for the single which was recently released. Demi explained in her interview that the original recording was like a cry for help.
I never personally experienced the illness of cutting but as many teenage girls do, I did dabble into eating disorders as a teen. Depression is a strong and manipulative evil. I believe I fell into the opposite of my teen eating disorder as I went into my adult years and began binge eating to cope with my emotions.
The lyrics to the song "Skyscraper" and the feeling in Demi's voice are two things I have not been able to let go of in the last week. I have played this song literally over and over. As a survivor of depression I feel an incredibly liberated when belting out these lyrics. I just wanted to share what they are. If you have been through tough times emotionally or physically, it seems this song can fit into so many different situations. I am very proud to say that today I am happy, satisfied and hungry for more out of life. I am thankful for the life I live and I cherish every single moment.
[Demi Lovato]
Skies are crying
I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence as it's ending, like we never had a chance
Do you have to, make me feel like there is nothing left of me?
[Chorus]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like i'm made of glass
Like i'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
[Demi Lovato]
As the smoke clears
I awaken, and untangle you from me
Would it make you, feel better to watch me while I bleed?
All my windows, still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet
[Chorus]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
[Bridge]
Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here
Watch you disappear, yeah
Go run, run, run
Yeah it's a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here
[Demi Lovato]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper, Oh
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
Then I saw the new music video.
"Skyscraper." The song was recorded while Demi was actively destroying her body and her vocal cords were extremely weak. The song came out raspy and it was after her recovery in rehab that the song was re-recorded. With stronger vocal cords the song just didn't sound right. The original recording was kept for the single which was recently released. Demi explained in her interview that the original recording was like a cry for help.
I never personally experienced the illness of cutting but as many teenage girls do, I did dabble into eating disorders as a teen. Depression is a strong and manipulative evil. I believe I fell into the opposite of my teen eating disorder as I went into my adult years and began binge eating to cope with my emotions.
The lyrics to the song "Skyscraper" and the feeling in Demi's voice are two things I have not been able to let go of in the last week. I have played this song literally over and over. As a survivor of depression I feel an incredibly liberated when belting out these lyrics. I just wanted to share what they are. If you have been through tough times emotionally or physically, it seems this song can fit into so many different situations. I am very proud to say that today I am happy, satisfied and hungry for more out of life. I am thankful for the life I live and I cherish every single moment.
[Demi Lovato]
Skies are crying
I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence as it's ending, like we never had a chance
Do you have to, make me feel like there is nothing left of me?
[Chorus]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like i'm made of glass
Like i'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
[Demi Lovato]
As the smoke clears
I awaken, and untangle you from me
Would it make you, feel better to watch me while I bleed?
All my windows, still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet
[Chorus]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
[Bridge]
Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here
Watch you disappear, yeah
Go run, run, run
Yeah it's a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here
[Demi Lovato]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper, Oh
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!
Monday, June 13, 2011
The Baby Blues
As the due date for my second daughter approached, I was anxious, excited, ready to not be pregnant and more than ready to meet my beautiful little girl. Evalyn's birth was surreal. The entire labor and delivery felt like it was a dream, as if it were happening to somebody else. Alas my sweet little angel had arrived.
The first few days in the hospital were wonderful. By the end of our stay I was very much wanting to get back home to my first born and settle into life as a family of four. Evalyn lost 8 ounces of weight in her first two days. This is when things began to slip away. Upon arriving home, my newborn baby was too weak to breastfeed. I communicated with a consultant and had a ton of help from my mother, but in the end my baby did not have the strength to latch on.
For two weeks I pumped breastmilk for my little angel. I battled my sorrow over not being able to breastfeed and came to the realization that if Evalyn were my one and only child, there is no doubt I would work harder to the commitment of breastfeeding. Having two children to care for on my own (my husband returned to work one week after Evalyn's birth), I could not commit myself fully. This was the beginning of my "baby blues."
Having two children to care for on my own was an incredible adjustment. To top things off our financial situation took a hit when our tax return was delayed without even an estimation of a deposit date, all due to having to pay back the First Time Homebuyers Tax Credit. For the entirety of my pregnancy we were banking on receiving our return before Evalyn's arrival, knowing that would cover any bills I would be responsible for during maternity leave. I also had been laid off from my job two months before, so we desperately needed the money.
My husband and I both went through an incredibly hard time. We tried our best to smile in front of our toddler and newborn so as not to affect them or introduce negativity into their worlds. There were moments of weakness and tears but we managed to make the best of what we had at the time and keep the basics of what we all needed stocked. Seeing people around us buying big toys and spending frivolously in front of us added the occasional sting. We didn't want anyone to hold back their own happiness because of our situation so we did our best to keep our feelings to ourselves.
With everything that happened in such a small time span, I felt my emotions sinking deep and hard into negativity. I felt unconnected to my newborn and found myself thinking and feeling things I never could have imagined a mother to feel. At times I wished Evalyn had never existed. I wanted my happy family of three back. I wanted our lives to go back to the way things were. Other times I wanted to leave my whole family all together and just give up on the incredible responsibility of wife and mother. Sometimes I wanted to die.
I was in an extreme dark place. I went to the doctor for my six week check up and admitted my feelings. I was put on an extremely high dose of Zoloft. I took the pill for three days and was flying high as a kite the entire time. Sure I felt better emotionally because I wasn't feeling anything at all! I literally went to my brother-in-laws house, sat and spent time with everyone, left, came home and went to bed only to wake up the next day and not remember even a moment of the day before. That was the end of that. No way could I take care of two children by myself while on that medication. It was suggested I ask for a lower dose and work myself up. I decided just to stay away from it all together.
I can't pinpoint the exact moment it happened but one day I suddenly was overwhelmed with love for Evalyn. I don't think I'll ever feel the connection I did with my first born with Evalyn or any children who may come after, but I realized that I can love Evalyn in different ways. This feeling couldn't have come at a better time because when this happened, Evalyn began to spit up incredible amounts and was fussy 24/7.
After a few weeks of trying to figure out what was going on with our sweet little baby, we finally came to the conclusion that she has colic. Both my husband and I were at our wits end between her screaming and spitting up and then the negative effects this had on our toddler. A ton of bricks was lifted off our household when we found the solution to helping Evalyn. She still to this day has quite a few fussy days, but nothing like what we went through at first.
After caring for my colicky baby my patience and love were both tested to the extreme. I again felt like the mother I knew I always was. I again knew that motherhood was my calling. With exercise, eating healthier and a lot of love from my husband and mom, I was able to overcome all of my dark feelings.
When the darkness faded and I stepped back into the light, spring was nearly over and summer almost in full bloom. My toddler was learning more and more about the world around her each day and I couldn't stop photographing her. And then it hit me... I've loved photography my whole life, why not pursue it as a career?
With complete support from my parents and husband I enrolled in the New York Institute of Photography. I have slowly been building my equipment and prop collection. I am working hard on learning the world of professional photography.
As I now have something to call my "niche," I use it as an avenue to direct my attention to anytime depression creeps near. I've found that I can battle the darkness of the "baby blues" without medication. Love from my two girls, husband and parents... support from my family and friends... and something to keep my focus and attention on... that is all it took.
The first few days in the hospital were wonderful. By the end of our stay I was very much wanting to get back home to my first born and settle into life as a family of four. Evalyn lost 8 ounces of weight in her first two days. This is when things began to slip away. Upon arriving home, my newborn baby was too weak to breastfeed. I communicated with a consultant and had a ton of help from my mother, but in the end my baby did not have the strength to latch on.
For two weeks I pumped breastmilk for my little angel. I battled my sorrow over not being able to breastfeed and came to the realization that if Evalyn were my one and only child, there is no doubt I would work harder to the commitment of breastfeeding. Having two children to care for on my own (my husband returned to work one week after Evalyn's birth), I could not commit myself fully. This was the beginning of my "baby blues."
Having two children to care for on my own was an incredible adjustment. To top things off our financial situation took a hit when our tax return was delayed without even an estimation of a deposit date, all due to having to pay back the First Time Homebuyers Tax Credit. For the entirety of my pregnancy we were banking on receiving our return before Evalyn's arrival, knowing that would cover any bills I would be responsible for during maternity leave. I also had been laid off from my job two months before, so we desperately needed the money.
My husband and I both went through an incredibly hard time. We tried our best to smile in front of our toddler and newborn so as not to affect them or introduce negativity into their worlds. There were moments of weakness and tears but we managed to make the best of what we had at the time and keep the basics of what we all needed stocked. Seeing people around us buying big toys and spending frivolously in front of us added the occasional sting. We didn't want anyone to hold back their own happiness because of our situation so we did our best to keep our feelings to ourselves.
With everything that happened in such a small time span, I felt my emotions sinking deep and hard into negativity. I felt unconnected to my newborn and found myself thinking and feeling things I never could have imagined a mother to feel. At times I wished Evalyn had never existed. I wanted my happy family of three back. I wanted our lives to go back to the way things were. Other times I wanted to leave my whole family all together and just give up on the incredible responsibility of wife and mother. Sometimes I wanted to die.
I was in an extreme dark place. I went to the doctor for my six week check up and admitted my feelings. I was put on an extremely high dose of Zoloft. I took the pill for three days and was flying high as a kite the entire time. Sure I felt better emotionally because I wasn't feeling anything at all! I literally went to my brother-in-laws house, sat and spent time with everyone, left, came home and went to bed only to wake up the next day and not remember even a moment of the day before. That was the end of that. No way could I take care of two children by myself while on that medication. It was suggested I ask for a lower dose and work myself up. I decided just to stay away from it all together.
I can't pinpoint the exact moment it happened but one day I suddenly was overwhelmed with love for Evalyn. I don't think I'll ever feel the connection I did with my first born with Evalyn or any children who may come after, but I realized that I can love Evalyn in different ways. This feeling couldn't have come at a better time because when this happened, Evalyn began to spit up incredible amounts and was fussy 24/7.
After a few weeks of trying to figure out what was going on with our sweet little baby, we finally came to the conclusion that she has colic. Both my husband and I were at our wits end between her screaming and spitting up and then the negative effects this had on our toddler. A ton of bricks was lifted off our household when we found the solution to helping Evalyn. She still to this day has quite a few fussy days, but nothing like what we went through at first.
After caring for my colicky baby my patience and love were both tested to the extreme. I again felt like the mother I knew I always was. I again knew that motherhood was my calling. With exercise, eating healthier and a lot of love from my husband and mom, I was able to overcome all of my dark feelings.
When the darkness faded and I stepped back into the light, spring was nearly over and summer almost in full bloom. My toddler was learning more and more about the world around her each day and I couldn't stop photographing her. And then it hit me... I've loved photography my whole life, why not pursue it as a career?
With complete support from my parents and husband I enrolled in the New York Institute of Photography. I have slowly been building my equipment and prop collection. I am working hard on learning the world of professional photography.
As I now have something to call my "niche," I use it as an avenue to direct my attention to anytime depression creeps near. I've found that I can battle the darkness of the "baby blues" without medication. Love from my two girls, husband and parents... support from my family and friends... and something to keep my focus and attention on... that is all it took.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Love for my girls
The love between a parent and child is perhaps the greatest love there is. It is an unconditional love with so many different levels. Being a stay at home mother and having the luxury of being with my children all of the time can sometimes cause me to forget just how lucky I am to have them. Fortunate for me at least once a day one of my girls does something to give me a reminder of just how wonderful they make my life.
Both of my daughters are too young to say "I love you," still, but I find it so amazing that they find so many different ways to tell me. At times Evalyn will be in her swing or on the floor wiggling around and when she hears my voice or catches a glimpse of me I notice a small smile or grin. When she is fussy (not hungry) and wants to be held, as soon as I pick her up she calms right down. This shows me her love because with me she feels safe and knows that she too is loved.
With Loreli things are a bit different. She can express emotions and has her own way of talking, but has yet to get into deep conversations. Loreli expresses her love in so many different ways, whether she gives you her wide smile, showing all of her teeth and moving her cheeks so much her eyes close, or signing "I love you." Some nights Loreli will have "binge kiss" time, when she wants nothing to do but to kiss her father and I.
There are so many different ways my girls express themselves and fill my heart with joy. Love is the biggest and most incredible of them all.
Both of my daughters are too young to say "I love you," still, but I find it so amazing that they find so many different ways to tell me. At times Evalyn will be in her swing or on the floor wiggling around and when she hears my voice or catches a glimpse of me I notice a small smile or grin. When she is fussy (not hungry) and wants to be held, as soon as I pick her up she calms right down. This shows me her love because with me she feels safe and knows that she too is loved.
With Loreli things are a bit different. She can express emotions and has her own way of talking, but has yet to get into deep conversations. Loreli expresses her love in so many different ways, whether she gives you her wide smile, showing all of her teeth and moving her cheeks so much her eyes close, or signing "I love you." Some nights Loreli will have "binge kiss" time, when she wants nothing to do but to kiss her father and I.
There are so many different ways my girls express themselves and fill my heart with joy. Love is the biggest and most incredible of them all.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
True Love
You never really understand love until you have a child. Becoming a parent will test every relationship you have in life. Love between partners can either become stronger or dwindle and disappear. If the love is strong enough to make it through numerous nights of not sleeping, hormones raging and babies crying then you know it's a forever kind of love.
In the last few months my husband and I have been through quite a bit and I am extremely proud to say that today we are stronger as a couple and in our love. We have handled me being laid off from my second job in a year, giving birth to our second child in 14 months, being delayed in receiving our much anticipated and needed tax return, me going through postpartum depression, and a number of smaller events in such a short amount of time. The events we have faced in the last few months would be enough to break a person or a relationship, but we have come out stronger than ever.
I believe strongly that the presence of our children and love that we share for them are what keep our love for each other so strong. We take on each day together as a team whether the day is filled with endless screaming and tears or countless giggles and smiles. Knowing that we created these two wonderful human beings together and we spend each day working to give them the best life possible, and we do that as a team bonds us more and more each day.
When my husband and I first started dating we fell in love very quickly. We moved so fast through the life steps in our relationship (e.g. house, engagement, marriage, kids) that we didn't allow very much time to test our love and our commitment. When we first fell in love I would look at James and see the man of my dreams. Now when I look at James I see the father of my children, the provider of our family, my partner in parenting and in life.
James is no longer the man of my dreams but now my daily reality, the man of my life. Now when I look at him, I see the man who was with me every single step of the way through two pregnancies, who shared in my ups and downs. I see the man who delivered our child, who has never said no when I asked for help with late night feedings or overloaded stinky diapers. I see the man who has been my rock through times of financial difficulty, who has cried with me when it was necessary and dried my tears and picked me up when needed. When I look at the man I have devoted my life to I am proud to call him my husband.
I never really knew what love was until I had children. Having my two daughters has not only shown me true love towards my husband, it has also taught me the undying love a parent has for their child. With my oldest who is almost 16 months old, I am amazed daily by her ability to learn so fast. Every single day Loreli brightens my life whether she does it by saying a new word or spontaneously coming up with a new dance move, there is not one day that goes by that I am not fascinated by her complete love of life. Looking at Evalyn who is just shy of 2 months old fills my heart with complete happiness and love. Knowing what lays ahead for my girls, knowing that I brought these two amazing humans into the world and what they will experience... it completes me in every way.
After having Evalyn and experiencing some unexpected alterations in our plans and life, I began to notice that I was showing signs of postpartum depression. I was thinking things and feelings things I never thought or understood a mother and a wife could go through. It was an incredible struggle the first few weeks. My doctor put me on a very high dose of antidepressants, which made me like a zombie. I actually blacked out and could not remember events and things I'd said and done. Three days of that and I was done with the antidepressants. I realize that depression can be just as much chemical as it is physical, but I believe that every day I overcome the negative thinking and feeling through either exercise or being with my family. On my darkest and hardest days my husband and daughters have picked me up just with their smiles.
In the last few months my husband and I have been through quite a bit and I am extremely proud to say that today we are stronger as a couple and in our love. We have handled me being laid off from my second job in a year, giving birth to our second child in 14 months, being delayed in receiving our much anticipated and needed tax return, me going through postpartum depression, and a number of smaller events in such a short amount of time. The events we have faced in the last few months would be enough to break a person or a relationship, but we have come out stronger than ever.
I believe strongly that the presence of our children and love that we share for them are what keep our love for each other so strong. We take on each day together as a team whether the day is filled with endless screaming and tears or countless giggles and smiles. Knowing that we created these two wonderful human beings together and we spend each day working to give them the best life possible, and we do that as a team bonds us more and more each day.
When my husband and I first started dating we fell in love very quickly. We moved so fast through the life steps in our relationship (e.g. house, engagement, marriage, kids) that we didn't allow very much time to test our love and our commitment. When we first fell in love I would look at James and see the man of my dreams. Now when I look at James I see the father of my children, the provider of our family, my partner in parenting and in life.
James is no longer the man of my dreams but now my daily reality, the man of my life. Now when I look at him, I see the man who was with me every single step of the way through two pregnancies, who shared in my ups and downs. I see the man who delivered our child, who has never said no when I asked for help with late night feedings or overloaded stinky diapers. I see the man who has been my rock through times of financial difficulty, who has cried with me when it was necessary and dried my tears and picked me up when needed. When I look at the man I have devoted my life to I am proud to call him my husband.
I never really knew what love was until I had children. Having my two daughters has not only shown me true love towards my husband, it has also taught me the undying love a parent has for their child. With my oldest who is almost 16 months old, I am amazed daily by her ability to learn so fast. Every single day Loreli brightens my life whether she does it by saying a new word or spontaneously coming up with a new dance move, there is not one day that goes by that I am not fascinated by her complete love of life. Looking at Evalyn who is just shy of 2 months old fills my heart with complete happiness and love. Knowing what lays ahead for my girls, knowing that I brought these two amazing humans into the world and what they will experience... it completes me in every way.
After having Evalyn and experiencing some unexpected alterations in our plans and life, I began to notice that I was showing signs of postpartum depression. I was thinking things and feelings things I never thought or understood a mother and a wife could go through. It was an incredible struggle the first few weeks. My doctor put me on a very high dose of antidepressants, which made me like a zombie. I actually blacked out and could not remember events and things I'd said and done. Three days of that and I was done with the antidepressants. I realize that depression can be just as much chemical as it is physical, but I believe that every day I overcome the negative thinking and feeling through either exercise or being with my family. On my darkest and hardest days my husband and daughters have picked me up just with their smiles.
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